Been a long time coming (neutrality pt 2)
I'm making an attempt to do this LONG post, partially cause I have wanted to do this for some time, but I must admit with feeling tired, mainly due to procrastination and/or playing Skyrim to escape, or rather its that good...
I know this post is going to be filled with unclear ideas and odd methods of thought, but it's meant more as a personal entry, here for public viewing pleasure. That being said, if you wish to continue, journey forth, for the spiral is being looked at here. Not entirely sure how to begin this, I suppose just free forming it is probably the best course of action, though there are specifics I wish to cover.
I suppose a lot of this started with the idea, I may even go so far as to suggest a belief now, from my counselor of me being a professional victim. Firstly, let me say don't read too much into my counselor situation or him declaring this, that's not what this is about. This is about me, focus on that.
Professional victim... an interesting notion, though I must admit I'm still not 100% sure what all this entails. It is something that's been on my mind for quite some time now, and I felt it worth delving into. I suppose in some cases I can look at it in the light of not so much always declaring myself a victim to get attention, as it would naturally suggest, but I feel for me it's more in regards to always fulfilling the victim role via low self esteem/self worth/low self affirmation/whatever you wish to declare it as.
Now, how do I fulfill this role? Ignoring previous rant based "my life sucks" rants, for that much is obvious but we're looking at the present here, I would say it's more of a settling route. Perhaps my victim-ness if you will is the not knowing where to go in life situation. Life has dealt me a hand I feel the need to bluff with I suppose, or rather that's what it feels. Although that metaphor seems inaccurate.
Let me sidetrack a bit, partially so I can actually get things a bit more focused. There are some things I've discovered in recent years through philosophy, although armed with such knowledge of these concepts and actually delving into myself through counseling, I have cemented some things, well into beliefs or I'd even go so far as to say I've blown apart some of those cemented beliefs with dynamite, and now I'm searching to rebuild, or even see what lies further in.
To rebuild anew, pick up the pieces, or see what can be salvaged. I suppose that's my purpose of this post, or at least go get some headway.
An interesting notion has stuck with me, or rather has played with my thoughts for some time now. Last, fall I believe I was in my metaphysics class, and we were discussing the self, and/or rationality. My professor brought up an intriguing point. Recall an instance when you first had a rational thought.
What sprang to light was when I was young, not sure the age, but I was in a crib I know that much. I was at my grandmother's and it was nighttime, or daytime, I'm not sure, but I remember it being semi dark. Or was it really even dark, its as thought I'm mixing two memories here. But I digress... what is important here is the following.
I remember tearing the cover off a book, not sure why, but I remember my mother coming in scolding me for the action and I was left bewildered. I KNOW I had no idea directly of rationally declaring the thought, but I know it know. This action was wrong, namely I was wrong. I was bad, flawed, wrong. Other memories that are triggered from this seem to act in similar fashion, with me performing deeds not necessarily "worthy" of society's "rightness." I know presently that I was unable to rationally declare my thoughts, and even control my behavior during these times, but what strikes me is the main point of the crib incident. How an idea so powerful, so young, can carry forth built upon circumstances and allow itself to be cemented into a belief. For a long time I focused anger towards my brother. Why? Following this method of thought I carried this notion of me being wrong or bad in comparison to my brother.
I should note I now know how foolish this was and was not able to see all the angles, but what can I say, I'm playing with a notion here, so try to follow.
My brother was the smart one, I was the hellion filled with boundless energy which parents, even mine, wished would calm down and "behave." I witnessed my brother over the years gain attention through being smart and likable. An intriguing child. You can see my point here of how this belief in my being unworthy can be cemented as such, even if I wasn't able to rationalize it at this point.
I recall further a memory of preschool, and constantly crying for my mother after being dropped off. Even further to elementary school, in my first grade teacher constantly hating me. I was playing the victim card to get attention. If I believed I was wrong or bad, surely attention from the one I saw loving me the most (she was there more anyway), this feeling would subside. In a twisted way, as though despite my flaws of being bad or wrong, she would continue to keep loving me, and this was enough to push me through life, ignoring all other's in life I was in turn blinded by this belief. Then we moved.
