(no subject)
that was the first time you've said fuck you to me and i laughed out loud
i just can't believe that you and i "apparently" feel the exact same way about how the other one is treating us but refuses to believe that the other may feel that way
i never thought i'd build a lump in my stomach every time i saw or spoke to you
just so scared in anticipation of the rude things you have to say in response to ANYTHING i comment on or even better, the ever-popular "PSHUHHHHH" exasperated sigh that says "i could seriously give a shit and could be doing something soooo much cooler right now than listen to your boring ass"
i have tried, since the initial attack regarding devin and drugs, to be cordial. i have walked on eggshells every day since then, so scared of losing you because i have become, of all things, annoying to you
i even went with him and robb to surprise you at work. i could NOT believe the reaction i got. never before and never again will i venture to your workplace if i'm to get that response. "Devin!!!!" "Robb!!!!" "oh....hey...miranda..." like i was the LAST person you wanted to see
i bought you that jacket for christmas, assuming that i wouldn't get a gift back. even my mom was like, aren't you two fighting? why are you getting her such a nice jacket? my reply was that i wanted things to get better and i'd hoped it would show that.
but i guess i'm just this selfish, annoying bitch who you hate now. i'd really like not to be. i'd really like you to see that you're not always right and stop being the immature taurus you are by never admitting your faults. but maybe that's just being 17...
i, however, have been doing nothing but apologizing for my actions and attitude throughout this whole thing. that, and avoiding you.
i used to think it was cool the way you could put everyone down and laugh at how lame everyone else was but us. i admired your "i'm fuckin becky and i can fuckin do anything fuckin fuck!" attitude but suddenly, i find it turned on me and it's not so cool.
oh and i LOOOOVED that whole thing where i finally confronted you (via text message, but nonetheless) regarding something that was actually hurting my feelings - that thing you do/did where you said "who cares" after every fucking statement i made. that's really rejuvenating. it makes me feel super confident that i'm even fucking allowed to have a goddamned opinion.
and i finally say something to you, after phrasing what i had to say in the text JUST SO you wouldn't retort with "who cares" and you still did. in response, i asked you nicely to stop saying that and if you really don't care, then say so. but to incinuate that no one gives a shit about what i have to say? well that's just fucking rude. who the hell are you to say something like that? because i'm sure when you rattle off a mile-a-minute oh, every thirty seconds, everyone is paying attention.
but here's the best part! after not only responding with, well fine, I DON'T CARE, you proceeded to write a LIVEJOURNAL entry devoted entirely to how fucking retarded miranda must be for caring about what i say to her. "who. cares. fuck..." right?
no wonder i've been so goddamned scared to talk to you! do you see the series of events that has led us here? please tell me about how horrible my attitude is lately when i haven't spoken more than six words to you in the past six months. please tell me why i sat on the phone with you and tried to console you when you told me the horrible shit sergio had done to you. please tell me one more time about how i can't "suck it up and deal" with you.
so i'm sorry for not wanting your negative energy around while i'm on psychadelics but i sincerely believe that everything would not have "been fine". i would have been just as nervous and scared around your loud obtrusive persona as i've been when i'm sober, but magnified. and believe me, do not doubt for a moment that i haven't shed tears for you. i cried all of halloween night with my boyfriend because of you. didn't go out at all - even ask atticus, he got a direct recap of the conversation. don't doubt for a moment that i ever wanted our relationship to be anything but peachy. i never would have asked for this treatment. not in a million years. but i'd like to think you're worth it, so prove me right.
and here, i'm sorry for everything i've ever done to you.
now let's see if you care
i just can't believe that you and i "apparently" feel the exact same way about how the other one is treating us but refuses to believe that the other may feel that way
i never thought i'd build a lump in my stomach every time i saw or spoke to you
just so scared in anticipation of the rude things you have to say in response to ANYTHING i comment on or even better, the ever-popular "PSHUHHHHH" exasperated sigh that says "i could seriously give a shit and could be doing something soooo much cooler right now than listen to your boring ass"
i have tried, since the initial attack regarding devin and drugs, to be cordial. i have walked on eggshells every day since then, so scared of losing you because i have become, of all things, annoying to you
i even went with him and robb to surprise you at work. i could NOT believe the reaction i got. never before and never again will i venture to your workplace if i'm to get that response. "Devin!!!!" "Robb!!!!" "oh....hey...miranda..." like i was the LAST person you wanted to see
i bought you that jacket for christmas, assuming that i wouldn't get a gift back. even my mom was like, aren't you two fighting? why are you getting her such a nice jacket? my reply was that i wanted things to get better and i'd hoped it would show that.
but i guess i'm just this selfish, annoying bitch who you hate now. i'd really like not to be. i'd really like you to see that you're not always right and stop being the immature taurus you are by never admitting your faults. but maybe that's just being 17...
i, however, have been doing nothing but apologizing for my actions and attitude throughout this whole thing. that, and avoiding you.
i used to think it was cool the way you could put everyone down and laugh at how lame everyone else was but us. i admired your "i'm fuckin becky and i can fuckin do anything fuckin fuck!" attitude but suddenly, i find it turned on me and it's not so cool.
oh and i LOOOOVED that whole thing where i finally confronted you (via text message, but nonetheless) regarding something that was actually hurting my feelings - that thing you do/did where you said "who cares" after every fucking statement i made. that's really rejuvenating. it makes me feel super confident that i'm even fucking allowed to have a goddamned opinion.
and i finally say something to you, after phrasing what i had to say in the text JUST SO you wouldn't retort with "who cares" and you still did. in response, i asked you nicely to stop saying that and if you really don't care, then say so. but to incinuate that no one gives a shit about what i have to say? well that's just fucking rude. who the hell are you to say something like that? because i'm sure when you rattle off a mile-a-minute oh, every thirty seconds, everyone is paying attention.
but here's the best part! after not only responding with, well fine, I DON'T CARE, you proceeded to write a LIVEJOURNAL entry devoted entirely to how fucking retarded miranda must be for caring about what i say to her. "who. cares. fuck..." right?
no wonder i've been so goddamned scared to talk to you! do you see the series of events that has led us here? please tell me about how horrible my attitude is lately when i haven't spoken more than six words to you in the past six months. please tell me why i sat on the phone with you and tried to console you when you told me the horrible shit sergio had done to you. please tell me one more time about how i can't "suck it up and deal" with you.
so i'm sorry for not wanting your negative energy around while i'm on psychadelics but i sincerely believe that everything would not have "been fine". i would have been just as nervous and scared around your loud obtrusive persona as i've been when i'm sober, but magnified. and believe me, do not doubt for a moment that i haven't shed tears for you. i cried all of halloween night with my boyfriend because of you. didn't go out at all - even ask atticus, he got a direct recap of the conversation. don't doubt for a moment that i ever wanted our relationship to be anything but peachy. i never would have asked for this treatment. not in a million years. but i'd like to think you're worth it, so prove me right.
and here, i'm sorry for everything i've ever done to you.
now let's see if you care