(no subject)
I don't know what to do.
I've always known the answers in my life, ever since I met Marcus, life has been crystal clear to me. Smile as much as you can, laugh as much as you can, always try to find a bright side, love everyone with your whole heart.
But, how much is too much?
When is optimism too much?
When does loving everyone turn into really loving no one?
When does loving everyone leave no love for yourself?
When do you stop smiling because you mean it and just do it out of habit, emptily?
When does your laughter turn sad and no longer come from the heart?
I can't have Marcus to answer these things for me. I know I will never see him again, now it is 100% sealed. And I did it because I love someone and I wanted him to be happy. But now, the person I prayed to, the person I talked to whenever I had problems I couldn't solve, the person that has guided my life for over six years is gone. I am cut off from him. I mean, I know we haven't really talked in four and a half years but, I felt this connection in the knowing I would see him again. That's gone.
I try so hard. There is a way to make everyone happy, I tell myself. Just think hard enough, there is always a way. Am I blindly optimistic? Yeah, there's a way...I just have to make myself miserable. Am I willing to do that? Usually, I would ask Marcus. Laying in bed, I would hold his picture and ask him what would be the best thing and somehow, I would know. But, I said goodbye to him for real this time. His pictures are gone, anything and everything I had that still reminded me of him.
I don't know what to do. I've never felt this lost and drained before.
I feel like I could cry for hours and hours and it wouldn't be enough.
I wish someone would help me but it is completely on my shoulders. No one has any advice that has worked so far to help me remedy this. It only gets worse. Why do I have to solve this alone? Why won't anyone help me? The truth is, I don't think I can. I can't do it alone.
I can't choose between Hyun-ki and Quinn. I can't give up Quinn. I know that would make Hyun-ki happy but, I just can't do it. I know if I did, I wouldn't survive it.
I'm afraid. Quinn ran away. I want to run away too. I am afraid I will if I can't figure something out soon.
I wish I had a god to pray to, cuz I'd be doing that now.
I've always known the answers in my life, ever since I met Marcus, life has been crystal clear to me. Smile as much as you can, laugh as much as you can, always try to find a bright side, love everyone with your whole heart.
But, how much is too much?
When is optimism too much?
When does loving everyone turn into really loving no one?
When does loving everyone leave no love for yourself?
When do you stop smiling because you mean it and just do it out of habit, emptily?
When does your laughter turn sad and no longer come from the heart?
I can't have Marcus to answer these things for me. I know I will never see him again, now it is 100% sealed. And I did it because I love someone and I wanted him to be happy. But now, the person I prayed to, the person I talked to whenever I had problems I couldn't solve, the person that has guided my life for over six years is gone. I am cut off from him. I mean, I know we haven't really talked in four and a half years but, I felt this connection in the knowing I would see him again. That's gone.
I try so hard. There is a way to make everyone happy, I tell myself. Just think hard enough, there is always a way. Am I blindly optimistic? Yeah, there's a way...I just have to make myself miserable. Am I willing to do that? Usually, I would ask Marcus. Laying in bed, I would hold his picture and ask him what would be the best thing and somehow, I would know. But, I said goodbye to him for real this time. His pictures are gone, anything and everything I had that still reminded me of him.
I don't know what to do. I've never felt this lost and drained before.
I feel like I could cry for hours and hours and it wouldn't be enough.
I wish someone would help me but it is completely on my shoulders. No one has any advice that has worked so far to help me remedy this. It only gets worse. Why do I have to solve this alone? Why won't anyone help me? The truth is, I don't think I can. I can't do it alone.
I can't choose between Hyun-ki and Quinn. I can't give up Quinn. I know that would make Hyun-ki happy but, I just can't do it. I know if I did, I wouldn't survive it.
I'm afraid. Quinn ran away. I want to run away too. I am afraid I will if I can't figure something out soon.
I wish I had a god to pray to, cuz I'd be doing that now.