(no subject)
I've never posted here because I've never really felt a need.
But, I do now. I need to share the pain and worry I am feeling with someone, and with everything that is going on with my friends, I really don't have anyone anymore.
Mi is not good. His room is bare. All his posters, CDs, pictures, everything bright and happy that he loves, he's packed away. The past couple of days, he's done nothing but run. He runs until his legs give out. Then, he studies. He doesn't sleep much, he doesn't eat enough. He claims he has no appetite. When I ask him if he wants to talk, he smiles at me, in the most hollow way I've ever seen a person smile, and he says there is nothing wrong. He claims it was just time he started growing up and he's running because soccer is starting very soon and he became out of shape over the winter.
I saw he was on this site. He read that part of his boyfriend, Hyun-ki, is dead, literally. Marcus is dead to him, Hyun-ki is dying and he feels like the only thing he can do is break up with Quinn to make things right. I am afraid because I know if he does this, he will never, ever be the same person. If he leaves Quinn, his soul will lose every spark of happiness that makes him the person he is. The same thing would happen if he left Hyun-ki.
The thing that scares me the most is I feel something great in him is slipping through my fingers and I can't stop it. I can hold him when I find him crying (in a way that he cannot see) but I can't hold onto that thing. I can't stop his optimism from slipping away, and that's what I see happening.
He always believed in honestly, love and that things will always work out in the end if you try hard enough. Now, I've caught him lying more than once. Yoshi has called him on Skype several times now and he won't pick up, even though he loves him like a brother. He keeps telling me to tell Yoshi to "fuck off". I won't, I know that's not what he really wants. At least, I am hoping it's not what he really wants.
He will put on a face sometime soon, shave for the first time in a couple of days, dress, do all those things that he is supposed to do, and pretend to smile. He'll go visit Hyun-ki and pretend that nothing is wrong. That he is fine and happy and everything is perfect.
I'm so afraid that we will lose him, not in the same way Yuki fears for Hyun-ki, of course. I guess I can be blamed some too. I thought that because he was so old, his soul, I mean - because he was so close to being free of the rebirth cycle - that he would be able to handle these things. I wasn't there enough for him. I let him convince me to move out. I shouldn't have done that. I'm considering returning to the spiritual realm. If I am not flesh, I won't have the temptations that led me from Mi.
Regardless, what Mi needed after saying goodbye to Marcus was someone to hold him and kiss him and make him feel safe. But he fell asleep alone, crying. He is always forced to be the strong one. Maybe that is why he is having this meltdown now. So much rests on his shoulders and no one is helping him. I try to shelter him from the weight but, there is only so much I can do. Everyone expects so much from him. I'm not going to say much more because I think I would regret it if I did.
Quinn talks about bringing Mi back to London with him. I wonder if it wouldn't be that bad of an idea. For Mi, it would be good. But, in the same breath, it would be awful for Hyun-ki.
But, I do now. I need to share the pain and worry I am feeling with someone, and with everything that is going on with my friends, I really don't have anyone anymore.
Mi is not good. His room is bare. All his posters, CDs, pictures, everything bright and happy that he loves, he's packed away. The past couple of days, he's done nothing but run. He runs until his legs give out. Then, he studies. He doesn't sleep much, he doesn't eat enough. He claims he has no appetite. When I ask him if he wants to talk, he smiles at me, in the most hollow way I've ever seen a person smile, and he says there is nothing wrong. He claims it was just time he started growing up and he's running because soccer is starting very soon and he became out of shape over the winter.
I saw he was on this site. He read that part of his boyfriend, Hyun-ki, is dead, literally. Marcus is dead to him, Hyun-ki is dying and he feels like the only thing he can do is break up with Quinn to make things right. I am afraid because I know if he does this, he will never, ever be the same person. If he leaves Quinn, his soul will lose every spark of happiness that makes him the person he is. The same thing would happen if he left Hyun-ki.
The thing that scares me the most is I feel something great in him is slipping through my fingers and I can't stop it. I can hold him when I find him crying (in a way that he cannot see) but I can't hold onto that thing. I can't stop his optimism from slipping away, and that's what I see happening.
He always believed in honestly, love and that things will always work out in the end if you try hard enough. Now, I've caught him lying more than once. Yoshi has called him on Skype several times now and he won't pick up, even though he loves him like a brother. He keeps telling me to tell Yoshi to "fuck off". I won't, I know that's not what he really wants. At least, I am hoping it's not what he really wants.
He will put on a face sometime soon, shave for the first time in a couple of days, dress, do all those things that he is supposed to do, and pretend to smile. He'll go visit Hyun-ki and pretend that nothing is wrong. That he is fine and happy and everything is perfect.
I'm so afraid that we will lose him, not in the same way Yuki fears for Hyun-ki, of course. I guess I can be blamed some too. I thought that because he was so old, his soul, I mean - because he was so close to being free of the rebirth cycle - that he would be able to handle these things. I wasn't there enough for him. I let him convince me to move out. I shouldn't have done that. I'm considering returning to the spiritual realm. If I am not flesh, I won't have the temptations that led me from Mi.
Regardless, what Mi needed after saying goodbye to Marcus was someone to hold him and kiss him and make him feel safe. But he fell asleep alone, crying. He is always forced to be the strong one. Maybe that is why he is having this meltdown now. So much rests on his shoulders and no one is helping him. I try to shelter him from the weight but, there is only so much I can do. Everyone expects so much from him. I'm not going to say much more because I think I would regret it if I did.
Quinn talks about bringing Mi back to London with him. I wonder if it wouldn't be that bad of an idea. For Mi, it would be good. But, in the same breath, it would be awful for Hyun-ki.