I remember moving quite well. We lived in a cul-de-sac so neighbors were the easy source of friends, acquaintances, or even just people you knew of. I remember one thing clearly though. There was one kid, at the end of the road, across the the cul-de-sac I believe, whom I barely knew. He was sad to see me go, and wanted to give me something to remember him by. I still don't remember who the hell it is by the way. What struck me and has stuck with me is the notion of meeting someone new. This was what life was suddenly going to be. NEW. Friends, acquaintances or whatever were gone. Even in school, though there were new people, I could return to what I was accustomed. Not anymore.
What's interesting to note here is I can see the shift in self worth from being wrong in accordance to my brother, to myself. Suddenly we were in the same boat, our family was all going to a NEW life. My brother and I were on some reasonable same plane of existence now, and though I felt bitter and such towards him over the years, I can see this as the possible cause to my almost idolization over him through the years that followed, and even the eventual friendship we have now. Long story short, this is perhaps the rationality that has led me to accepting that we are all just people, no one is wrong for being "X" or "Y."
Funny how I can rationalize this thought towards others, yet reverse it for myself, but this IS what I'm ultimately searching an answer for here.
Back to life recalling. The shift towards self worth I can plainly remember from one of the first recesses after moving. I recalled being the "new kid." Not knowing anyone, I wanted to fit it. I remember two situations, one being the proverbial "who's the fastest kid on the playground" game. I accepted the challenge, lost, and was suddenly out casted from this group of the "jocks." Then came the two kids, one bigger in crutches and a leg cast, one smaller (why is it bullies always travel in this stereotype?) who asked me to kick the bigger in his cast. I refused saying I wouldn't, and with the bigger's assurance he wouldn't feel it, promptly smacked me with his crutch afterwards, to their great amusement. Suddenly, smart, cool, or even sidelined ok with himself kid was thrown out the door. Being myself didn't work either, with as said being the little hellion kind of out of control of his actions and such.
I was left, to myself to find acceptance. I couldn't even be the kid who's OK with himself, perhaps because the wrongness of myself from my parents or even in comparison with my brother didn't allow for any sort of foundation to lay. Going back to the two bullies, I remember the smaller one being name Budsy (bud-z), whom had been given the nickname from his much older sibling after a party of his where Budsy was in charge of getting beers for the older kids, thus he was given the nickname. My brother was also new, no cool incidents to reflect upon to lay groundwork. Beliefs in myself as a failure, a reject, a whatever were being cemented all around, and me without the rationality to adjust them.
Elementary school, although not the pivotal (though slightly relevant) time for popularity for everyone can still get away with wearing whatever or doing whatever for they are all blinded by irrationality, does lay the groundwork for the following though, middle school. Where popularity and the care for it runs rampant. Ah this is where life hit me the hardest. Care for this was substantial. I did gain the nickname 4G, a play on my last name, which garnered me SOME recognition, but all in all middle school was filled with me caring more about being popular or even gaining a sense of foundation more then any time in my life. Move to high school, I can recall a specific time where this ideal was shattered. I don't remember the exact point in time, but what I do recall was the experience. That everyone sucked, popularity was bogus, and I was in charge of my own life to determine who I was. Great revelation huh? You'd think so. Not really having any foundation laid, whether due to consumption over being popular or blame any other thing you wish, the fact is I had nothing to gear myself towards. See I was now left with the rational thought of I was on my own from here on out. I wanted everyone/everything to go away so I could learn who I was. Problem was, that wasn't going to happen. I still had 3-4 years left to deal with everyone and everything I had become accustomed, that I was in turn consumed by the misery that it wasn't going to go away anytime soon that it affected any sort of growth of introspection or even focus on important things like school, which can even be said to be classified under foundations or growth.
