Worst Weekend Ever (WARNING: very heavily packed with TONS emotional crap. I'm serious.)
Man, I just can't let this blow over without ranting about it here on LJ. It will be good for my health I'm sure, because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. I've been crying so much and for so long I have one mother of a headache. Took some advil to take care of that, ah yes...some sweet relief after hours of my head throbbing. Of course I have nobody to blame but myself for it, so much stress will do that sort of thing. But I can't help it if I'm such a pussy about the death of my cat Genesis. All of my cats are beings that I basically give my ENTIRE heart to, and that is something a human being will probably never have the pleasure of claming. I knew each one from the day they were born, I know their personalities like no other, they were literally like my children, I guess. No matter what you call them, when I honestly love something, I want to protect it with my life. When I discovered that Genesis was killed this morning by a car driver, I feel that I have failed him entierly. I couldn't do anything about it, and now I can't even give him a proper burial. He was tossed in the trash, and he didn't deserve that at all. He deserves so much more, but there is literally nothing I can do now. It makes me want to die just thinking about it, so unjustified, and I need some justice. I can't stand thinking about him in some lady's trash can...we wouldn't do that to humans, so why do it to a cat. And a really sweet cat to boot, I mean he had the nature of an angel. He was almost too good to be true, always wanting to be loved and was always happy to see you. If you woke him up during a nap, he didn't care, he was just happy you stopped by to see him. But it seems he was the one to have a hard time from the beginning...frequently getting caught in the neighbors traps, then getting sick, and then getting run over by some dick head. But then again he did always have a problem with wandering around. He wasn't famous for crossing the street, but he would often sleep under our car, and wander about in the front yard. Perhaps today was the fateful day he decided to cross the street early in the morning. The morning is always busy on my street, and the speed limit is 30 MPH, so I have the comfort of knowing he died quickly. At least. But it's still not much of a comfort. Nothing is comforting right now. I haven't been this sad in such a long time...I forgot what it was like to feel so much. And quite frankly I wish I were heartless, because I just want to sit and cry. I hate crying...it's so pointless and a waste of energy. I feel tainted, like I just lost a vital part of my being...or perhaps a better wording would be I feel as though part of me has died. It went into the trash with poor Genesis, and it isn't coming back.
Also I feel so empty because I was just thinking about my cats the other day. I thought about the fact that I haven't seen them in so long, and how I missed each one, with their own personalities. I missed my Genesis too, him and his kind nature and his owl head. We called him Owl because his hair around his head made him look like a great horned owl some times, because it was so long. I thought about how great it would be during Thanksgiving, when I could see them all again. But now I won't ever get to see him again...ever. I HATE that, and how I just have the memories of him the last time I saw him. I'm just glad they were all great memories. But thats perhaps what hurts so much. Good memories are some of the saddest ones, because they make you miss whoever is gone more. It reminds you that you won't ever get to be with them like you had been in your memoires. In other words, it won't ever be that good again. I don't know why people sasy "good memories are the best comfort". And I never even got to say goodbye...he was just - gone. Its not fair...what did he or I ever do wrong to have that happen? He was a perfectly healthy cat, and his life was just stripped away. He had several years to live...what did he do? What did anyone do.
(WARNING: religious stuff ahead)
I hate getting all religious, but big guy up there...why the fuck would you do this? You apparently know everything...don't I deserve some sort of answer? Apparently not, and for that right now I hate you. I hate the jack ass who ran over him too. But I shoudn't be so angry...because heaven is a much better place than this earth is it not? He is in the golden palace...paradise, where he deserves to be, I just have yet to figure out his purpose in this life. Because he had one...but I wasn't done with him, it just feels like it was too soon.
