2011 1st post? Why the hell not.
Things I have been thinking about recently:
1) I hate my hair. Every time I think about it for more than 3.25 seconds, I want to jump off a bridge. Every time my mom comments on it, I want to throw us both off a bridge. I hate it, I hate it I hate it and no matter what anyone says, I wish it was straight. I wish it was straight more than almost anything I have ever wished for, ever. I absolutely hate it and I swear, I cry over my godforsaken hair at least once a week because I hate it so so so goddamned much. I hate it.
2) It's hardly setting in that I'm not in school anymore. I think about how it's this break or that test time, and how the students I work with have to deal with their school schedules AND their work schedules, and I remember doing the same, but I guess I'm not very good with change even mentally. It doesn't help that I work the same place I worked during school and I still work AT SCHOOL.
a) I'm really thinking hard about going to grad school. If I'm going to try to go this fall, I need to apply by February. I'm not sure if I'm going to let that deadline pass or not. I'm afraid, as usual, that I'm not good enough to get in. Several people have expressed their faith that of course I can get in, as long as I actually try to do so, but I, as usual, have that large nagging doubt that somewhat paralyzes me. I'm going to have to decide what I'm doing and fast. I may just wait until the next cycle of applications. I think to start next January I need to apply by July. That would give me more time to contact professors and get all my stuff together, but do I really need all that time? On the other hand, who's to say I DON'T need all that time? I'm barely transitioning as it is, and maybe more time AWAY from school before charging headlong back in is a good thing. Also, do I really WANT to go back to school?? I love reading, I love talking about the stuff I read, but I stick absolutely fucking hate papers, and more importantly, deadlines. Large projects are only fun in a completely perverse way, as I seem to find some kind of perverse pleasure in freaking myself out and not getting shit done. Then again, if I scramble through the classes bit, I'll have a lot more time to futz around with the thesis bit. I already have an idea for a thesis. Again, I never know whether it is better to give myself more or less time to think about, and therefore semi-deliberately fuck up, something.
b) I like my job. It is mostly chill, I get to work with people I know and like, it's very familiar, people already know, for the most part, who I am and how goddamned awesome I am. know it's not a forever job, but it's an okay transition into the "real" world, even though it is definitely buffering me from the world outside of SF State University. But I tried having a job outside and it sucked hard, so there. Anyway, like I said, it's not a forever job, but, to tie back up to (a), it'll help my postgraduate degree cost just about zilch - and seriously, that's tied with the top reason to freaking go to grad school; it'll be so fucking cheap that I should be shot for not trying. Seriously. Shot.
3) I am taking myself to Disneyland for my birthday this year. Yes I am going to be 25, and yes Disneyland IS the place I picked to go for my 25th birthday. Why? 1) I fucking love Disney and all of its Lands, and b) because I can, so shut the hell up. I'm taking my best friend Amber with me. Taking, as in, paying for. Because I want to. It's kind of her present for the year, to be fair, but I'm still doing it. I'm going to meet Princess Tiana, and get her autograph. Even though Mulan is still my #1 fave Disney character, and even though I really try to stay above race things, Tiana is my favorite Princess simply by virtue of looking like me. It probably shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. It just is. Part of me is still all my younger selves who wished that a Princess was brown like them. So, the first thing I'm going to do is ride Pirates of the Caribbean, then I'm going to exit into New Orleans Square and find me that damned black Princess. I don't care how much of a freak my 25-year-old ass might look like doing so. But first I have to sort out all the boring bits: saving money (boo), asking for the days off from work (damn being grown up), booking a hotel and possibly airplane (although, really, for two people, would it cost less to drive??). But I'm going to do it, dammit. Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee (in 5 months and a week).
Okay, bored now. Maybe I'll actually post more than 3 times this year? Maybe.
1) I hate my hair. Every time I think about it for more than 3.25 seconds, I want to jump off a bridge. Every time my mom comments on it, I want to throw us both off a bridge. I hate it, I hate it I hate it and no matter what anyone says, I wish it was straight. I wish it was straight more than almost anything I have ever wished for, ever. I absolutely hate it and I swear, I cry over my godforsaken hair at least once a week because I hate it so so so goddamned much. I hate it.
2) It's hardly setting in that I'm not in school anymore. I think about how it's this break or that test time, and how the students I work with have to deal with their school schedules AND their work schedules, and I remember doing the same, but I guess I'm not very good with change even mentally. It doesn't help that I work the same place I worked during school and I still work AT SCHOOL.
a) I'm really thinking hard about going to grad school. If I'm going to try to go this fall, I need to apply by February. I'm not sure if I'm going to let that deadline pass or not. I'm afraid, as usual, that I'm not good enough to get in. Several people have expressed their faith that of course I can get in, as long as I actually try to do so, but I, as usual, have that large nagging doubt that somewhat paralyzes me. I'm going to have to decide what I'm doing and fast. I may just wait until the next cycle of applications. I think to start next January I need to apply by July. That would give me more time to contact professors and get all my stuff together, but do I really need all that time? On the other hand, who's to say I DON'T need all that time? I'm barely transitioning as it is, and maybe more time AWAY from school before charging headlong back in is a good thing. Also, do I really WANT to go back to school?? I love reading, I love talking about the stuff I read, but I stick absolutely fucking hate papers, and more importantly, deadlines. Large projects are only fun in a completely perverse way, as I seem to find some kind of perverse pleasure in freaking myself out and not getting shit done. Then again, if I scramble through the classes bit, I'll have a lot more time to futz around with the thesis bit. I already have an idea for a thesis. Again, I never know whether it is better to give myself more or less time to think about, and therefore semi-deliberately fuck up, something.
b) I like my job. It is mostly chill, I get to work with people I know and like, it's very familiar, people already know, for the most part, who I am and how goddamned awesome I am. know it's not a forever job, but it's an okay transition into the "real" world, even though it is definitely buffering me from the world outside of SF State University. But I tried having a job outside and it sucked hard, so there. Anyway, like I said, it's not a forever job, but, to tie back up to (a), it'll help my postgraduate degree cost just about zilch - and seriously, that's tied with the top reason to freaking go to grad school; it'll be so fucking cheap that I should be shot for not trying. Seriously. Shot.
3) I am taking myself to Disneyland for my birthday this year. Yes I am going to be 25, and yes Disneyland IS the place I picked to go for my 25th birthday. Why? 1) I fucking love Disney and all of its Lands, and b) because I can, so shut the hell up. I'm taking my best friend Amber with me. Taking, as in, paying for. Because I want to. It's kind of her present for the year, to be fair, but I'm still doing it. I'm going to meet Princess Tiana, and get her autograph. Even though Mulan is still my #1 fave Disney character, and even though I really try to stay above race things, Tiana is my favorite Princess simply by virtue of looking like me. It probably shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. It just is. Part of me is still all my younger selves who wished that a Princess was brown like them. So, the first thing I'm going to do is ride Pirates of the Caribbean, then I'm going to exit into New Orleans Square and find me that damned black Princess. I don't care how much of a freak my 25-year-old ass might look like doing so. But first I have to sort out all the boring bits: saving money (boo), asking for the days off from work (damn being grown up), booking a hotel and possibly airplane (although, really, for two people, would it cost less to drive??). But I'm going to do it, dammit. Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee (in 5 months and a week).
Okay, bored now. Maybe I'll actually post more than 3 times this year? Maybe.