whining in the new light.
its over?! aren't you happy journal this long overdue, overdone and shitty journey is through. hes out. i'm stupid. no not even stupid there has to be a friendlier term. its all over and done and my heart... well fuck my heart i'm just angry. through and through i said it all. i did what i said. but there was no respect. i get no email back no nada? what???? i am still on the verge of extremely stupified. does it matter?
well of fucking course it does.
it mattered that i went home to see fefe and in turn went and was virtually sexed out of brains with boredom and no sincerity and now ..... kablewie! i guess its easy to round up all these feelings and say oi lass... everyone plays the fool. but in business law i felt a little echo of a shattering glass and then kamaaamabam! i'm out. i'm feeling the pressure and real woe of what ya know sucks. plain and simple like a 1994 juvenile movie. like veronica i am nothing. i mean nothing and have done nothing to bring it. i thought it would be everything and then some. i assumed to much about the power and faith of my personality and quite frankly i'm still a fucking lame just sitting here and typing away bullshit.
@ this point i am without a doubt feeling completely ashamed and depressed. it is given that like some crap a dap shit stain i am wicked nasty. vain perhaps thinking things would be good? nah. i can't stand to see him but i can't stand to see him go. i feel crazy. crazy lonely crazy tired and crazy sad. ok so i don't want to paint another bleak picture of a lone bitch on a saddle. i'm @ a loss for words because its horrible. leading me to want to hurt myself. leading me to want to not let some better things happen in my arms or heart. its pathetic what sex will do. well lust. and nothing.
i would beg and steal just to feel your heart beat close to mine. mine. mine mine. something hes not and won't be. i'm disregarding the fact that i'd like to stab my eyes out. walking walking.. tip toe. if i was as deep as fiona apple i'd be able to apply my mind in a way where my sadness would transcend all this shit. i would be in my own realm. well i'll think like her sadness.
a humid room. dingy curtains and large country windows like the ones in my old room. and over bearing smell of green apples and mangos. i'm in a deep purple like gown on my knees crying. i can see the sky above me a million different tones of color. beautiful streams of gold and sinking pinks and rising warm red. a sunset. i'm gutted and i wish blood could flow from my eyes. the floor is soft and shaggy like a chocolate color. dark chocolate like his skin. perhaps i'll be fine. lots space to make me feel closed. lots of space to tempt him elsewhere. the room has been crudely decorated. it is honest and looks inviting. but there just something not there to make him want to stay. i'm on my knees begging myself to not look out the window. my hair longer than before is soft and my ears are red. its embarassing. its so painful... its bottled up tries. bitten fortune cookies filled with dried rose pedals. its years of love. its wanting to be with him so badly i don't know what life will be like before. before i am in tears and that single saline drop falls i'm in the mirror looking for what is good and whats to be better. i'd like to tear my skin open and really give myself a heave ho. were in the country. i had insisted on being there. in all that open air. i had pushed for the little house to spend time in. assuming things would be breathless and balanced. so great! so good. so fake so not.
i'm stupid ok.
the night falls down like a breath being stolen for the last time. millions of stars and everything so beautiful but nothing to make you stay. the floors now wooden and i've made it glow. there are lights and more fruit but he won't stay. he wants to go. i am at a loss.. the night air is so crisp and i'd love nothing more for him to come to me and take my hand and walk with me in this perfection i've created. but i can't create perfection and he cares for me not. bitter i spit out a maggot in the shape of a heart. unlovable beyond consequence.
i'd be mistaken in just saying things will be fine. i mean thats true but all the same i'm not that grand in denying myself. well heres the pain. heres the wrenching and hair splitting moments of seeing part of me set on fire. and then like a great firework show i'm a million confections of light. hey mutha fukkah i'm not trying to be poetic.
just honest.
and i'm lying to myself assuming i'll be better sooner than later.
if i was stronger i would develop an eating disorder. if i was not wallowing in self pity and doubt i'd cut myself. if i wasn't scared of thinking about every single stupid second perhaps i'd change. being bogged down by it all is all over. what makes me so un special.
there is nothing great about catherine.
shes empty and so alone its tragic.
the night continues with shooting stars and everything is amazing... but he is bored and i am on my knees. my soul would stand up and slap the living shit out of him. but even my soul is looking out of the window. my head is up in the sky attempting to vindicate the emotions and blood in my veins.
did you ever think i'd feel this way? did you know that i was so brazen. so ready??! like a child on an adventure i wanted to galvanize and pursue my destiny in your arms.
ahahaha. thats too fucking funny.
i'm not trying to be tragic. i am attempting to pully my rotten teeth out.
