Worrying about ...
Worry. Its an emotion that brings with it such complication as to leave your life a mess, driving wedges and doubts where they needn't ever be any. It leaves you twisted into knots that you can never quite find the edges of, never sure what is true and what is just there in your imagination. I worry about a lot of things, often they're small, sometimes they're big, but they all leave me a bit of a wreak. And it all stems from stuff that should no longer matter.
We've all had it happen to us at least once, sometimes worse than others. There is that person or persons that you are close to, that have earned your trust and have broken down all the barriers you've put up to keep you from being hurt. Everything is going well, things are great and it all makes sense, and though you may believe them to be better than they actually are, it doesn't matter because the person they are seems to be the person you believe them to be. And then, out of blue for you, but with everyone else saying they saw it coming, it changes.
And suddenly the world is seen in a different light. The things you thought were set in stone don't seem so obvious and permanent. Every little action carries a hidden meaning that you need to decipher and those instincts you want to trust seem so stupid and useless. Friends are watched closely and paranoia runs rampant. Your entire life seems to fall apart at your feet and you not quite sure why, but is what it is and now you have to try and put it back together.
For me, this happened a few years ago, leading me to lose my faith in pretty much everything and everyone. Ever since I have tried to find that point in myself that allows me to trust without suspicion, and to open up without holding back. Its been a long road and in some ways I am still near the beginning, still struggling over those first few hurdles, but I hope I am improving, especially now as I try my utmost to put the events that caused it all behind me.
But in that journey to get there I have developed a few bad habits. I try and control the situations I'm in by knowing everything that is going on around me, often poking my nose where it doesn't belong. I also withdraw when I think others don't want me around, even if that isn't the case but just a feeling. Too often I encounter someone in a bad mood and almost disappear for long periods because of that fear that I will hurt my relationship if I'm around, often hurting it because I'm not. And then there is the simple inability of mine to visit, because I never wish to intrude. I don't ever want to be the person that people don't want around because they're always there. Its stupid and lame, but its always the way I feel.
So, I apologize to all those that may take offense by my actions, or feel I'm avoiding bu inaction. This piece is as much a worry about what is observed as a worry about what is happening. It is so often my natural state that often I don't quite realize why. I wish I could return to that carefree point where only the now existed and never the what if or possible. One day it may be mine again, but until then the uncertainty will just have to keep slicing away until it no longer has a raw patch to rub against.
We've all had it happen to us at least once, sometimes worse than others. There is that person or persons that you are close to, that have earned your trust and have broken down all the barriers you've put up to keep you from being hurt. Everything is going well, things are great and it all makes sense, and though you may believe them to be better than they actually are, it doesn't matter because the person they are seems to be the person you believe them to be. And then, out of blue for you, but with everyone else saying they saw it coming, it changes.
And suddenly the world is seen in a different light. The things you thought were set in stone don't seem so obvious and permanent. Every little action carries a hidden meaning that you need to decipher and those instincts you want to trust seem so stupid and useless. Friends are watched closely and paranoia runs rampant. Your entire life seems to fall apart at your feet and you not quite sure why, but is what it is and now you have to try and put it back together.
For me, this happened a few years ago, leading me to lose my faith in pretty much everything and everyone. Ever since I have tried to find that point in myself that allows me to trust without suspicion, and to open up without holding back. Its been a long road and in some ways I am still near the beginning, still struggling over those first few hurdles, but I hope I am improving, especially now as I try my utmost to put the events that caused it all behind me.
But in that journey to get there I have developed a few bad habits. I try and control the situations I'm in by knowing everything that is going on around me, often poking my nose where it doesn't belong. I also withdraw when I think others don't want me around, even if that isn't the case but just a feeling. Too often I encounter someone in a bad mood and almost disappear for long periods because of that fear that I will hurt my relationship if I'm around, often hurting it because I'm not. And then there is the simple inability of mine to visit, because I never wish to intrude. I don't ever want to be the person that people don't want around because they're always there. Its stupid and lame, but its always the way I feel.
So, I apologize to all those that may take offense by my actions, or feel I'm avoiding bu inaction. This piece is as much a worry about what is observed as a worry about what is happening. It is so often my natural state that often I don't quite realize why. I wish I could return to that carefree point where only the now existed and never the what if or possible. One day it may be mine again, but until then the uncertainty will just have to keep slicing away until it no longer has a raw patch to rub against.