Funny enough, I remember towards the end, like the last week of school, being in a gym class, and some popular girls were actually talking to me. Through middle and high school, I was ignored, but now, NOW of all the times, we had a month left, so it was ok to throw these notions of popularity out the window and talk to me? Fantastic, I am left with my illusion shattered once more, but what's more, is I was left once more with it all being new. I was new. Not new in the sense of new being like a device which has all these cool functionalities and such, but new like a blackboard. Blank, able to have anything written on it. I was once again without a foundation.
From then on till now, many of these things played suit, really until I crashed emotionally about 2-3 years ago. I had finally met a girl to lose my virginity and gain some semblance of overcoming that issue. I was studying something I actually had an interest in. I had made friends who accepted me for who I am, although I still got picked on and such. Like I said though, I crashed.
You can go back and read everything of what was occurring until the crash, or even the aftermath, but what's important is the now. This past perspective is just that, perspective to see where certain issues may have arisen, but it's not the focus of what's going on here, so don't focus on that specifically.
So returning the present, I had a meeting last Monday with my counselor, and I was telling him of my feeling of neutrality. He challenged me to declare in 5 min to think about what I want or whats important to me in life. Now I don't recall the entire challenge, but I do recall being open-minded as a high thing on my list. Also after discussion of me feeling like I'm a 10% person wading through a sea of 90% people (what i mean here is 90% of people want to be told what to think, and I am not this way), I felt lost on what to do in life. Some of this thought still rings true, and perhaps I'll explore this more in a bit. What's important here is my stating of I have this feeling at my job of not selling myself short. How is that he asked, and I was perplexed, for I now had to look at a statement I took for granted in defining. What was short? Short implies an end goal, and what was that goal?
So here I am, searching for a goal. The reason for the perspective is to see if any foundation was laid towards this goal. If any, I may state not being like the 90%, but this seems wrong, for I am open-minded enough to be irrationally angered by 90% bottle fed information and it's people, but this still seems wrong. Wrong in the sense of not actually hitting at what I'm aiming for.
An end goal huh? I see now that my suicidal thoughts at time are only aimed at negating this end goal. With no life, there's nothing to continue towards. What I KNOW is pulling me away from this though is not the simple primal instinct to live, but the KNOWING that something is there worth aiming towards, I just have to figure out what.
Reflecting back upon this what's important to me in life idea. I could state happiness, but that seems kind of moot. sure there are things in life that make me happy, or I could even attempt to find joy in those around me or things in life etc, but this still doesn't seem to hit the mark. It appears I need to figure out an end goal for myself, something more substantial. Not being close minded, or in the 90% I find this difficult, for I can't grab a simple goal and run with it. Let me explain that more. I can't simply state I want to become an X and run towards the goal. It appears I need a foundational root to run towards that goal, or else I can see the foolishness of such a pursuit.
I could say my open-mindedness is the root towards doing something life changing, like in philosophy or whatever to change people's minds or solve a problem, and sure notions of such perpetuate my psyche, but it seems to falter under the rational of hating research and reading, which are prime things in pursuit of that interest.
Basically I could sit here and run with this idea more and more and pick apart every notion I could come up with, but I feel that's nothing more then self defeating. It hasn't worked so far, so why keep pursuing it?
So, my questions I'm playing with now are, how to perceive this end goal?
Do I need to drop myself into the lower 90% to make an end goal, lest i be nothing more than swimming in a sea of confusion and self pity that everything is wrong in life?
More questions could follow suit, but I feel even they are blanketed under something else, or will just keep me in the infinite loop I keep spinning myself in.
This post was constructive, and though it seems ranty, it actually was the release I needed for ideas, ideas to play with to get some answers.
I still feel I need to discover or set some roots, although I'm kind of confused on the notion of whether this is just flawed rational from previous beliefs, or if it is actually something substantial worth looking at.
