Cellulite Sally
Cellulite Sally
or,
You ain't never watched Party of Five
I think that yesterday was quite possibly the wildest the VH1 pool has ever been. I got out there about 2 oclock, and Joseph was out there with one of his sons, along with Jeffrey, Crystal, Meagan, Benjamin, and some folk we had met the day of the wedding. There were two blond dudes whom I decided to call "Albino I and Albino II" because they were so devoid of color to me. Allegra was out there was well, this blond med student whom every guy in Village Park apartments would gladly give his testicles to have a chance with. Ryan Hoover, the dumb jock from my high school, came out and started to talk my neck off. Durodgio soon joined me, and then Ryan Hoover talked his neck off. Durodgio can conversate with absolutely anyone and make him or her believe completely that he's interested in what is being said. Hell, he even convinces me. It's only when he turns around toward me and makes a face or rings an imaginary "all in the business bell" that I know he is just as annoyed as I would expect.
Benjamin was acting like he was plastered, and he hadn't been drinking anything but light beer. Durodgio and I kept saying that there must have been something in them Coors Lights, because neither one of us has ever gotten half that drunk off of beer. Benjamin was acting positively silly, and he was swearing far more than I have ever heard him. We he and I talked about going to hang out later that night, I said "All right, but go home and take a nap first."
AND THEN, when Durodgio saw Allegra, some fun really began. Allegra is in great shape. I mean really great shape. No, no, I mean really, really great shape. He said "Damn, look at them traps! Look at them latissimus dorsi! That's a dude." And of course, to make matters funnier, there was naturally a crowd a five guys surrounding her in the pool (including Albinos I and II and Benjamin) and the joke was by then almost too much for us. Durodgio kept saying things like "You ain't Stephanie, you Steve!" and "You ain't Christine, you Christopher!"
BUT, the real excitement came when the white trash contingent arrived. Jeffrey and Mathew are from some place they call "Downriver," which I hear is positively festering with white trash. These three representatives were no exception. There were two sisters, one of whom was 20 and the other was almost 27, and some dude. The 27 year old used to date a good friend of Jeffrey's and Mathew's, so they go back a while. She was a hot mess. Before we knew that she knew Mathew, Durodgio and I were calling her Cellulite Sally. She and her sister were desperate to play something called "Chicken," which I suppose is some kind of white trash game. The 20 year old mounted Joseph, and Cellulite Sally decided to enlist Durodgio. She told him that she weight 130. As soon as they had lost miserably twice, Durodgio came out and said to me: "The bitch said she weighs 130. Bullshit. 130 plus 60." Later, when the big bitch was on top of her white trash companion, her titty fell out, and it was out for a good five minutes while everyone outside of the pool laughed his or her ass of hysterically. She pulled her sister out of her top as well, briefly. I kid you not, it was wild enough to be the Spring Break pool for the day.
I don't know what folk were talking about at this point, but the 20 year old asked Durodgio if he ever watched Party of Five. He said "Oh yeah!" (being completely serious) and I shouted out "Bitch, you ain't never watched Party of Five!" and laughed so hard I thought I was going to drown.
Later, Mathew was once again going to try to refulfill his lifetime goal: swimming back and forth in the pool underwater. I expected that we might need to give CPR and rescue breaths, so I went to conscientiously went to check the first aid kit for a mask. (In case Allegra would rather do the chest compressions and leave me with the rescue breathing.) I was aghast. I opened the first aid kit, and it was desolate. If it had been a desert, it would have been parched. If it had been a field of crops, it would have just been hit by a plague of locusts. There was not so much as a bandaid in the damn thing.
I am really happy that I thoroughly enjoyed myself but actually only drank in moderation, so I do remember all of what happened, and I do not feel ill today. Hooray for temperance.
