Lullaby
On Saturday I found that a good friend had been taken from me.
When I found out I was in the middle of what turned out to be a very long shoot, so I had to try and tuck it away as much as I could. Yesterday, I slept. I slept all day and night. Partly because of grief, but partly because I had just worked from noon on Saturday to 9 am on Sunday. Now I'm awake, no longer trying to suppress it so I can make it thought a job, and now it's all really starting to hit me.
I've seen some people say they're not totally surprised, and I guess I can see why, but I am. I'm surprised and heartbroken and horrified. Katie's end was a violent one, and I can't even fathom the idea of anyone hurting, let alone killing her. I'm trying hard not to imagine her final moments because it's too much. When her mom was telling me what happened I'm not sure if she actually told me the exact cause of death because after the words "boyfriend came up behind her" everything just went gray and fuzzy.
I'm so full of hurt and rage right now that I can't really see straight. It bothers me in such a strange way to know that I was trying so hard to get a hold of her over the last few days, and she might have already been gone.
I've been listening to her old band, Left on Calliope. I was trying to find them on youtube, since I seem to remember some of their songs being posted there. I wanted to post a song on facebook. There was a pretty long period of time, i think over a year, where damn near every show Tesseract7 did had LOC going on before us. I enjoyed the band, liked hanging out with James, and loved the hell out of Katie so every time we played and there was an open slot I'd make sure they got on. It was, without a doubt, the most fun period of time I've ever had as a musician. As recently as last year I was poking at her to do more music or reunite with James so I could get those days going again. A futile task, i knew, and one i was mostly joking about, but it would have been so cool. I have a bunch of pictures of them playing, and a limited selection of pics of us all hanging out. The picture above is from before or after a really terrible show at Kimo's.
I'm pretty bummed about all the things we talked about that never happened. As recently as a month or two ago we were talking about getting together to record some goofy synth pop music or something. She really wanted to do that, but in her very unique Katie way, really wanting to do something in no way implied it was going to happen. She had withdrawn a bit for the last few months, but it wasn't something I thought about because it was just how Katie was. She'd be my best bud for 9 months, then disappear for 3. She and I would go clubbing every week for a year, and suddenly not speak for 4 months. she would withdraw, and become a hermit, or hang with a different group of friends exclusively for a while, then she'd be back. so i thought nothing of it. the shit thing is, about last week i had decided it was time to kick it again. so i started calling and texting her again a few days ago with no response. When I spoke to her mom, they weren't sure what day Katie had actually died on, so I don't know if she was alive at any point that I was trying to get a hold of her. She'd been trying really hard to get me to go work with her at Rasputin's for a long time, but having a degree and all I figured I was too good for retail. So I turned in the resume and did very little to follow through. Now I wish I had. hindsight is always 20/20... or in the case of extreme grief it could be 20/20 or it could be a complete mess. I have no idea. I just wish I had that time with her. I figured she'd never find a place in the world, but she'd always have a place across a table from, or on a barstool beside me, or in front of me on the dance floor.
I remember holding hands with her every time we drove to the city. We were never actually romantically involved, though it did come up in a few conversations. but we never dated or anything. however we always held hands in the car. It was sort of a weird Katie/Glenn quirk. We both found it comforting I guess.
There are so many stories about her that I tell on a regular basis. Pushing her home in a swivel chair when she was too drunk to walk, the Tom Cruise incident, her showing up to a gig with make up made to look like she's been beaten up because "it was metal', her band making the audience think that they were going to play Rock You Like A Hurricane, but really playing All That She Wants... the list goes on. In more recent days we didn't have as many crazy incidents, but generally just did normal things together. Went out for drinks, or lunch, or just hung out in my front yard smelling the jasmine and talking.
I'll miss our talks so much. She could go on for hours and hours. I think that she could really talk to anyone forever and that was something I loved because I can do the same thing.
I know that Katie had massive problems. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, her obsession with being a foreigner obviously stemming from being adopted, her lack of discrimination in who she allowed into her life and her overall self destructiveness. But from my perspective, the great thing about Katie was no matter how massive her issues were they were never the first thing I thought of when I thought of her. I thought of all the really great times we had together. Nights of drunken debauchery, long conversations on anything great or small, so many club nights, writing songs about lesbian affairs with germen girls, hanging out after shows.... everything. Her smile was amazing and she had such a sunny disposition so much of the time we were together. I saw the darker sides, and her destructive side and all that, but when we were together those things were so rarely at the forefront. We were affectionate and sweet with each other all the time. There was never drama, though I know she had it with others. A little while ago she gave me the nickname "Good Time Glenn" because she always knew we could just go out and have fun together with no bullshit. And that was something I loved about her, the fact that no matter what was going on with us as individuals we never had that bullshit between us.
Katie and I were always close and I love her dearly. I'm so hurt and angry that she's gone. She was so vibrant and wonderful and brought so much fun and joy to my life.
The world, and my life, are both truly darker and lousier places today. I'm so fucking devistated. I miss her so much.
Rest In Peace, Katie.
You deserve it. Whatever happens after death, I hope someday I see you again.
I'll always miss holding your hand.
goodbye, 5000