Culmination of thoughts since the last, and looking ahead... (neutrality 3)
I usually tend not to do this, but I feel it's necessary in order to get a handle on things to start, especially because of my last posting left things...kind of open. Realize too that I was delving into issues I was aiming to tackle and/or question in an upcoming session. Rather, let me pick out one quote in particular:
"Funny how I can rationalize this thought towards others, yet reverse it for myself, but this IS what I'm ultimately searching an answer for here."
This has been a long standing issue for me, and one which I've been struggling with for years. The thought process behind it has been if I can't help myself, how can I help others, and/or if the advice I give others works for them, why not me.
Looking back on it now, it seems so obvious, and perhaps it was all along, though maybe I was just too stubborn to admit it, or maybe it just needed to sink it.
It work for other people, because they, are, not, you!
How CAN the same advice work for me when other people are so different then me. That is not to say I am placing myself on some pedestal of difference from everyone else, just stating that we are all standing on pedestals. The fact we're standing on them is what makes us equals, the fact we're all separated is what matters. Life has many ways of trying to tip us off our pedestal, and my advice is nothing more then a perspective for someone, if they're willing to listen, to see if they can take from it what they will to get some better footing. That is all my advice is, and if it helps someone cool, if not, cool.
I'm doing the same as them, taking perspectives into consideration and allowing myself to change. For the first time in a long time, I feel at ease somehow, although it's difficult to say how. Not so much neutral anymore, but...calm. I still have my moments of emotional turmoil, but they're not anything dramatic that throws me back into a seemingly endless spiral anymore. I'll touch more on this later...
Rereading my last post got me to thinking about older posts, which I sometimes go back and read, just to get a glimpse of the road I have been traveling, and what hurdles I've had to overcome. Today actually, I looked back upon ones from when I was, 23 or so. I really think it was the beginning of the downward road I needed, yes needed, to take in life to get things straight. I wasn't still so much angst filled as I was when I was 19 or so, really at that point those posts were an outlet, a bandage if you will that helped me cope rather than grow. I was becoming more introspective, and from that I was finding the problems with life and all it held, which sounds bad when stated as such, but it was when I think I truly began to open my eyes and face what I feared most in life.
Myself.
Yes, myself. I was questioning my entire belief system, which as I have learned is a fucking scary thing to do, especially when you're alone in the process. I'm grateful I crashed so I could get counseling, cause this was a journey I for a good period of time there couldn't have taken alone.
In reading some older post (from 2008) a line struck me that I found interesting, and relating to this post.
"why do I feel need to explain (my thoughts)
letting others know the real me."
tag that along with:
"because it seems when I think I've done something good, and (unfortunately and misguidedly) seek the approval of others, I NEVER EVER get the approval I think is deserved."
Another hurdle I've overcome. In some way, I still care what others think, but only insofar as it pertains to a given situation, but for the most part anymore, fuck your opinion of me. The only opinion of myself that matters, TRULY matters, is what I think of myself. Yours is helpful, and appreciated, but if you hate me, it's not going to pull me down anymore. Been there, did it way to much, not doing it again.
I was rereading an entry about relationships, and it got me thinking of my current mindset, and reflecting back upon it. It started with a long posting to an old friend about my relationship with Loren. I've written extensively about that whole ordeal, and have come to a simple conclusion. In many ways, she should thanks me. She's married now, and had it not been for me breaking it off with her, she wouldn't have found the happiness she now has. I wasn't right for her, and I'm better off, and over it. Alas, this got me to thinking about Lindsay, my most recent ex. I've written, I think so anyway, about her and I. We ended, not badly at all actually, just ended. Ultimately, she's now happy with someone else, and in some respects, I'm lonely but that's ok, its nothing I hold against her. I catch Facebook comments about her happiness every now and then and get a bit flustered, to which thoughts creep up of "awe I fucked up that relationship," but I realize this isn't the case. If I fucked up in any way, its not being the right person for her, and really, its the one fuck up anyone can hope for. We just weren't the person the other needed, and that's ok. This is what I'm ok with. I hold no ill will, nor any animosity towards her or her boyfriend. I have no reason or standpoint to do so. She's happy, and I'm happy she is, not even at the expense of my happiness, because every relationship someone has is about discovering what they want out of another and even themselves. I learned a lot from her, and I hope she did as well.
