I'm confused
I don't know what I want, what I'm looking for now. Aspirations? None. Desires, none. I don't even think that I want to live anymore, but I do want to, I just can't seem to make anyone understand that it's true. One great thing to make me happy, that's all I ever needed to keep me sane, but I didn't have anything for the longest time, and SuJu's trying to make up for that, but there's just too much of a gap by now.
I wonder what life was before all this, all this drama, this depression, this failing economy. I wonder what went on because I can't remember anymore. I don't remember all the joys that I experience, but the falling out was always there. I wonder why I block out the good things, why I stare at a picture and remember all the things that went wrong, but I can't find a single reason why I'm actually smiling in the photo. It's like an absurd circle of life that went into an elliptical shape, that's spiraling and rotating, and making me dizzy from just watching it.
I don't know what to do with my life. I can't be a loafer for the remainder of my years. I can't just be whatever everyone wants me to be. I need to find a calling of my own, but I've been looking for one for the past 15 years, and the only thing I ever got was that I had to not join choir (ahem...there were some really awkward moments there).
They say that it is in high school that you discover yourself, and I think that's coming true for me, but not because I can meet more people, get into more groups, no, high school was just a coincidence, because only a year or two before I had a row with a good friend, and that made all the difference in the world. After that I could only discover myself, because there wasn't a single thing that I understood before. We were like twins, really, and then a rift, and then we couldn't rely on the other for always knowing the answer, or always being there, or always making the right decisions for each other. We couldn't even consult each other anymore. There was never a limit to our madness, never a limit to how insane we could become, and in the end, even now, it is only a race to see who can become more sane than the other, because we both lost our minds so early on. We both decided that life wasn't worth living early on too, but we're still here, aren't we?