Move to Montana
Since I worked last night, I didn't get to bed until about 0400. My phone went off at about 0915; it was Mathew's sister. She told me that he died peacefully at around 0300. It was the phone call that I knew was coming. Even though I hadn't been asleep very long, I was suddenly wide awake. While I was still on the phone with her, I started crying and shaking. Understandable.
Crystal called me a little while later. Someone had already called Jeffrey, who had told her. I called her after I picked up my car ($425 for brakes) returned the rental (like $40 for one day) and gone to the doctor (waited over an hour before he even saw me.) We decided that it would probably be best to give Jeffrey time to himself.
Mathew's sister called me later and told me when the viewings and funeral would take place. I called Jeffrey, knowing that he wouldn't answer, and I left a message saying that I know it's a difficult time for him, but I just wanted to let him know about the arrangements. I told him to call me when he was ready and said that I was keeping him in my thoughts.
Crystal called me later and asked if Jeffrey had called; he said that he was going to do so to thank me for the message. He never did, but it just gave me another piece to this mystery about what my friendship with him has become. Crystal will occasionally tell me things like that-if I haven't seen him for a while, he'll comment to her about it.
He's such an emotionally closed person that I have always had a difficult time interpreting his actions. I'm unused to that sensation; the only other person I've ever met who is as much of an emotional enigma is my brother. Anyone else in the world, I know more about what he's feeling than he does himself.
Which makes me think...I'd written a blog on myspace about feeling like I'm living my life with chronic emotional intensity-my brother posted a response saying that everybody does the same thing, but some people hold it in until they kill their wives, grow a beard, and move to Montana.
So the conclusion...I have no idea. I'm going to the viewing on Tuesday and the funeral on Wednesday. During the viewing, there will be the opportunity for anybody to get up and share things about Mathew. I think that it's important that I do, for my own benefit and so his family has some kind of idea about how close we were. Of course, I couldn't do it without sobbing hysterically, and I'm not so good at speaking at those times. Hell, I cry at funerals even if I don't know the person.
Why am I writing this stuff every day? I guess so I'll have a testament about what was going through my head at the time.
It hits me at various times like a weight being thrown on me.
I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people can hold up under the crushing pressure of this kind of loss.
Crystal called me a little while later. Someone had already called Jeffrey, who had told her. I called her after I picked up my car ($425 for brakes) returned the rental (like $40 for one day) and gone to the doctor (waited over an hour before he even saw me.) We decided that it would probably be best to give Jeffrey time to himself.
Mathew's sister called me later and told me when the viewings and funeral would take place. I called Jeffrey, knowing that he wouldn't answer, and I left a message saying that I know it's a difficult time for him, but I just wanted to let him know about the arrangements. I told him to call me when he was ready and said that I was keeping him in my thoughts.
Crystal called me later and asked if Jeffrey had called; he said that he was going to do so to thank me for the message. He never did, but it just gave me another piece to this mystery about what my friendship with him has become. Crystal will occasionally tell me things like that-if I haven't seen him for a while, he'll comment to her about it.
He's such an emotionally closed person that I have always had a difficult time interpreting his actions. I'm unused to that sensation; the only other person I've ever met who is as much of an emotional enigma is my brother. Anyone else in the world, I know more about what he's feeling than he does himself.
Which makes me think...I'd written a blog on myspace about feeling like I'm living my life with chronic emotional intensity-my brother posted a response saying that everybody does the same thing, but some people hold it in until they kill their wives, grow a beard, and move to Montana.
So the conclusion...I have no idea. I'm going to the viewing on Tuesday and the funeral on Wednesday. During the viewing, there will be the opportunity for anybody to get up and share things about Mathew. I think that it's important that I do, for my own benefit and so his family has some kind of idea about how close we were. Of course, I couldn't do it without sobbing hysterically, and I'm not so good at speaking at those times. Hell, I cry at funerals even if I don't know the person.
Why am I writing this stuff every day? I guess so I'll have a testament about what was going through my head at the time.
It hits me at various times like a weight being thrown on me.
I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people can hold up under the crushing pressure of this kind of loss.