(no subject)
i've been holding in, restricted passage. a sign of inevitability within. again, a rush, a seizure. i dream of him, in waves, in weeping, in terror. kissing lips and living in moments. i want to stay in them, to live and view life through a slideshow. i know i see such beauty in art, in un-art, in poetry and music. do we have such difficulty understanding why we are moved? i brace myself for emotion every time i hear him speak, a whisper in honesty. i want to hear it again and again in a deep breath that i will never exhale.
[oh, these tears are quickening, exiting swiftly, they've been wanting to escape every moment you're away.]
i'm beginning to believe in difference. i want to learn, but how can anything be taught knowing the uniqueness of a being? give me tools, set me free? accomplishment is detailed, tallied, we are graded and reprimanded. a deck of cards is made in suit, but i do not wish to be confined within a case.
inner dialogue, the look in eyes when someone flinches with apprehension. unwillingness to accept their synapses. shock! fury! negative space inbetween clever wit! oh, no!
i've been responding to these impulses for so long, willing to let my movements express sentience. upon so many mediums, including so many memories. they are not simply objective correlatives, [they are!], and i want understanding, just as much now as ever. red streaks across white! analyse the meaning, and it makes no sense, but to someone it is divine, it is wracking, moving, it sings in harmony with a chord struck! you know me.
i have been neglectful. so many ideas disrupted by time, in time. sometimes, close enough is closer than i want to get. someone, press me between two pages. i want to be held inside a forgotten journal, yellowed, dehydrated and injected with sentiment.