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Sep 12, 2005 12:34

Title: Fears
Author: Chico (lost_for_jack)
Summary: Mark has his fears. And now he has to face them all.
Word Count: 595
Notes: Takes place after "Goodbye Love" (let's just ignore "What You Own" for a bit, okay?)


Based on the lyrics from “I’m Not Afraid of Anything” from “Songs For A New World”:
Jenny's afraid of water
I mean she swims so well
But still
She's afraid of water
And so she won't go near the sea
Not me

Katie's afraid of darkness
I mean she sleeps and all
But still
She's afraid of darkness
So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand
I don't understand

I'm not afraid of anything
Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky
I'm not afraid of anything
Tell me where's the challenge if you never try
So watch me fly
I'm not afraid

Daddy's afraid of babies
I mean he got through me, but now
He's afraid of babies
Guess he's scared of what they'll be
Not me

And Mama's afraid of crying
You know she tries to hold it in
But she's afraid of crying
And she can look at me with tears stuck in her eye
And I don't know why

I'm not afraid of anything
Be it growing old or going out of style
I'm not afraid of anything
Who would give up what they want without a trial
Another mile
I'm not afraid

And I feel the calling of adventure
And I hear the ringing in my ear
The lights are glaring
Trumpets blaring
I'm right here
And I hear the calling of tomorrow
And I feel the stirring in my bones
And David loves me
He's afraid to hold me

Listen to the calling of excitement
Can you feel the pounding of my heart
The lights are ready
Pulse is steady
I can start

Never stop the calling of a challenge
Blessing on the water and the stones
And David loves me
He's afraid to tell me
David loves me
He's afraid to trust me
He's afraid to hold me
And he'll always be
He's afraid of me

And I'm not afraid of anyone
I am sure to win with anyone at all
I'm not afraid of anyone
Not a soul alive can get behind this wall
So let them call
And watch them fall
‘Cause after all
I'm not afraid


When I was little I used to bathe, well, my mom used to bathe me. I never could stand to be let alone in that large tub of water for so long. She never understood but seemed okay with it. It was just meant more time for her to be all motherly. You'd think that a shower would be different. But it's not. The water runs past you, showing you everything, knowing that you can't hide. It jerks your eyes to every angle, ever curve and mocks you. I can’t seem to stay in the shower longer than two minutes. But I'll take a shower over a bath any day. A bath is the worst. The fear of the water enveloping me and sucking me under to where I no longer moved or knew who I am is always there.

Roger just thinks I’m quick, but in reality, I’m afraid of water.

--------------

The power blows.

Lightning and thunder do some mumbo jumbo and attack the electricity.

Roger turns off the light in my room.

I hate the dark. That deep developing that surrounds you and takes you in when you least expect it. Fear of never seeing the light again. That you’ll just lie there and never see anything ever again. Or when you wake, it’ll be worse than all the darkness, you’ll be awake but yearn for the darkness. That’s its trick. Like morphine, it’ll get you addicted. So I stay away from it as much as I can. But I can’t hide forever.

I sleep just fine; I just can’t seem to get past the darkness when my eyes are open.

He thinks I’m weird, but really, I’m afraid of darkness.

--------------

Babies. They frighten me because in this world there are so many sharp turns that can take you. That can kill you. That can make you what they want you to be. That can take what you are and force you into their tiny squares and make you conform to their ways. That can take your hope for the future and extinguish it so quick you won’t realize what had happened. You’ll look up and have no faith, no hope, and especially not the thought of love.

AIDS. Alcoholism. Alzheimer’s. And that’s just the A’s.

A child being born into this world has no defense against it. Against anything.

He thinks I’m just being spiritless, but I’m afraid of babies.

--------------

Tears. Those falling drops that are actually acid burning from your soul. They come from your soul, deep where you hide them and they betray you into forming into something that others can see openly. They fall and do the unthinkable. They make you feel worse than you already are. Everyone says that you should cry but in reality all you’re doing is ripping open the wounds and facing the thing you refuse to. Facing the fact that it is right in front of you.

He thinks I’m just being strong, but I’m afraid of crying.

--------------

I never faced my problems. I never faced my issues. I never faced my reality.

Until now.

He left for Santa Fe and now in the emptiness of the loft, I have to face all of my fears.

I take a bath, I sit in the dark, I hear a baby cry, and I let the tears fall. I remember the fears. I remember the burn of pain as he left.

He thinks I long for a community of my own, when all I really want is for him to come back.

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