END OF RELIGOUSNESS CRAP
They say love heals...I disagree right now. All love does it hurt you more while making you think it heals. Its a bittersweet lie. If I couldn't love, I wouldn't give a damn about a cat, or about anyone. I would be completely logical and wouldn't feel emotions which are in themselves entierly irrational. If I couldn't love...I wouldn't be hurt. But that is cowardly isn't it? Love takes courage, as they say, and courage is considered a "good" quality. Love is also considered to be good...actually "beautiful". And we have all heard the phrase "beauty is pain", and I think that extends into more than just physical cosmetic beauty. I mean it more in a spiritual way I guess. To experience something beautiful is to feel emotional pain, and to be able to do so willingly is courageous. I don't know...really. I am so lost, and feel so alone. Even the things I love aren't a comfort right now. Horses, art, music...nothing. Everything is meaningless. And I worry because I am usually able to cheer myself up. This is much different...this is horrible.
I'll have to build a shrine or something. I have to give Genesis a proper farewell, seeing as how I can do nothing else. Below are some pictures of him...just to remember him as he was. And I'll part with these words "Absence makes the heart brittle, and like a broken pot, a broken heart can never be mended" and "Why can't I be made of stone like these?"
He was being silly here.
Lastly here they all are, or well, mostly. Rika isn't there, she was still on the porch. Genesis is the one with the shiny collar. I gave it especially to him to distinguish im from Angeal. At that age they were almost impossible to tell apart.
Also I feel so empty because I was just thinking about my cats the other day. I thought about the fact that I haven't seen them in so long, and how I missed each one, with their own personalities. I missed my Genesis too, him and his kind nature and his owl head. We called him Owl because his hair around his head made him look like a great horned owl some times, because it was so long. I thought about how great it would be during Thanksgiving, when I could see them all again. But now I won't ever get to see him again...ever. I HATE that, and how I just have the memories of him the last time I saw him. I'm just glad they were all great memories. But thats perhaps what hurts so much. Good memories are some of the saddest ones, because they make you miss whoever is gone more. It reminds you that you won't ever get to be with them like you had been in your memoires. In other words, it won't ever be that good again. I don't know why people sasy "good memories are the best comfort". And I never even got to say goodbye...he was just - gone. Its not fair...what did he or I ever do wrong to have that happen? He was a perfectly healthy cat, and his life was just stripped away. He had several years to live...what did he do? What did anyone do.
(WARNING: religious stuff ahead)
I hate getting all religious, but big guy up there...why the fuck would you do this? You apparently know everything...don't I deserve some sort of answer? Apparently not, and for that right now I hate you. I hate the jack ass who ran over him too. But I shoudn't be so angry...because heaven is a much better place than this earth is it not? He is in the golden palace...paradise, where he deserves to be, I just have yet to figure out his purpose in this life. Because he had one...but I wasn't done with him, it just feels like it was too soon.
END OF RELIGOUSNESS CRAP
They say love heals...I disagree right now. All love does it hurt you more while making you think it heals. Its a bittersweet lie. If I couldn't love, I wouldn't give a damn about a cat, or about anyone. I would be completely logical and wouldn't feel emotions which are in themselves entierly irrational. If I couldn't love...I wouldn't be hurt. But that is cowardly isn't it? Love takes courage, as they say, and courage is considered a "good" quality. Love is also considered to be good...actually "beautiful". And we have all heard the phrase "beauty is pain", and I think that extends into more than just physical cosmetic beauty. I mean it more in a spiritual way I guess. To experience something beautiful is to feel emotional pain, and to be able to do so willingly is courageous. I don't know...really. I am so lost, and feel so alone. Even the things I love aren't a comfort right now. Horses, art, music...nothing. Everything is meaningless. And I worry because I am usually able to cheer myself up. This is much different...this is horrible.
I'll have to build a shrine or something. I have to give Genesis a proper farewell, seeing as how I can do nothing else. Below are some pictures of him...just to remember him as he was. And I'll part with these words "Absence makes the heart brittle, and like a broken pot, a broken heart can never be mended" and "Why can't I be made of stone like these?"
He was being silly here.
Lastly here they all are, or well, mostly. Rika isn't there, she was still on the porch. Genesis is the one with the shiny collar. I gave it especially to him to distinguish im from Angeal. At that age they were almost impossible to tell apart.