Anger ...
For those that know me, it should be pretty obvious the anger is one emotion that I very rarely indulge in. I usually feel that it is the emotion of last resort, when every other avenue has been exhausted and there is nothing you can do to calm the situation. And I always feel bad about it, because so often it comes from a misplaced cue and is often misdirected. But sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it and all you can do is revel in it till it fades.
This weekend has found me angrier than I've been in a very long time. In some cases and in certain ways this anger may be misdirected, but I know that this needed to happen or else I would have been far worse than it is right now. And that would result in something that I don't want to consider. To a large extent though, this is triggered by me being honest about my feelings and being willing to talk about them. Its funny how something that is theoretically good for you can result in so much suffering. I just hope I can get through this without shredding too much around me.
But now on to why I actually chose to write this. I wanted to look at the beast and examine what it is to me. Anger falls into two categories. The first is that surge you feel, the one that breaks over you like a tidal wave when you encounter a person or situation that just raises your hackles to point that you want to lash out and rip into someone. This is the one that results in things being said that you don't mean, producing shouting matches that can be heard in Siberia and sometimes lead to violence. The inner turmoil just boils out and overwhelms the senses, resulting in a red sea that you can't help but dive into. The only good part to this whole situation is that so often it burns out quickly, leaving a lot of people hurt, but with repairs that can be made and bones that can be mended. Unfortunately, in some ways, this is not my normal reaction.
The second type of anger, and the one I usually fall prey to, is the slow, churning form. The type that slithers around in your belly before slowly curling up and around you, filling you with it and engulfing every fiber until you cannot contain it. Because it starts so slowly and takes so long, you sometimes don't notice it at first. Which is why when it huts, it feels so much worse. It leads to slow, methodical, considered actions, which so often result in irreparable damage. Its a grudge that twists you up inside, leading you to delve deep for the things that really piss you off and which you never thought you would need to dredge up. Too often words get said here that are meant and cut far deeper than they need to, but it also shows honesty that is very often buried.
I'm pretty sure that neither of the people that have provoked my anger this weekend will read this. If they do, then I apologize here for what I do or say in the days and weeks to come. Know that you're seeing the truth, but that I am only saying it because anything else would result in only worse. I am tired of sitting on the side lines and hiding from the storm. Because it always hits and builds only bigger with every passing moment that you linger.
This weekend has found me angrier than I've been in a very long time. In some cases and in certain ways this anger may be misdirected, but I know that this needed to happen or else I would have been far worse than it is right now. And that would result in something that I don't want to consider. To a large extent though, this is triggered by me being honest about my feelings and being willing to talk about them. Its funny how something that is theoretically good for you can result in so much suffering. I just hope I can get through this without shredding too much around me.
But now on to why I actually chose to write this. I wanted to look at the beast and examine what it is to me. Anger falls into two categories. The first is that surge you feel, the one that breaks over you like a tidal wave when you encounter a person or situation that just raises your hackles to point that you want to lash out and rip into someone. This is the one that results in things being said that you don't mean, producing shouting matches that can be heard in Siberia and sometimes lead to violence. The inner turmoil just boils out and overwhelms the senses, resulting in a red sea that you can't help but dive into. The only good part to this whole situation is that so often it burns out quickly, leaving a lot of people hurt, but with repairs that can be made and bones that can be mended. Unfortunately, in some ways, this is not my normal reaction.
The second type of anger, and the one I usually fall prey to, is the slow, churning form. The type that slithers around in your belly before slowly curling up and around you, filling you with it and engulfing every fiber until you cannot contain it. Because it starts so slowly and takes so long, you sometimes don't notice it at first. Which is why when it huts, it feels so much worse. It leads to slow, methodical, considered actions, which so often result in irreparable damage. Its a grudge that twists you up inside, leading you to delve deep for the things that really piss you off and which you never thought you would need to dredge up. Too often words get said here that are meant and cut far deeper than they need to, but it also shows honesty that is very often buried.
I'm pretty sure that neither of the people that have provoked my anger this weekend will read this. If they do, then I apologize here for what I do or say in the days and weeks to come. Know that you're seeing the truth, but that I am only saying it because anything else would result in only worse. I am tired of sitting on the side lines and hiding from the storm. Because it always hits and builds only bigger with every passing moment that you linger.