Living Right Is In the Trying
Chapter Ten
Daylight streaming against dingy white blinds woke Dean up the next morning and he yawned, digging into his eyes with the heel of his hand. The inside of the trailer was cool but underneath the blanket and Castiel’s wing was warm, so he snuggled down and checked his watch. Nine-thirty AM-no reason to get out of bed just yet. He glanced to where Castiel was curled against him, his head resting comfortably on Dean’s chest and gently kneaded the base of his wings, smiling when Castiel purred and cuddled closer.
Dean was happy. It was such a little thing to realize but honestly he couldn’t remember the last time he was truly happy. Probably before his mom died when things were easy and he had his whole life to look forward to. With her death came sorrow and responsibility and repressed grief that he was sure he’d ever really get over. Things could have gone so differently if John had just held it together. Though he didn’t blame his dad; well he did but he was smart enough to understand that John had his own demons to face back then. He just hadn’t done a very good job of it.
But things weren’t so terrible. Sam was addicted to being on the straight and narrow now thanks to Ruby and her crazy ass self and they were probably going to be better brothers because of the whole jail thing. There was a chance he could make something out of himself if he tried-community college or something. Of course just getting a nice, good paying job working with his hands would be good too.
None of that had anything to do with why he was happy. Castiel was why he was happy. Castiel had given him something that he had only dreamed of ever having; a true friend. Yeah Sam was his friend and even Rufus was his friend, but with Cas it was so astoundingly different that it rattled his bones. Castiel let him grieve and be stubborn and overly caring. He let him worry and fret before soothing him with calm words. Much of Dean’s life whenever he’d actually said what was on his mind he would be told to just suck it up and move on. Showing anything other than a strong front meant that he was weak. He still for the most part felt that way but he realized that he could probably burst into tears and Castiel would just hold him. Hell he had cried in front of him and that is exactly what Castiel had done.
What the hell does he see in me? What do I really bring into his life?
Cas said he liked him because he was brave and loving. Out of all the things to be ingrained into his brain those were most likely the ones he was most proud of. And he wouldn’t lie; one of the reasons that he felt so protective of Castiel is because of how he acted. The confused tilts of his head and the little furrow between his brows when he didn’t understand something that other people naturally knew; Dean understood that the world was a fucked up place and innocent people like that would be ripped apart, maybe even for fun. Castiel was too good for that kinda shit and Dean was obnoxious enough that he felt he was the only person who could truly shelter Cas from it.
How could he do that though in California? ‘Cause yeah the truth of the matter was he had to leave eventually even if he didn’t want to. He had to make sure Sam was okay and give them an honest chance at repairing their fucked up relationship. That was something that could only be done face to face, not during an hour long phone call where they just updated each other on how their week had gone.
It scared him-much as he hated admitting that even to himself-the thought of leaving Castiel alone. And he wouldn’t even really be alone. Maybe he could visit a lot…
Frowning, he sighed and smoothed his left hand along the wing draped over his body. He scratched at the feathers and brought them closer to his face, rubbing them against his cheeks. They smelled like the heavy air after a rainstorm.
Castiel’s voice startled him when he spoke. “Dean, is something wrong? You’ve become tense.”
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean apologized. “I hadn’t noticed. Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Hm.” Castiel murmured and rubbed his stomach. “What are you thinking about?”
Dean bit his bottom lip. It wasn’t exactly something he wanted to get into. “Just…the future I guess. What’ll happen next week or next month.”
Castiel kissed his shoulder. “You mean when you leave?”
Dean grunted; of course Cas would know precisely what was bothering him. “Yeah.”
“I have been thinking about that since the night we first kissed. Perhaps even before.” Castiel revealed, his voice still sleep soft. “California is such a long distance away and I do not own a celluar phone. I suppose we could write letters once you are settled but they could always get lost in the mail.” Pause. “That is if you would even want to keep in touch with me?”
“Of course I would, man.” Dean said vehemently. “Hell if you want I’ll buy you a phone and keep minutes on it for you so that we can talk. I don’t mind.”
Castiel smiled. “That would be nice. However I think the most prudent action for me to take is to go with you to California. If you asked that of me of course.”
Blinking Dean wondered if he’d heard him wrong. He did still feel sort of sexed out and goofy. “What? Wh-why would you say something like that?”