There's something I'm missing in the totality here, I just need to uncover it. This, for my own personal growth anyway, is my end goal. Uncovering Ryan.
I know this post is going to be filled with unclear ideas and odd methods of thought, but it's meant more as a personal entry, here for public viewing pleasure. That being said, if you wish to continue, journey forth, for the spiral is being looked at here. Not entirely sure how to begin this, I suppose just free forming it is probably the best course of action, though there are specifics I wish to cover.
I suppose a lot of this started with the idea, I may even go so far as to suggest a belief now, from my counselor of me being a professional victim. Firstly, let me say don't read too much into my counselor situation or him declaring this, that's not what this is about. This is about me, focus on that.
Professional victim... an interesting notion, though I must admit I'm still not 100% sure what all this entails. It is something that's been on my mind for quite some time now, and I felt it worth delving into. I suppose in some cases I can look at it in the light of not so much always declaring myself a victim to get attention, as it would naturally suggest, but I feel for me it's more in regards to always fulfilling the victim role via low self esteem/self worth/low self affirmation/whatever you wish to declare it as.
Now, how do I fulfill this role? Ignoring previous rant based "my life sucks" rants, for that much is obvious but we're looking at the present here, I would say it's more of a settling route. Perhaps my victim-ness if you will is the not knowing where to go in life situation. Life has dealt me a hand I feel the need to bluff with I suppose, or rather that's what it feels. Although that metaphor seems inaccurate.
Let me sidetrack a bit, partially so I can actually get things a bit more focused. There are some things I've discovered in recent years through philosophy, although armed with such knowledge of these concepts and actually delving into myself through counseling, I have cemented some things, well into beliefs or I'd even go so far as to say I've blown apart some of those cemented beliefs with dynamite, and now I'm searching to rebuild, or even see what lies further in.
To rebuild anew, pick up the pieces, or see what can be salvaged. I suppose that's my purpose of this post, or at least go get some headway.
An interesting notion has stuck with me, or rather has played with my thoughts for some time now. Last, fall I believe I was in my metaphysics class, and we were discussing the self, and/or rationality. My professor brought up an intriguing point. Recall an instance when you first had a rational thought.
What sprang to light was when I was young, not sure the age, but I was in a crib I know that much. I was at my grandmother's and it was nighttime, or daytime, I'm not sure, but I remember it being semi dark. Or was it really even dark, its as thought I'm mixing two memories here. But I digress... what is important here is the following.
I remember tearing the cover off a book, not sure why, but I remember my mother coming in scolding me for the action and I was left bewildered. I KNOW I had no idea directly of rationally declaring the thought, but I know it know. This action was wrong, namely I was wrong. I was bad, flawed, wrong. Other memories that are triggered from this seem to act in similar fashion, with me performing deeds not necessarily "worthy" of society's "rightness." I know presently that I was unable to rationally declare my thoughts, and even control my behavior during these times, but what strikes me is the main point of the crib incident. How an idea so powerful, so young, can carry forth built upon circumstances and allow itself to be cemented into a belief. For a long time I focused anger towards my brother. Why? Following this method of thought I carried this notion of me being wrong or bad in comparison to my brother.
I should note I now know how foolish this was and was not able to see all the angles, but what can I say, I'm playing with a notion here, so try to follow.
My brother was the smart one, I was the hellion filled with boundless energy which parents, even mine, wished would calm down and "behave." I witnessed my brother over the years gain attention through being smart and likable. An intriguing child. You can see my point here of how this belief in my being unworthy can be cemented as such, even if I wasn't able to rationalize it at this point.
I recall further a memory of preschool, and constantly crying for my mother after being dropped off. Even further to elementary school, in my first grade teacher constantly hating me. I was playing the victim card to get attention. If I believed I was wrong or bad, surely attention from the one I saw loving me the most (she was there more anyway), this feeling would subside. In a twisted way, as though despite my flaws of being bad or wrong, she would continue to keep loving me, and this was enough to push me through life, ignoring all other's in life I was in turn blinded by this belief. Then we moved.
