30th and 31st

Oct 31, 2008 16:01

Oct 30th
and I wanted to leave early so I could stop at denny’s and use wireless to update my lj and what not and low and behold my car didn’t start. I thought maybe it was too cold and I had no one to call anyway to I waited around 10 it was much warmer, the frost was gone and I tried and this time didn’t get close battery just fucked I guess. This wouldn’t be a big deal except that my hood doesn’t really open well the wire or latch or something is wrong and needs to be replaced so I cat open the hood to jump it without someones help plus someone to jump it afterwards. Matt’s stepdad came home around 10:30 I told him the deal and that I’ve been intermittently going out and trying to get it open and instead of offering to help he says “well just keep at it” and sits down to watch tv for an hour before going to sleep. Its now 2pm almost and nothing. I texted brett, his wheel bearing finally went out so his car isn’t driveable either and then I texted Michael because I heard him say he had downtime between class and work to Cynthia yesterday and hes finally on his way and hes a good deal stronger than me so hopefully we can get this show on the road even if there’s no use in me going to work today atleast I’ll have a car back and a whole 9 hours of work this week to get paid for.
How long can things keep going wrong? At some point it does have to stop right? Im doing everything I can to keep trying and pushing against everything that’s kept falling apart for me and things like this make it so fucking difficult to keep on track. Things went wrong before too but it never was as many or as major and I always had brittny to curl up with and as lame as it sounds that kind of thing does help. I basically lived there after my wreck and got things sorted out and when I’d get too upset or pissed she’d calm me down and make things better and having someone else takes some of the stress off also. She would have done anything for me to help me and its tough finding people now even willing to come over for 20 minutes and try to get my hood open. Jen did offer but like she said shes probably not stronger than me and would just waste her time.
I worry that I would come off as pathetic or weak or whatever other negative terms that could fit but honestly is it not enough to have to deal with losing someone you loved for years let alone losing both places to live, not getting the hours you need at work to afford another place to live and then fucking car breaking and taking more time and more hours away from work? Is this karama catching up with me now that I realize how shitty I was? I would think it would be karma enough for the fact that she falls out of love with me and I finally realize how much i love her and how much I want her but apparently there are a few more things before karma is satisfied. More trials and tribulations with no guaranteed positive outcome even if I do it all perfectly. Even if ig et all my certificates it cant gauruntee a job lots of people have those same certificates, even getting this house doesn’t mean I can afford it I just have to have it and even though I’ll give brittny anything she wants and do everything I can to show her im not the person I was I still have to wait for her to get tired of keith (if it ever happens) to see if I have any chance with her. I could do it all right and still never win but I certainly wont win if I don’t try. I have to get up everyday despite everything and keep doing this and hope it can pay off. Hope I can get lucky and find a better job, hope this house deal works out despite the commute and hope that brittny can see something in me and rekindle what she used to feel so strongly. Hope was never something I was big on because it allows for a lot of let downs but sometimes hope is all you have and you’ll have to do with it what you can. What I always lacked that im working on gaining is determination. And I deinfitely have that for brittny I am determined to do everything I can to get her and keep her because as I see it if we have a future that is most important and determined to get my certifications and get the qualifications for a decent job that can pay me what I deserve and determined to keep going in positive motion as far as self improvement toward people I care about and Michaels here break time.

