(no subject)
I decided as soon as I finished my last post that I should go see Mathew. Accordingly, I went to the Inn Place. I didn't talk to him much, but I did talk to Paul, the older gay guy. I talked to Paul about my situation with Mathew, and he said that he knows that Mathew cares about me, he just might not have the tools to provide me with exactly what I need as a friend.
On my way home, as if from a brilliant flash of inspiration, (which is so stupid, since it's so obvious) I realized that my big fucking problem is that I am expecting my friends to be absolutely perfect. Maybe that would be all right if I were anything close to perfect, but admittedly, I realize that being a close friend of mines is probably very emotionally trying. I should give people fucking awards for being my friend. Every friend will have positive and negative qualities; yes, Mathew doesn't always listen and he's perpetually drunk, but he hugs me all the time because he knows that I need reassurance. Jeffrey doesn't call me much, but the last night we hung out together, he held on to me while I cried my eyes out.
In short, I learned yet another lesson that I'll probably forget within a week.
On my way home, as if from a brilliant flash of inspiration, (which is so stupid, since it's so obvious) I realized that my big fucking problem is that I am expecting my friends to be absolutely perfect. Maybe that would be all right if I were anything close to perfect, but admittedly, I realize that being a close friend of mines is probably very emotionally trying. I should give people fucking awards for being my friend. Every friend will have positive and negative qualities; yes, Mathew doesn't always listen and he's perpetually drunk, but he hugs me all the time because he knows that I need reassurance. Jeffrey doesn't call me much, but the last night we hung out together, he held on to me while I cried my eyes out.
In short, I learned yet another lesson that I'll probably forget within a week.