I remember moving quite well. We lived in a cul-de-sac so neighbors were the easy source of friends, acquaintances, or even just people you knew of. I remember one thing clearly though. There was one kid, at the end of the road, across the the cul-de-sac I believe, whom I barely knew. He was sad to see me go, and wanted to give me something to remember him by. I still don't remember who the hell it is by the way. What struck me and has stuck with me is the notion of meeting someone new. This was what life was suddenly going to be. NEW. Friends, acquaintances or whatever were gone. Even in school, though there were new people, I could return to what I was accustomed. Not anymore.
What's interesting to note here is I can see the shift in self worth from being wrong in accordance to my brother, to myself. Suddenly we were in the same boat, our family was all going to a NEW life. My brother and I were on some reasonable same plane of existence now, and though I felt bitter and such towards him over the years, I can see this as the possible cause to my almost idolization over him through the years that followed, and even the eventual friendship we have now. Long story short, this is perhaps the rationality that has led me to accepting that we are all just people, no one is wrong for being "X" or "Y."
Funny how I can rationalize this thought towards others, yet reverse it for myself, but this IS what I'm ultimately searching an answer for here.
Back to life recalling. The shift towards self worth I can plainly remember from one of the first recesses after moving. I recalled being the "new kid." Not knowing anyone, I wanted to fit it. I remember two situations, one being the proverbial "who's the fastest kid on the playground" game. I accepted the challenge, lost, and was suddenly out casted from this group of the "jocks." Then came the two kids, one bigger in crutches and a leg cast, one smaller (why is it bullies always travel in this stereotype?) who asked me to kick the bigger in his cast. I refused saying I wouldn't, and with the bigger's assurance he wouldn't feel it, promptly smacked me with his crutch afterwards, to their great amusement. Suddenly, smart, cool, or even sidelined ok with himself kid was thrown out the door. Being myself didn't work either, with as said being the little hellion kind of out of control of his actions and such.
I was left, to myself to find acceptance. I couldn't even be the kid who's OK with himself, perhaps because the wrongness of myself from my parents or even in comparison with my brother didn't allow for any sort of foundation to lay. Going back to the two bullies, I remember the smaller one being name Budsy (bud-z), whom had been given the nickname from his much older sibling after a party of his where Budsy was in charge of getting beers for the older kids, thus he was given the nickname. My brother was also new, no cool incidents to reflect upon to lay groundwork. Beliefs in myself as a failure, a reject, a whatever were being cemented all around, and me without the rationality to adjust them.
Elementary school, although not the pivotal (though slightly relevant) time for popularity for everyone can still get away with wearing whatever or doing whatever for they are all blinded by irrationality, does lay the groundwork for the following though, middle school. Where popularity and the care for it runs rampant. Ah this is where life hit me the hardest. Care for this was substantial. I did gain the nickname 4G, a play on my last name, which garnered me SOME recognition, but all in all middle school was filled with me caring more about being popular or even gaining a sense of foundation more then any time in my life. Move to high school, I can recall a specific time where this ideal was shattered. I don't remember the exact point in time, but what I do recall was the experience. That everyone sucked, popularity was bogus, and I was in charge of my own life to determine who I was. Great revelation huh? You'd think so. Not really having any foundation laid, whether due to consumption over being popular or blame any other thing you wish, the fact is I had nothing to gear myself towards. See I was now left with the rational thought of I was on my own from here on out. I wanted everyone/everything to go away so I could learn who I was. Problem was, that wasn't going to happen. I still had 3-4 years left to deal with everyone and everything I had become accustomed, that I was in turn consumed by the misery that it wasn't going to go away anytime soon that it affected any sort of growth of introspection or even focus on important things like school, which can even be said to be classified under foundations or growth.
