Jersey Days
The music echoes this vacant home oh so well in the silence of the evening sunset on this very Thursday day.
I have been gone for the past few days in Jersey, sleeping on a new couch in a new suite in another holiday inn. Swimming in another pool, working out in another fitness center. But the nightmares still come. -_- People I miss show up and for a second I think it's all real and then I awaken realizing it was all just a dream.
Well if you would love to hear of the most intense part of these past few days I will tell...
Yesterday we were looking for winter coats since we have never lived in such weather before, and near the end of our experience in a Burlington Coat Factory my mom wanted me to try on these coats that I knew I probably wasn't going to like but I was trying them on for her anyhow just to appease her. Then my sis came up through the aisle accusing my mom of being unfair because there was a coat she wanted that was probably just as expensive as those that she wasn't buying for her and of course this was all originally a misunderstanding. We were in the store just to see what coats we liked and what styles worked best. But this is not what my sis thought was going on so she got all up in arms and we left right away for the hotel. 0_0 Let me just say it was NOT a fun experience. Next thing I know my sis is being lectured and I have no where to go so I get myself a wild cherry pepsi to try and drink and keep out of the conversation while refolding clothes in my backpack. Then my mom seemed to be asking for confirmation from me for what she had said about coat shopping a week or so ago and when I agreed she COMBUSTED. 0_0 I was threatened on behalf of her being so angry at my sis. So what do I do? Of course this is where I explode because I am done with this. This has become a common theme where I get punished for my younger sister doing something upsetting to my mom and usually I do not even have to say a word. I tell her I am sick of it and that I was only responding because I was agreeing with her on a point and my dad backed me up. This is where I am thinking... THANK YOU! And now my mom apologizes and has not done anything of the same since. But of course I am still a bit upset so I go to the pool to swim and workout in the fitness center to get energy out since there was no computer, no guitar, no book to write in. I went so fast and so long on the treadmill for an hour that I had hit a runner's high where I felt I could go on for hours and hours on end. But I stopped myself and went up stairs.
We came back today and now I am alone while the rest of the family is at the church. It's not that I am against church, it's just that I think I need to find my place. Not letting my parents choose that for me. I will listen to the messages from my old church online and keep on working out and praying, but these churches are not exactly where I feel I am being called.
Another reoccurring theme is the random comments about marrying me off again. T_T I hate this discussion and these remarks. It makes me feel like I am a product being sold off. But I am not. This is not the 1800's where my marriage defines me, IF I ever get married. A woman can do perfectly well here in the U.S. and honestly I just want friends right now. I want people to really laugh with, people to talk to for hours on end, people to go see movies and bowl or hike with. People to go on adventures with. -_-
I have been seeing some cool places though, on the brighter side of things. I mean it's really pretty here and there are all types of people to meet along the way. But it's harder when most of the people your age are off vacationing for the summer and what not.
Just a random though.... by myself:
Vacant buildings of steel and brick lay on the land beneath the industrial bridges that hold passers by .
All day and all night
through dusk and dawn
amongst the sun's rays you can see the vibrance of the shadows that once operated such machinery
but now the rust overcomes them
down the city streets you see many sitting on the front stoops
and really it seems like many are just waiting
hoping
for that next phone call, the next job shift, the next bike to ride down the street
the skyscrapers glisten and the people stride on either side going, and going
whispering, talking, shouting, and keeping silence as they scurry to and fro
and as I stand here I look amongst myself and think
every person beside me is a totally different perspective, with a different story, and a different background
and this is my question...
as these people pray, hope, wish for good luck, or just talk to the moon in hopes that someone or something out there hears them,
who is listening?
I have been gone for the past few days in Jersey, sleeping on a new couch in a new suite in another holiday inn. Swimming in another pool, working out in another fitness center. But the nightmares still come. -_- People I miss show up and for a second I think it's all real and then I awaken realizing it was all just a dream.
Well if you would love to hear of the most intense part of these past few days I will tell...
Yesterday we were looking for winter coats since we have never lived in such weather before, and near the end of our experience in a Burlington Coat Factory my mom wanted me to try on these coats that I knew I probably wasn't going to like but I was trying them on for her anyhow just to appease her. Then my sis came up through the aisle accusing my mom of being unfair because there was a coat she wanted that was probably just as expensive as those that she wasn't buying for her and of course this was all originally a misunderstanding. We were in the store just to see what coats we liked and what styles worked best. But this is not what my sis thought was going on so she got all up in arms and we left right away for the hotel. 0_0 Let me just say it was NOT a fun experience. Next thing I know my sis is being lectured and I have no where to go so I get myself a wild cherry pepsi to try and drink and keep out of the conversation while refolding clothes in my backpack. Then my mom seemed to be asking for confirmation from me for what she had said about coat shopping a week or so ago and when I agreed she COMBUSTED. 0_0 I was threatened on behalf of her being so angry at my sis. So what do I do? Of course this is where I explode because I am done with this. This has become a common theme where I get punished for my younger sister doing something upsetting to my mom and usually I do not even have to say a word. I tell her I am sick of it and that I was only responding because I was agreeing with her on a point and my dad backed me up. This is where I am thinking... THANK YOU! And now my mom apologizes and has not done anything of the same since. But of course I am still a bit upset so I go to the pool to swim and workout in the fitness center to get energy out since there was no computer, no guitar, no book to write in. I went so fast and so long on the treadmill for an hour that I had hit a runner's high where I felt I could go on for hours and hours on end. But I stopped myself and went up stairs.
We came back today and now I am alone while the rest of the family is at the church. It's not that I am against church, it's just that I think I need to find my place. Not letting my parents choose that for me. I will listen to the messages from my old church online and keep on working out and praying, but these churches are not exactly where I feel I am being called.
Another reoccurring theme is the random comments about marrying me off again. T_T I hate this discussion and these remarks. It makes me feel like I am a product being sold off. But I am not. This is not the 1800's where my marriage defines me, IF I ever get married. A woman can do perfectly well here in the U.S. and honestly I just want friends right now. I want people to really laugh with, people to talk to for hours on end, people to go see movies and bowl or hike with. People to go on adventures with. -_-
I have been seeing some cool places though, on the brighter side of things. I mean it's really pretty here and there are all types of people to meet along the way. But it's harder when most of the people your age are off vacationing for the summer and what not.
Just a random though.... by myself:
Vacant buildings of steel and brick lay on the land beneath the industrial bridges that hold passers by .
All day and all night
through dusk and dawn
amongst the sun's rays you can see the vibrance of the shadows that once operated such machinery
but now the rust overcomes them
down the city streets you see many sitting on the front stoops
and really it seems like many are just waiting
hoping
for that next phone call, the next job shift, the next bike to ride down the street
the skyscrapers glisten and the people stride on either side going, and going
whispering, talking, shouting, and keeping silence as they scurry to and fro
and as I stand here I look amongst myself and think
every person beside me is a totally different perspective, with a different story, and a different background
and this is my question...
as these people pray, hope, wish for good luck, or just talk to the moon in hopes that someone or something out there hears them,
who is listening?