Castiel rolled his eyes. “Do not be obtuse, Dean. Surely you know why I would say such a thing.” He picked at his own feathers as if shy. “My time with you has been the best of my life and I am not ready for it to end. I am still young and there is still so much more to do. Remember, I said that I wanted all of my firsts to be with you. That cannot happen if we are separated.”
Yes Dean got that and he would be lying if he said it wasn’t what he wanted as well. But a part of it just didn’t make sense. “I know that bird brain I just meant-I dunno! Your whole life is here. Your friends are here. Your job is here. It might not be flashy but it’s comfortable.” He kissed Castiel’s hair. “If you came with me we’d be crashing with my brother for who knows how long until we could get our own place. Not to mention his girlfriend. And we’d need like, regular jobs. I mean I could get one-you wouldn’t have to, I’d support you-but it wouldn’t just happen.”
“How traditional. Well I suppose I do not mind keeping the house in order while you bring home the bacon though I do have quite a few skills. I was home schooled very thoroughly.” Castiel teased lightly, pinching Dean’s side. “The important thing to remember here Dean is that we would be together. I like my life here, yes, but I want to be with you. I want to take care of you like you take care of everyone else. We’d make each other very happy.”
“You already make me happy.” Dean played with his hair, giving the wayward strands a little tug. “I don’t want you to end up regretting your decision and resenting me.”
“I won’t.”
“Cas you don’t know that. Shit happens.”
“So what would you have me do, Dean?”
“Just be happy.”
“And you would be alright with me finding that happiness with someone else after you leave?”
“Uh-huh…”
Castiel lifted his head so that he could look Dean in the eyes. “You would be alright with me sharing this with him?” He gestured to their naked bodies nestled together. “And my wings as well?”
Dean gritted his teeth. No no no no no. “If-if that is what you wanted.”
Castiel shook his head. “I want you. Stop being selfless for my benefit and let me make my own decisions. If you want me with you then I shall be with you.” Sitting up completely, he shook out his wings and stretched them wide open, the very tips brushing against the ceiling. “I appreciate that you are considering my welfare but I am not a child, Dean. Besides if we do find that we cannot make things work between us in California I know you would help me to return here.”
Dean smoothed a hand over his face and then brushed tiny thin feathers off his chest. He would, he so would. “You’re not losing your wings now because I fucked you, right?”
“No!” Castiel laughed and drew them in around his shoulders. “They just got a bit of a work out last night. But leaving them out all night did wonders for my muscles.”
“And me sleeping on one didn’t hurt?” Dean watched them move.
“No.” Castiel inched one forward until it rested under Dean’s chin. “They are stronger than they appear. It felt nice to cradle you while we slept. It is something I would like to do more of.”
Dean snickered and propped up the pillows, leaning back against them. He brought the wing closer and kissed into the smooth feathers, inhaling their so clean smell. “How do you keep these things so freaken white and clean? I haven’t seen you wash them since I’ve been here.”
Touching the finger shaped bruises on his hip with quiet reverence, Castiel grinned. “I can wash them in the shower. I pour shampoo or what have you over them and then let the water rinse it away. I must admit it is a chore but since they hardly get dirty a simple rinse usually does the trick.” Biting his lip and looking up through his long dark lashes, he floated onto Dean’s lap and kissed him.
Dean immediately put his hands on Castiel’s ass and squeezed, pulling him closer. “Feeling frisky?”
Castiel’s cheeks pinked. “Yes. I am sore but perhaps if we go slow…”
“I can do that. Get you nice and slick for me.” Looking down, Dean wrapped a hand around Castiel’s semi hard cock and began to stroke. “You wanna ride me this time?”
“I-yes.” Castiel gasped, arching into the touches. “O-oh that fe-feels good.”
With his free hand Dean reached to the small side table and snatched up the bottle of lube (and another condom) from last night. “Gonna make you feel even better in a bit.” He flipped open the cap and finagled the bottle until it was pouring lube into his palm and across his fingers.
Castiel’s wings beat the air, ruffling the curtains and any scrap of paper that wasn’t held down. Even Dean’s hair moved.
“Dean.” Castiel dropped his head onto Dean’s shoulder as one of his fingers teased Castiel’s hole before slowly pushing inside. He was still wet and loose from last night but Dean took care opening him up anyway, liking the way Castiel swayed between thrusting into his fist and back onto his hand.
