I'm sorry

[revrabbidan]

well, it really looked like i would be coming down this weekend, but some things have been on my brain lately that really need to be worked out before i can enjoy spending time with everyone. I really wanted and needed to come down this weekend, but i would be so distracted and upset that it just wouldn't do me any good, that and i'd just be pretty much running away from my problems. who knows, i might get this shit hammered out before friday, but i somehow doubt it, if for no other reason than things just don't work out that well for me. i've been drinking a lot lately and going through 3-4 packs of cigarettes a day, and really thats just not healthy, especially when i'm doing it because i'm accruing stress like a loan shark accrues interest. i need to get away from it all, but not before i clear the air up here about certain things while they can still be fixed. basically, i need to clear some things up with zach, especially since i've realized that theres been some tension there, and i need to have a sit down conversation with stephanie since most of my stress revolves around her and i'm really tired of it, she just needs to realize some things about me that i think she's been really naive/clueless about because its outside of her realm of experience. so this is my official, full apology for not being able to come down, and i'm really disappointed and sorry, but i've been putting this shit off for awhile and just dealing with school work and brooding and we all know how bad that is, add to that the fact that i feel really sorry for not being around and feeling like i've been neglecting you all and i just end up feeling bad about everything. i'm so twisted up inside over stephanie and worrying that i'm neglecting you guys and just brooding and worrying that i'm starting to feel really sick about it all. i really don't want to lose you guys as friends because i haven't been there, but thats something of a concern i have, or really i'm worried about growing apart from you. but yeah, so all in all i've got a lot on my plate that needs to be cleared off and i'm hoping to take care of whatever i can before i come down, anything left before then will end up being shit that couldn't be taken care of and i'll be very distraught over it. i know that looks like i only come down when i need you guys' help with something but really, i just need to get this shit taken care of so that i can come down with a clear head and actually want to be around anyone. i love you all, i really do, i'll be calling some of you or talking on aim sometime soon, and i hope to see you all soon.

love, dan