Angst angst angst RAWRRR!!!!
Something I dug up...but has been holding very true to the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately. I must state beforehand that none of this is what I necessarily hold to be truth...I wonder if I want there to be something wrong with how things are so that I feel justified in not feeling like I belong some of the time...a la Bernard Marx. I have noticed (and it has been brought to my attention by others) that much of the way I express my thoughts and feelings tends to be as if I hold them to be ultimate and true...and that I hold myself to be better than others and the rest of the world. That is not my intent nor is it how I feel and I apologize for making it seem as such. But then again this may seem like gibberish to most of you anyways.
"I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or if there’s something wrong with this world, then again I am willing to accept that there is something wrong with both. I can’t accept anything that is given to me as truth. I know things have happened. I know things happen. But by the time any information gets to me it has gone through so many filters of perception that much of the meaning has been changed or phased out. I can memorize what I am told. I can regurgitate it on demand and get points or praise or rewards for it, but I don’t truly know anything. We shape the world. I am sure that this world exists in it’s own rite, but none of us have ever seen it. We bend things in our head so that they meet some shape that feels safe to us. We tell ourselves lies and then tell them to other people and they tell themselves different lies. There is something beyond this husk of meat that I am in and I can not see it or feel it…but perhaps that is the problem. I want to see, feel, taste, touch this Truth. Maybe it is something that we can’t perceive on the same lines as we do these lies. I want to reach past this but I don’t know how…I don’t know if these ramblings hold any meaning.
Maybe I just want there to be more to this layer of perception because I am tired of how it is…with it’s stupidity and ignorance and lack of true change or growth. It gets to the point to where I have to find some distraction from things outside my direct circle of the world…from the things I can taste, touch, hear, smell or see. Video games work, books work, television and movies work. They let me bottle and suppress this angst before it boils to the brim and focus on something else, something fun.
Then part of me kicks in with…that’s what they’re there for…to keep us from getting the momentum to move forward and do something about anything…aren’t we all tired of being someone else’s cattle?…don’t we want to be our own people?…don’t you want to help people?…truly help people?…or do you just want to do it within the confines of this system?…where you feel safe…where everything means something harmless…"
Then again, would I even know how to begin to attempt to do something better outside of the confines of this system?
"I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or if there’s something wrong with this world, then again I am willing to accept that there is something wrong with both. I can’t accept anything that is given to me as truth. I know things have happened. I know things happen. But by the time any information gets to me it has gone through so many filters of perception that much of the meaning has been changed or phased out. I can memorize what I am told. I can regurgitate it on demand and get points or praise or rewards for it, but I don’t truly know anything. We shape the world. I am sure that this world exists in it’s own rite, but none of us have ever seen it. We bend things in our head so that they meet some shape that feels safe to us. We tell ourselves lies and then tell them to other people and they tell themselves different lies. There is something beyond this husk of meat that I am in and I can not see it or feel it…but perhaps that is the problem. I want to see, feel, taste, touch this Truth. Maybe it is something that we can’t perceive on the same lines as we do these lies. I want to reach past this but I don’t know how…I don’t know if these ramblings hold any meaning.
Maybe I just want there to be more to this layer of perception because I am tired of how it is…with it’s stupidity and ignorance and lack of true change or growth. It gets to the point to where I have to find some distraction from things outside my direct circle of the world…from the things I can taste, touch, hear, smell or see. Video games work, books work, television and movies work. They let me bottle and suppress this angst before it boils to the brim and focus on something else, something fun.
Then part of me kicks in with…that’s what they’re there for…to keep us from getting the momentum to move forward and do something about anything…aren’t we all tired of being someone else’s cattle?…don’t we want to be our own people?…don’t you want to help people?…truly help people?…or do you just want to do it within the confines of this system?…where you feel safe…where everything means something harmless…"
Then again, would I even know how to begin to attempt to do something better outside of the confines of this system?