The sex was slower, almost lazy with Dean letting Castiel control the speed and the rhythm. He kissed all over Castiel’s neck and shoulders, dipped down to lick his nipples and his favorite freckle, smirking when Castiel’s hips wavered in their smooth steady roll. And then Cas’s wings draped forward and curved around his shoulders surrounding him in a cocoon of heat, and Dean held on to him for as long as he could.
~*~
It was almost noon when Castiel finally left Dean’s trailer to seek out Gabriel. He was freshly showered and fed and bundled in another of Dean’s cotton shirts. As he walked towards the souvenir booth that Gabriel usually haunted he thought about the previous night and could not stop the tiny smile from gracing his lips. He was no longer a virgin. While he didn’t wish to dwell on what a milestone it was, he couldn’t help but sort of understand the importance placed upon the act itself. Perhaps that made him sound like a teenage girl; Gabriel would no doubt say so if he ever found out. However last night he had given himself to someone else completely for the first time ever and it made him feel different.
Physicalities aside of course.
The point was that he had cared about someone and trusted someone enough to partake in sexual congress with them (twice!), and it was a big step. It meant that he had a deeper relationship with Dean even though he was obviously struggling to put his affections into words. But that just made him want Dean even more. His flaws were embedded into him because of a life of being ignored and told to toughen up, yet every little crack in his fixture let all of the love and goodness that he held shine through.
Castiel wanted to prove to him that he was a good person. That while he was busy being selfless to everyone else there was someone out there that wanted to be selfless for him.
It would be odd at first, leaving behind the only real home he’d ever known but he was willing to do it for Dean. It wasn’t always easy but he still managed to have faith most of the time and he could not ignore the voice inside of him saying he’d be so very happy with Dean. That they would have a nice future together. Dean was worried about finances but Castiel wasn’t. He’d been saving since the first day he ever got paid to show his wings. And he was also not worried about ever resenting Dean for not giving him the life he assumed Castiel wanted. As long as Dean continued to care for him and was not unfaithful he did not foresee any future issues.
Humming lightly to himself as he contemplated perhaps attempting to fly again later, he crossed the muddy ground over to the wooden stand to find Gabriel sitting on his stool reading the newspaper. He glanced up when Castiel walked into view and grinned. “Hi Castiel.”
“Hello Gabriel.” Castiel arched a brow. “You seem unusually chipper this afternoon.”
Gabriel shrugged. “What? I can’t be in a good mood?”
Castiel sighed. “Of course you can. I am happy that you are feeling good.”
“How are you feeling?” Gabriel smirked with twinkling eyes. “You know I came by Dean’s trailer last night to tell you that Crowley never actually showed up. But I realized after a few minutes that you were busy.”
Castiel’s expression went blank. “Oh?”
Gabriel laughed. “I love it when you go all stone faced. Yes Cassy I heard you praising Dean’s trouser monkey but there is nothing to be ashamed of. You and Dean shared a beautiful act.” Pause. “So how big was it?”
Oh, Gabriel. “That is none of your concern.”
Gabriel poked him in the shoulder. “Big huh? Good for you! Seriously I’m glad that you’ve found a guy you like.”
“Thank you.” Castiel folded his arms over his chest. “So Crowley did not arrive last night?”
“Nope. We waited but the asshole never showed. Guess he realized with you knowing he was coming that you’d duck out.”
“Maybe. Either way I am relieved. Dean does not like him.”
“No one likes him. I’m pretty sure the guys who work for him don’t like him either.”
“Thank you for keeping a watchful eye out. If I had known he was not going to come by I would have worked.”
“Yeeeah I’m sure you got a work out either way.” Gabriel winked at him. “Especially if those hickeys are any indication. Don’t let Balthazar see those. He might go into a rage at the thought of Dean plucking your precious flower before he could and beat him with a shovel.”
Castiel snorted. “He will do nothing of the sort.” Running a hand through his hair, he stepped closer to the booth and touched the weather beaten wood. “I am not talking about this with you but last night was fantastic. I am happy that I did not listen to you and fornicate just to simply experience the act itself.”
Folding up his paper now that he was done with it, Gabriel made it into a hat. “Hey I was just trying to help you out, bro! Figured if you got plowed you’d loosen up.” He eyed Castiel speculatively. “Still can’t decide if I was right or not.” Shrugging, he sat the paper hat on his head. “Dude! Did you whip out your wings while you and Dean were going at it?”
