(no subject)
I'm having moments of vanity issues today-well this past week I guess. I feel like the cancer has taken so much away from me including a full muscle on the left side of my neckthat helped with shoulder motion. I'm scarred from multiple surgeries including the placement and removal of the port. I have three blue dots as tattoos I didn't want and can't cover consider the locations. (I'm not willing or able to get neck work done). Radiation burns and scarring and let's not forget the bald thing. I know the hair will grow back (at least I hope it does) but I still recall that it started to grow and then fell out again. I know logically that it will come back but emotionally I'm still trying to believe it. I know that the scars look tons better than they did but its hard to think that they will always be there. My nerves are messed up in my shoulder, face and ear on the left side...most of the is permanent. It just blows! Its not bad enough that I missed almost 6 months of work and life but there are so many permanent reminders that I have to look at or deal with daily-its like I can't forget for very long that I have cancer. I've been told repeatedly that even if this next test proves I'm at a zero stage now-I will always be considered as having cancer because of the type I have there is no known remission/cure period. ARRRGHHH! Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself-at least I didn't have to put up with me as a patient and there are full days and stretches of time that I don't remember thanks to drugs or being really sick. At least I'm alive and hopefully going back to work...with some changes I can resume many of my past activities eventually. Chemo side effects will continue for up to 12 months according to the doc, things like memory issues, fatigue and lack of stamina...joy! I feel better but get so damn tired so quick! Whatever, I'm alive right? I'll keep telling myself that and eventually it will help....