So Much Drama
I haven't updated in a while. There has been so much to write about that I haven't found time to write about it.
Bill and Annie were hooking up. I knew it, I just didn't want to know it. I finally confronted him about it a week ago, and he came clean with me, saying it had been tearing him apart for weeks, but that he didn't know how to tell me, that he was ashamed. They never had sex or anything, but it still happened. Totally sucks. But as we all know, I am not the kind of person who cuts people out of my life unless my hand is forced. Bill was so distraught. I shouldn't be happy about that, but it made me feel better. I knew he was sincere in caring about hurting me. He told me that he loved me, he hadn't said that before, but that it just wouldn't work with us, he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and the spark wasn't there. It was hard to hear, but I appreciated it. We've been hanging out a lot since then, things are okay. I'm so happy being his friend. Last night I went out with him and his roomates. I was officialy dubbed "one of the guys". I love that, I mean I loved being his girl while it lasted, but I also love being one of their best friends, the girl who wrestles with them, and watches porn and gets into conversations about boobs. LOL, I know it sounds weird, but I feel a sense of belonging, like I'm cared for in a way that I think is deeper than being one of the girls they talk about if that makes any sense. We all went swimming also last night at around 1am, not the best idea since I'm getting sick, but it was amazing. Felt so good. I don't know what was going through his head last night though. He pulled me aside, I barely remember this because I was drunk. He said something about, we're just friends, right, nothing's going to happen. I think I said yes, although I hope I said if thats what you want (because he is still hot). He told me he loved me and that we had fun while it lasted. I don't know what that means. But I'm just so happy with him, in any sense. And for those friends of mine who I know are shaking their head at this, he didn't really do anything that wrong. We had an agreement that we were not together from the beginning. If it had been any other girl this would not have been an issue. His only mistake was in choice of girls.
Annie is another story. She lied to my face. I confronted her earlier that day, and she told me nothing had ever happened with them. She knew how much I liked him and she let it happen anyway. And then she lied to me. She was in my lap crying several times over this. I feel bad for her, but this is a pattern. I am not the only friend she has done this to, and this is not the first time she's lied to me. She lies because she's ashamed, she makes excuses, makes it okay in her head, whether its drugs, sex or rock and roll. She can't say no. She gets drunk, intoxicated, and then admittedly becomes the most selfish person on the face of the planet. When she is in that state, she just doesn't care. And then she wakes up the next morning and feels like shit, and then the cycle of lying begins. And yet, she refuses to ask for or accept help. It will never stop. Something life shattering will have to happen before she stops, and I shudder to think of what that event will be. She's already exhausted the mild scares. I love the girl to death. She's my best friend. I will never turn my back on her. But trust is blown. And I really am at a lose as to what I can do for her at this point.
And the drama doesn't stop there. I was pissed off about Bill and Annie that night. And I wound up comforting them, there was nothing for me in those arms. So I sought it elsewhere. I slept with my best friend. I messed up. Now he is avoiding me. We used to be together constantly. Now I haven't seen him in two days, and I can barely get him to answer my phone calls. I knew sleeping with him was the stupidest thing, he had hit on me before and I stopped it because I couldn't stand to risk our friendship for something so trivial. And yet the moment I was vulnerable, I let it happen. And now nothing will ever be the same again.
And yet, with all of this falling down around my head, I find myself okay. Not happy. But not destroyed. Everything happens for a reason. There must be something to learn, some deeper reason for it all. I guess all I can say is, grant me wisdom.
Bill and Annie were hooking up. I knew it, I just didn't want to know it. I finally confronted him about it a week ago, and he came clean with me, saying it had been tearing him apart for weeks, but that he didn't know how to tell me, that he was ashamed. They never had sex or anything, but it still happened. Totally sucks. But as we all know, I am not the kind of person who cuts people out of my life unless my hand is forced. Bill was so distraught. I shouldn't be happy about that, but it made me feel better. I knew he was sincere in caring about hurting me. He told me that he loved me, he hadn't said that before, but that it just wouldn't work with us, he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and the spark wasn't there. It was hard to hear, but I appreciated it. We've been hanging out a lot since then, things are okay. I'm so happy being his friend. Last night I went out with him and his roomates. I was officialy dubbed "one of the guys". I love that, I mean I loved being his girl while it lasted, but I also love being one of their best friends, the girl who wrestles with them, and watches porn and gets into conversations about boobs. LOL, I know it sounds weird, but I feel a sense of belonging, like I'm cared for in a way that I think is deeper than being one of the girls they talk about if that makes any sense. We all went swimming also last night at around 1am, not the best idea since I'm getting sick, but it was amazing. Felt so good. I don't know what was going through his head last night though. He pulled me aside, I barely remember this because I was drunk. He said something about, we're just friends, right, nothing's going to happen. I think I said yes, although I hope I said if thats what you want (because he is still hot). He told me he loved me and that we had fun while it lasted. I don't know what that means. But I'm just so happy with him, in any sense. And for those friends of mine who I know are shaking their head at this, he didn't really do anything that wrong. We had an agreement that we were not together from the beginning. If it had been any other girl this would not have been an issue. His only mistake was in choice of girls.
Annie is another story. She lied to my face. I confronted her earlier that day, and she told me nothing had ever happened with them. She knew how much I liked him and she let it happen anyway. And then she lied to me. She was in my lap crying several times over this. I feel bad for her, but this is a pattern. I am not the only friend she has done this to, and this is not the first time she's lied to me. She lies because she's ashamed, she makes excuses, makes it okay in her head, whether its drugs, sex or rock and roll. She can't say no. She gets drunk, intoxicated, and then admittedly becomes the most selfish person on the face of the planet. When she is in that state, she just doesn't care. And then she wakes up the next morning and feels like shit, and then the cycle of lying begins. And yet, she refuses to ask for or accept help. It will never stop. Something life shattering will have to happen before she stops, and I shudder to think of what that event will be. She's already exhausted the mild scares. I love the girl to death. She's my best friend. I will never turn my back on her. But trust is blown. And I really am at a lose as to what I can do for her at this point.
And the drama doesn't stop there. I was pissed off about Bill and Annie that night. And I wound up comforting them, there was nothing for me in those arms. So I sought it elsewhere. I slept with my best friend. I messed up. Now he is avoiding me. We used to be together constantly. Now I haven't seen him in two days, and I can barely get him to answer my phone calls. I knew sleeping with him was the stupidest thing, he had hit on me before and I stopped it because I couldn't stand to risk our friendship for something so trivial. And yet the moment I was vulnerable, I let it happen. And now nothing will ever be the same again.
And yet, with all of this falling down around my head, I find myself okay. Not happy. But not destroyed. Everything happens for a reason. There must be something to learn, some deeper reason for it all. I guess all I can say is, grant me wisdom.