Anniversaries
I should be sleeping but I've had a funny old weekend. I realised on Friday that it was going to be our wedding anniversary on Monday. I texted Paul. We had both kind of forgotten. Sunday which is still kind of today because I haven't gone to sleep yet is the anniversary of James' death. These 2 days are so bittersweet now. Part of me thinks the fact that I forget our anniversary is because I am trying to remember James. I don't want to let this day pass without the recognition of the loss that it holds for me. And so our wedding anniversary feels tainted with this sadness. Not really what I am sure James would want since he so much enjoyed a good wedding and loved love. But it is what it is. It seems in the last 2 years, Paul and I have transferred the celebrations to valentines day. We put a lot if effort into celebrating it and I wonder if we have done that consciously or if it just by chance. I wonder if the marker of our wedding isn't as strong because it wasn't really the start of our lives together but more of party where we happened to get married. I loved that our wedding was our own. I loved sharing the day with our friends, I like looking at the photos and seeing how happy people are. I can see James in those photos. Dressed stylishly in a hat, hiding from the sun with others who avoided the heat.
I miss him. Over the last week, I have reread old livejournal posts, Facebook updates and looked at old photos. I have thought about where I am today and how he has been such a part of who am I and where I am now. But there are no fresh memories. It is all past tense. I wish that we could have had more time. I wish I had seen him more often. I wish we had got to the beach together that last summer. I wish him to still be the last one at the party chatting about the bigger stuff.
So tonight I will have a cry. I will lament the loss and I will take some time to remember. Then I will think of how lucky I was to have had the chance to have James in my life life so briefly and I will celebrate. I will love, I will dance, I will continue the adventure even if it breaks my heart sometimes because that is what living is all about.