The song I just downloaded, "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley, always makes me think of Joseph and laugh. I think it was the song he was dancing around to the day of the wedding when he went to tickle the feet of the girls (he didn't know) at the other end of the pool.
or,
You ain't never watched Party of Five
I think that yesterday was quite possibly the wildest the VH1 pool has ever been. I got out there about 2 oclock, and Joseph was out there with one of his sons, along with Jeffrey, Crystal, Meagan, Benjamin, and some folk we had met the day of the wedding. There were two blond dudes whom I decided to call "Albino I and Albino II" because they were so devoid of color to me. Allegra was out there was well, this blond med student whom every guy in Village Park apartments would gladly give his testicles to have a chance with. Ryan Hoover, the dumb jock from my high school, came out and started to talk my neck off. Durodgio soon joined me, and then Ryan Hoover talked his neck off. Durodgio can conversate with absolutely anyone and make him or her believe completely that he's interested in what is being said. Hell, he even convinces me. It's only when he turns around toward me and makes a face or rings an imaginary "all in the business bell" that I know he is just as annoyed as I would expect.
Benjamin was acting like he was plastered, and he hadn't been drinking anything but light beer. Durodgio and I kept saying that there must have been something in them Coors Lights, because neither one of us has ever gotten half that drunk off of beer. Benjamin was acting positively silly, and he was swearing far more than I have ever heard him. We he and I talked about going to hang out later that night, I said "All right, but go home and take a nap first."
AND THEN, when Durodgio saw Allegra, some fun really began. Allegra is in great shape. I mean really great shape. No, no, I mean really, really great shape. He said "Damn, look at them traps! Look at them latissimus dorsi! That's a dude." And of course, to make matters funnier, there was naturally a crowd a five guys surrounding her in the pool (including Albinos I and II and Benjamin) and the joke was by then almost too much for us. Durodgio kept saying things like "You ain't Stephanie, you Steve!" and "You ain't Christine, you Christopher!"
BUT, the real excitement came when the white trash contingent arrived. Jeffrey and Mathew are from some place they call "Downriver," which I hear is positively festering with white trash. These three representatives were no exception. There were two sisters, one of whom was 20 and the other was almost 27, and some dude. The 27 year old used to date a good friend of Jeffrey's and Mathew's, so they go back a while. She was a hot mess. Before we knew that she knew Mathew, Durodgio and I were calling her Cellulite Sally. She and her sister were desperate to play something called "Chicken," which I suppose is some kind of white trash game. The 20 year old mounted Joseph, and Cellulite Sally decided to enlist Durodgio. She told him that she weight 130. As soon as they had lost miserably twice, Durodgio came out and said to me: "The bitch said she weighs 130. Bullshit. 130 plus 60." Later, when the big bitch was on top of her white trash companion, her titty fell out, and it was out for a good five minutes while everyone outside of the pool laughed his or her ass of hysterically. She pulled her sister out of her top as well, briefly. I kid you not, it was wild enough to be the Spring Break pool for the day.
I don't know what folk were talking about at this point, but the 20 year old asked Durodgio if he ever watched Party of Five. He said "Oh yeah!" (being completely serious) and I shouted out "Bitch, you ain't never watched Party of Five!" and laughed so hard I thought I was going to drown.
Later, Mathew was once again going to try to refulfill his lifetime goal: swimming back and forth in the pool underwater. I expected that we might need to give CPR and rescue breaths, so I went to conscientiously went to check the first aid kit for a mask. (In case Allegra would rather do the chest compressions and leave me with the rescue breathing.) I was aghast. I opened the first aid kit, and it was desolate. If it had been a desert, it would have been parched. If it had been a field of crops, it would have just been hit by a plague of locusts. There was not so much as a bandaid in the damn thing.
I am really happy that I thoroughly enjoyed myself but actually only drank in moderation, so I do remember all of what happened, and I do not feel ill today. Hooray for temperance.
The song I just downloaded, "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley, always makes me think of Joseph and laugh. I think it was the song he was dancing around to the day of the wedding when he went to tickle the feet of the girls (he didn't know) at the other end of the pool.