I don’t remember where I was last night but now it’s the next day im back at matts alone and presume I’ll be here all night since my car is broken and I don’t know what to do. I talked to brittny a lot today about a lot of things, keith, james, donny, us. Like ive been saying all along it doesn’t look very good for me but Im pretty sure I do have the strength to keep going when she inevitably starts dating keith which she will if he asks her as shes not told me. That pretty much would make it the end of the run for me. In turn with my new self im trying to be I would not try ery hard to get her away from keith and back to me out of respect for him. I don’t want to ram myself in the middle of them and still be asking her to do things I mean if she was with me she couldn’t do things with keith why would I try to force them apart with putting myself in the mix? Maybe he is better and she deserves him and maybe hes not and if they are together she will find out. I’ll still be accessable Im sure we can still chat on aim or what not I just wont be pushing into her life if she wants me she’ll have to come get me but I think I’ll be around. Whe I say I love her I mean it purely and honestly which also means no actions of hers will change it and make me stop despite fucking kither, falling for keith, dating or loving keith it doesn’t affect my head and how I feel. I know I can move on but id rather not im a big fan of brittny and im not alone in that. I used to be back in the day because she was shy and kept to herself and held herself negatively shes not really any of those now and has grown into really an amazing woman who knows what shes doing as well as anyone else and im fucking proud of her. I’ve had a chance with a couple amazing people in my life and ones dead and one left the first wasn’t my fault the second was. What do you think my odds are of a third? Guess have to keep looking.
One thing that’s made me so hopeless if it comes to having to find someone else is every important person in my life has come from the internet, as lame as that sounds to non computer geeks. Mandah my 2 ½ year relationship came from a site called laundro I used to live at. People I was close to before her came from some old school aol chat rooms abck in 3.0 days of aol. Minah of all places came from neopets. Brittny came from myspace. I also used ot have a lot of friends from the alkaline trio website I owned. I don’t go to any of those anymore and I don’t know how to find someone new. I cant do it offline I don’t connect well in person my true personality doesn’t show in person but for some reason people can love me if they talk to me on aim. I don’t know exactly what it is but its proven for last 10 years I’ve made no close connections in person and more than I can count online. I’ve been absent from internet world so long no one in these places remembers me or cares.
Mandah, my engaged ex, just texted to ask if id be at awfuls tonight I was actually planning on it but since I have no car I assume I’ll sit in my room at matts alone all night. Fun times eh? or I can let Michael pick me up again later and do whatever he does.
Well getting car towed to sean’s dad’s shop. Sean lives with brittny and his dad hopefully will take care of me he will be in tomorrow to look at it I wrote a whole page of shit wrong with it and asked that he do what he can on Saturday but I do need it asap because I work Sunday and anything left I can bring it back another time. I don’t think should be too hard to diagnose not starting like a computer not cutting on not a lot of choices so not a time taking fix. The others would be both heat shields, either removed or welded so they don’t rattle, the hood issues either new wire or fix the latch whatever is keeping ti stuck and then a full check to see why check engine light is on or if any more hidden problems.
I’d kind of like to go downtown and see mandah in her little mafia costume maybe I’ll go with Michael for a bit since hes the only person who will give me any rides and hang out. Brittny was smoking hot in her pirate costume, keith is a lucky mother fucker. Considering shes willing to date him if he askes her out I wonder how long she will sit in limbo because it doesn’t seem that hes to keen on committing. Hopefully not three years. or maybe shes reformed him and he will ask her out and they will live happily ever after or he will and the title will scare one of them and they wont last a month who knows but im starting to let go more and just hope she can be happy and that I can too one day. I know now that I cant “win” her back. Shes focused on keith right now and no matter what I do shes not looking my direction. I don’t plan to disappear or any of the immature stupid shit I would have pulled before trying to trick her into keeping me. I’ll be around and accessible if she ever wants or needs me no matter what happens.
I’ll stil love her, I’ll still miss her and in my head she will still be my brittny but I cant change or stop those so I’ll deal with them and over time it will get easier and who knows she may show back up in my life as a role closer to what I like one day. If they don’t end up dating id stil like to see her some and talk, maybe movie and such but I know since shes willing to be with him exclusively that whatever I do wont matter, it’s just something to do.

I loved this band so much back in the day and I was listening to them in free time and had forgotten about this song…great song.

Lit - Zip-Lock

I've been stealing
Time where I can get it from
I've been losing
Grip on what I used to hold
If I could get another chance
I'd put it in a ziploc bag
And keep it in my pocket
Keep it in my pocket
Keep it in my pocket
Tell me
When I start to blow it
Would you show me
What I need to do
Before you hate me
I could never live with that so
Tell me
Before you're better off without me
I've been watching you
Sleeping with a troubled look
I'm sure your bad dreams
Are probably all about me
And better off without me
If I could get another chance
I'd put it in a ziploc bag
And keep it in my pocket
Keep it in my pocket
Keep it in my pocket
Tell me
When I start to blow it
Would you show me
What I need to do
Before you hate me
I could never live with that so
Tell me
Before you're better off without me

I never liked maroon 5 much but the cd this is on is good as is this song.

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending every day
out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along(yeeah)
My heart is full and my doors always open
You can come anytime you want(yeah!)

I don't mind spending every day
out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me catch her every time she falls(yeeahh)

Tap on my window,
Knock on my door
I wanna make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look at the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she Will be loved

(Tried so hard to say goodbye)

I dont mind spending everyday ( Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)
out on your corner in the pouring rain (Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)
(fades out)
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