Damn me
Why do i have to do such stupid things?
Going to the faire wasnt bad, going with two guys wasnt such a bad thing either. But going with the guy you like and want to get to know posibly as more than friends was not the smartest thing in the world. And of course afterwards i had to invite him up to see my dormroom. honestly i would have been safe with that. the faire i was safe because jeff was there and his interests lye in emily and i dont want him either way, so he albet unconsiously played peacemaker to my soul. keeping me from worrying too much about the situation im pulling myself into. Afterwards though it was a blanket invitation to both, jeff chose to go home. So i brought the other up and showed him my knives and some of the oddities i store on my computer, he didnt look in the right places so didnt find the link to this and thats probly good. Then i did a very very stupid thing. I gave him a backrub. Now your wondering whats so stupid about this... his neck hurt and you were trying to help him out... yes but i am a creature of touch though i do not show it. The very fact that i touched him makes it a lot harder for me to be a nutral friend, the fact that he chose to repay me by giving one in return means im going to cry myself to sleep for the next few nights because i have no one to hold, no one to hold me. I cant do this! i dont know what the undercurrants between him and my friend are and i dont know what i am to him and i dont know what to do with myself half the time! Im going to end up going to far and hurting a whole lot of people that i dont want hurt. I almost kissed him tonight... he practically dared me too though he wasnt aware of what i was thinking... Instead i blushed and refused to tell him what i had almost done. ::logs off as the tears begin to fall::
Going to the faire wasnt bad, going with two guys wasnt such a bad thing either. But going with the guy you like and want to get to know posibly as more than friends was not the smartest thing in the world. And of course afterwards i had to invite him up to see my dormroom. honestly i would have been safe with that. the faire i was safe because jeff was there and his interests lye in emily and i dont want him either way, so he albet unconsiously played peacemaker to my soul. keeping me from worrying too much about the situation im pulling myself into. Afterwards though it was a blanket invitation to both, jeff chose to go home. So i brought the other up and showed him my knives and some of the oddities i store on my computer, he didnt look in the right places so didnt find the link to this and thats probly good. Then i did a very very stupid thing. I gave him a backrub. Now your wondering whats so stupid about this... his neck hurt and you were trying to help him out... yes but i am a creature of touch though i do not show it. The very fact that i touched him makes it a lot harder for me to be a nutral friend, the fact that he chose to repay me by giving one in return means im going to cry myself to sleep for the next few nights because i have no one to hold, no one to hold me. I cant do this! i dont know what the undercurrants between him and my friend are and i dont know what i am to him and i dont know what to do with myself half the time! Im going to end up going to far and hurting a whole lot of people that i dont want hurt. I almost kissed him tonight... he practically dared me too though he wasnt aware of what i was thinking... Instead i blushed and refused to tell him what i had almost done. ::logs off as the tears begin to fall::