All in all, things are going well, and I'm learning to just take things as they come, and not think so much. I'm learning to relish in the things which make me, me and not question them to the point of frustration. I've still got things to learn, and I'll have my up and down days, but for the most part, things feel back on the level, a feeling which has been a long time coming, and I'm thankful I've gotten to this point in my life.
"Funny how I can rationalize this thought towards others, yet reverse it for myself, but this IS what I'm ultimately searching an answer for here."
This has been a long standing issue for me, and one which I've been struggling with for years. The thought process behind it has been if I can't help myself, how can I help others, and/or if the advice I give others works for them, why not me.
Looking back on it now, it seems so obvious, and perhaps it was all along, though maybe I was just too stubborn to admit it, or maybe it just needed to sink it.
It work for other people, because they, are, not, you!
How CAN the same advice work for me when other people are so different then me. That is not to say I am placing myself on some pedestal of difference from everyone else, just stating that we are all standing on pedestals. The fact we're standing on them is what makes us equals, the fact we're all separated is what matters. Life has many ways of trying to tip us off our pedestal, and my advice is nothing more then a perspective for someone, if they're willing to listen, to see if they can take from it what they will to get some better footing. That is all my advice is, and if it helps someone cool, if not, cool.
I'm doing the same as them, taking perspectives into consideration and allowing myself to change. For the first time in a long time, I feel at ease somehow, although it's difficult to say how. Not so much neutral anymore, but...calm. I still have my moments of emotional turmoil, but they're not anything dramatic that throws me back into a seemingly endless spiral anymore. I'll touch more on this later...
Rereading my last post got me to thinking about older posts, which I sometimes go back and read, just to get a glimpse of the road I have been traveling, and what hurdles I've had to overcome. Today actually, I looked back upon ones from when I was, 23 or so. I really think it was the beginning of the downward road I needed, yes needed, to take in life to get things straight. I wasn't still so much angst filled as I was when I was 19 or so, really at that point those posts were an outlet, a bandage if you will that helped me cope rather than grow. I was becoming more introspective, and from that I was finding the problems with life and all it held, which sounds bad when stated as such, but it was when I think I truly began to open my eyes and face what I feared most in life.
Myself.
Yes, myself. I was questioning my entire belief system, which as I have learned is a fucking scary thing to do, especially when you're alone in the process. I'm grateful I crashed so I could get counseling, cause this was a journey I for a good period of time there couldn't have taken alone.
In reading some older post (from 2008) a line struck me that I found interesting, and relating to this post.
"why do I feel need to explain (my thoughts)
letting others know the real me."
tag that along with:
"because it seems when I think I've done something good, and (unfortunately and misguidedly) seek the approval of others, I NEVER EVER get the approval I think is deserved."
Another hurdle I've overcome. In some way, I still care what others think, but only insofar as it pertains to a given situation, but for the most part anymore, fuck your opinion of me. The only opinion of myself that matters, TRULY matters, is what I think of myself. Yours is helpful, and appreciated, but if you hate me, it's not going to pull me down anymore. Been there, did it way to much, not doing it again.
I was rereading an entry about relationships, and it got me thinking of my current mindset, and reflecting back upon it. It started with a long posting to an old friend about my relationship with Loren. I've written extensively about that whole ordeal, and have come to a simple conclusion. In many ways, she should thanks me. She's married now, and had it not been for me breaking it off with her, she wouldn't have found the happiness she now has. I wasn't right for her, and I'm better off, and over it. Alas, this got me to thinking about Lindsay, my most recent ex. I've written, I think so anyway, about her and I. We ended, not badly at all actually, just ended. Ultimately, she's now happy with someone else, and in some respects, I'm lonely but that's ok, its nothing I hold against her. I catch Facebook comments about her happiness every now and then and get a bit flustered, to which thoughts creep up of "awe I fucked up that relationship," but I realize this isn't the case. If I fucked up in any way, its not being the right person for her, and really, its the one fuck up anyone can hope for. We just weren't the person the other needed, and that's ok. This is what I'm ok with. I hold no ill will, nor any animosity towards her or her boyfriend. I have no reason or standpoint to do so. She's happy, and I'm happy she is, not even at the expense of my happiness, because every relationship someone has is about discovering what they want out of another and even themselves. I learned a lot from her, and I hope she did as well.
All in all, things are going well, and I'm learning to just take things as they come, and not think so much. I'm learning to relish in the things which make me, me and not question them to the point of frustration. I've still got things to learn, and I'll have my up and down days, but for the most part, things feel back on the level, a feeling which has been a long time coming, and I'm thankful I've gotten to this point in my life.