(no subject)
My current state of mind... ideas, thoughts, fears, depression all working to tear me apart. I've been like this again the past couple nights. My paranoia, rather than easily being realized as ridiculous and unnecessary, sometimes comes across as such incredible, usually painful moments of clarity. Things that I do not want to believe... but even so, my mind either finds or creates logic and reason behind them and the thoughts cause their damage... inspiring depression and anger which worsens the paranoia, so that the more my mind is able to obsess over these things I continue to decline to this current state where suicide becomes so desirable. I feel, know, that I am such a hopeless, worthless person, that even when my mind is clear and without depression, I cannot fathom any reason that I am still alive, why I continue to decide against doing something that I realize I should have done years, a decade ago.