Castiel blushed and his back twitched. He knew it was a bad idea to engage Gabriel. “I’m leaving now.”
As he turned to head to his own trailer to make sure everything was okay, Gabriel called after him, “I always knew you were a dirty birdy, Cassy! Good for you!”
~*~
Dean’s cell rung as he was driving back from the Roadhouse in Rufus’ truck with several covered platters of food on the large passenger seat foot mats. He dug it out of his pocket and flipped it open, not bothering to check the caller id since the only person who called him was Sam. “Hey Sammy.”
“Hey Dean.” His brother replied. “What’s up? Just thought I would check in. Again.”
Dean smirked. “I’m still alive and kicking, dude. What about you? How’s the nerd stuff?”
Sam chuckled. “Good, it’s good. It’s not easy but I kinda enjoy the challenge. I know I know…I’m a total nerd.” Pause. “Anyway Jessica says hi and um, that’s mostly it. Oh I-I heard from Ruby.”
Dean’s easy mood shriveled in an instant. He had to choke back his first reaction which was to yell at Sam to stay away from that crazy bitch. That would only cause a fight and they’d been doing so well. “Oh? What did she have to say?”
Sam sighed. “Nothing really. She apologized for getting me into trouble. Apparently it’s a part of her program or something. She wanted to do it face to face but I didn’t think that was a good idea. She also wanted to apologize to you but she didn’t know you were out yet, so I told her just leave it on our voicemail and I’d give it to you.”
Interesting. “You buy it?”
“I guess so.” Sam said probably frowning. “I mean I wanna believe that people can change if it’s truly what they want, but I know how messed up Ruby was. Way more so than me. I suppose I hope she was being honest.”
“Yeah.” Dean said thoughtfully. “She was bat shit crazy but I agree with you.”
Sam was quiet for a moment before saying, “So how’s Cas?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “He’s fine. He’s really fine actually.”
“Ah young love.”
“Shut up Sam.”
“After all the times you use to tease me? Hell no! I’m glad you’ve finally found someone that makes you stupid so that I can make fun of you for it. While still being happy for you of course.”
“Bitch.”
“Jerk. Jerk in love.”
Dean slammed on brakes thankful that no one was behind him. Slowly he edged onto the side of the road and cut the engine. “I’m not in love.”
Sam cleared his throat. “Dean, do not freak out okay? There is nothing wrong with having feelings for someone. Don’t let my teasing make you do something stupid.”
It was funny how well Sam knew him even though they weren’t as close as they used to be. It would be so easy for him to freak the fuck out and go back to the Menagerie and push Castiel away. Well maybe not easy but it was his usual defensive mechanism when he felt things were getting too deep. “What do you know? I’ve only known the guy like a month and some change.”
Sam snickered. “So? You’re talking to someone who believes in love at first sight. A month is like a marriage.”
My brother, the idiot. “Jesus Samantha take the braids outta your hair.” Laughing, he fiddled with the knob on the gearshift. “You know I’m gonna be coming out to stay with you soon. I’ve learned some cooking tricks so you and Jess won’t have to live off noodles anymore.”
“That sounds great, man.” Sam replied cheerfully. “Uh you could bring Castiel if you wanted-not saying that you do. We just-well we have the room. I mean assuming you guys would share and stuff. The house is old but it’s nice.”
“I might do that.” Dean muttered noncommittally. He could just see the face that Sam was most likely making; all soft puppy dog eyes and gentle smile.
“That would be great!” His brother exclaimed. “I’ll make sure Jessica gets extra towels and sheets and soaps-”
“You do that.” Dean interrupted with a snort. “Anyway I’ll talk to you later, Sam. I gotta get this food back.”
“Okay. Stay safe Dean.” Sam mused. “Tell Castiel I said hello.”
Dean murmured under his breath and hung up, slouching back to the seat. He stared out of the window at the deserted road and tried to quiet the voice in the back of his mind telling him it was stupid to stay latched onto Castiel. That the best thing he could do for him before he found himself needing him even more was to just split. Pack up in the middle of the night and leave. He’d be hurt but he’d get over it. Balthazar would be there to pick up the pieces and they would probably be a better fit. All he had to do was step aside. He could do it; he’d done it before.