gnawing and chewing i'm biting my elbows and then you walk to the door. you slam it over and over in my face. he does the same thing.. he is me. and you of course are me too.
la la la la.
off to cry hourly!!
well of fucking course it does.
it mattered that i went home to see fefe and in turn went and was virtually sexed out of brains with boredom and no sincerity and now ..... kablewie! i guess its easy to round up all these feelings and say oi lass... everyone plays the fool. but in business law i felt a little echo of a shattering glass and then kamaaamabam! i'm out. i'm feeling the pressure and real woe of what ya know sucks. plain and simple like a 1994 juvenile movie. like veronica i am nothing. i mean nothing and have done nothing to bring it. i thought it would be everything and then some. i assumed to much about the power and faith of my personality and quite frankly i'm still a fucking lame just sitting here and typing away bullshit.
@ this point i am without a doubt feeling completely ashamed and depressed. it is given that like some crap a dap shit stain i am wicked nasty. vain perhaps thinking things would be good? nah. i can't stand to see him but i can't stand to see him go. i feel crazy. crazy lonely crazy tired and crazy sad. ok so i don't want to paint another bleak picture of a lone bitch on a saddle. i'm @ a loss for words because its horrible. leading me to want to hurt myself. leading me to want to not let some better things happen in my arms or heart. its pathetic what sex will do. well lust. and nothing.
i would beg and steal just to feel your heart beat close to mine. mine. mine mine. something hes not and won't be. i'm disregarding the fact that i'd like to stab my eyes out. walking walking.. tip toe. if i was as deep as fiona apple i'd be able to apply my mind in a way where my sadness would transcend all this shit. i would be in my own realm. well i'll think like her sadness.
a humid room. dingy curtains and large country windows like the ones in my old room. and over bearing smell of green apples and mangos. i'm in a deep purple like gown on my knees crying. i can see the sky above me a million different tones of color. beautiful streams of gold and sinking pinks and rising warm red. a sunset. i'm gutted and i wish blood could flow from my eyes. the floor is soft and shaggy like a chocolate color. dark chocolate like his skin. perhaps i'll be fine. lots space to make me feel closed. lots of space to tempt him elsewhere. the room has been crudely decorated. it is honest and looks inviting. but there just something not there to make him want to stay. i'm on my knees begging myself to not look out the window. my hair longer than before is soft and my ears are red. its embarassing. its so painful... its bottled up tries. bitten fortune cookies filled with dried rose pedals. its years of love. its wanting to be with him so badly i don't know what life will be like before. before i am in tears and that single saline drop falls i'm in the mirror looking for what is good and whats to be better. i'd like to tear my skin open and really give myself a heave ho. were in the country. i had insisted on being there. in all that open air. i had pushed for the little house to spend time in. assuming things would be breathless and balanced. so great! so good. so fake so not.
i'm stupid ok.
the night falls down like a breath being stolen for the last time. millions of stars and everything so beautiful but nothing to make you stay. the floors now wooden and i've made it glow. there are lights and more fruit but he won't stay. he wants to go. i am at a loss.. the night air is so crisp and i'd love nothing more for him to come to me and take my hand and walk with me in this perfection i've created. but i can't create perfection and he cares for me not. bitter i spit out a maggot in the shape of a heart. unlovable beyond consequence.
i'd be mistaken in just saying things will be fine. i mean thats true but all the same i'm not that grand in denying myself. well heres the pain. heres the wrenching and hair splitting moments of seeing part of me set on fire. and then like a great firework show i'm a million confections of light. hey mutha fukkah i'm not trying to be poetic.
just honest.
and i'm lying to myself assuming i'll be better sooner than later.
if i was stronger i would develop an eating disorder. if i was not wallowing in self pity and doubt i'd cut myself. if i wasn't scared of thinking about every single stupid second perhaps i'd change. being bogged down by it all is all over. what makes me so un special.
there is nothing great about catherine.
shes empty and so alone its tragic.
the night continues with shooting stars and everything is amazing... but he is bored and i am on my knees. my soul would stand up and slap the living shit out of him. but even my soul is looking out of the window. my head is up in the sky attempting to vindicate the emotions and blood in my veins.
did you ever think i'd feel this way? did you know that i was so brazen. so ready??! like a child on an adventure i wanted to galvanize and pursue my destiny in your arms.
ahahaha. thats too fucking funny.
i'm not trying to be tragic. i am attempting to pully my rotten teeth out.
gnawing and chewing i'm biting my elbows and then you walk to the door. you slam it over and over in my face. he does the same thing.. he is me. and you of course are me too.
la la la la.
off to cry hourly!!