Funny enough, I remember towards the end, like the last week of school, being in a gym class, and some popular girls were actually talking to me. Through middle and high school, I was ignored, but now, NOW of all the times, we had a month left, so it was ok to throw these notions of popularity out the window and talk to me? Fantastic, I am left with my illusion shattered once more, but what's more, is I was left once more with it all being new. I was new. Not new in the sense of new being like a device which has all these cool functionalities and such, but new like a blackboard. Blank, able to have anything written on it. I was once again without a foundation.
From then on till now, many of these things played suit, really until I crashed emotionally about 2-3 years ago. I had finally met a girl to lose my virginity and gain some semblance of overcoming that issue. I was studying something I actually had an interest in. I had made friends who accepted me for who I am, although I still got picked on and such. Like I said though, I crashed.
You can go back and read everything of what was occurring until the crash, or even the aftermath, but what's important is the now. This past perspective is just that, perspective to see where certain issues may have arisen, but it's not the focus of what's going on here, so don't focus on that specifically.
So returning the present, I had a meeting last Monday with my counselor, and I was telling him of my feeling of neutrality. He challenged me to declare in 5 min to think about what I want or whats important to me in life. Now I don't recall the entire challenge, but I do recall being open-minded as a high thing on my list. Also after discussion of me feeling like I'm a 10% person wading through a sea of 90% people (what i mean here is 90% of people want to be told what to think, and I am not this way), I felt lost on what to do in life. Some of this thought still rings true, and perhaps I'll explore this more in a bit. What's important here is my stating of I have this feeling at my job of not selling myself short. How is that he asked, and I was perplexed, for I now had to look at a statement I took for granted in defining. What was short? Short implies an end goal, and what was that goal?
So here I am, searching for a goal. The reason for the perspective is to see if any foundation was laid towards this goal. If any, I may state not being like the 90%, but this seems wrong, for I am open-minded enough to be irrationally angered by 90% bottle fed information and it's people, but this still seems wrong. Wrong in the sense of not actually hitting at what I'm aiming for.
An end goal huh? I see now that my suicidal thoughts at time are only aimed at negating this end goal. With no life, there's nothing to continue towards. What I KNOW is pulling me away from this though is not the simple primal instinct to live, but the KNOWING that something is there worth aiming towards, I just have to figure out what.
Reflecting back upon this what's important to me in life idea. I could state happiness, but that seems kind of moot. sure there are things in life that make me happy, or I could even attempt to find joy in those around me or things in life etc, but this still doesn't seem to hit the mark. It appears I need to figure out an end goal for myself, something more substantial. Not being close minded, or in the 90% I find this difficult, for I can't grab a simple goal and run with it. Let me explain that more. I can't simply state I want to become an X and run towards the goal. It appears I need a foundational root to run towards that goal, or else I can see the foolishness of such a pursuit.
I could say my open-mindedness is the root towards doing something life changing, like in philosophy or whatever to change people's minds or solve a problem, and sure notions of such perpetuate my psyche, but it seems to falter under the rational of hating research and reading, which are prime things in pursuit of that interest.
Basically I could sit here and run with this idea more and more and pick apart every notion I could come up with, but I feel that's nothing more then self defeating. It hasn't worked so far, so why keep pursuing it?
So, my questions I'm playing with now are, how to perceive this end goal?
Do I need to drop myself into the lower 90% to make an end goal, lest i be nothing more than swimming in a sea of confusion and self pity that everything is wrong in life?
More questions could follow suit, but I feel even they are blanketed under something else, or will just keep me in the infinite loop I keep spinning myself in.
This post was constructive, and though it seems ranty, it actually was the release I needed for ideas, ideas to play with to get some answers.
I still feel I need to discover or set some roots, although I'm kind of confused on the notion of whether this is just flawed rational from previous beliefs, or if it is actually something substantial worth looking at.
There's something I'm missing in the totality here, I just need to uncover it. This, for my own personal growth anyway, is my end goal. Uncovering Ryan.