This was just the first time he really, really didn’t want to. And if he did Sam would never let him live it down anyway.
Stop it, he chastised himself. Cas told you to stop making decisions for him. He’d be pissed if he knew you were thinking about ditching him. Again. And this time without a word.
Starting up the engine he eased the truck into gear and continued back to the fair grounds.
Castiel said that he deserved nice things. That it was okay for him to want things and get thing. Throughout the years he’d wanted several things from a normal family life to just finishing high school but they hadn’t been in the cards for him. So far there was nothing to prove that Castiel wasn’t though. The only thing that could fuck up what he was building with Castiel would be him unless he tried hard for otherwise.
Maybe it was time he started devoting as much time and care to his own life as he did to everyone else’s.
Upon arriving back to the grounds, he parked and climbed out of the truck. Gabriel and Jake met him as he was walking around to the passenger side, and he gave each of them two platters to carry.
“Thanks for going pick up the food, stud.” Gabriel elbowed him in the side. “I’ll make sure to give Cassy a second helping so that he keeps his strength up for your nighttime activities.”
Dean narrowed his brows. “Does anyone around here ever mind their own damn business?”
Jake shook his head. “Nope. We’re a nosy family.” He flashed a grin and headed over to a long picnic table. “Plus Gabriel said you guys were loud as hell.”
Gabriel balked. “Lies! I said you were conducting some type of prayer service and that Castiel felt the spirit so strongly he started speaking in tongues.”
Dean laughed before he could stop himself. “Fuck. Cut Cas some slack, okay? You don’t wanna give him a complex and make him start being quiet all the time.”
“If it hasn’t happened yet I suppose it shall never happen.” Castiel said as he walked up, ignoring Gabriel’s snickers to kiss Dean on the cheek. “How are Joanna and Ellen?”
Dean squeezed his wrist. “You’re cute when you’re jealous. They’ve both good by the way. They might stop by later or whatever.”
Castiel nodded. “Hm. I should steel myself to more ribbing then if Gabriel tells them about what transpired between us last night.”
“If he tries to open his big mouth I’ll shove a potato in it.” Dean replied, more serious than he let on. “They shouldn’t be messing with you.”
“It is not malicious, Dean.” Castiel assured him. “Gabriel has made fun of me since the day we met. It is how he shows he cares.”
Making a face, Dean reached up and rubbed the back of Cas’ neck. “And shoving a potato in his mouth is how I’ll show I care.”
Castiel chuckled, his lashes fluttering as he leaned into the touch. “If that is what you wish to do I shall not stop you.” A beat. “I will be showing tonight if you wish to join me. Balthazar will be there as well.”
Dean looked him over slowly and grunted. “Not sure I’ll be able to keep my hands off you when you whip out your wings. Wouldn’t wanna scare the kiddies by mounting you right then and there.”
“Do you really find me so irresistible?”
“Fuck yeah. I’d bend you over this truck right now if we were alone.”
“Per-perhaps we should visit that meadow again for privacy tomorrow night. But in your car, not the truck.”
Dean growled and stepped closer, crowding Castiel against Rufus’ truck. “Fuck yes. Though-and I can’t believe I’m saying this-maybe we’ll just fool around. I don’t wanna break you or anything.”
Castiel’s eyes were dazed with lust. “What constitutes fooling around?”
Dean grinned, nuzzling his neck, inhaling the smell of his skin. He could smell himself all over Castiel and he wasn’t sure why but he liked it. “It can be anything we want. Making out and touching each other ya know? I can spread you out on my baby’s leather seats and lick you open.”
Castiel’s knees shook and he grabbed Dean’s waist to steady himself. “I-that sounds acceptable.”
Dean laughed softly. “I thought it might.”
The sound of a vehicle approaching pulled them both out of their desire-filled bubble to see a black stretch limo roll up and park in the driveway. When the driver climbed out to open the back door Dean frowned. He was half tempted to push Castiel into Rufus’s truck and just take off. Neither of them were in the mood for any bullshit. And from the looks on Gabriel and Balthazar’s faces neither were they.
Crowley exited the back with a smug expression and was flanked by five suit wearing dudes; like he was the President or something. He glanced around and grinned. “Hello darlings. Miss me?”
Chapter Eleven