[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 5
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (5/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: oh dear.. this chapter feels very repetitive and slow TT SORRY. just trying to get over writers block AGAin -ㅂ- so if its crap it means i can only just improve in the next chapter :P kk
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four |
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“Changmin-ah?”
Jaejoong’s voice was a soft hesitant murmur, as if checking if he were still awake and listening or not. The sound drew him blearily out of the depths of his clouded mind as he let his head rest more heavily upon Jaejoong’s shoulder. He didn’t respond, childishly pretending he was asleep just because he didn’t want this moment to end.
The other took a long slow breath, letting it out in a silent sigh. And Changmin wished he could see his face, wanting to know what expression accompanied the huff of air, what emotion Jaejoong might be unable to hide right now. But he couldn’t bear to lift his head.
Then Jaejoong was speaking quietly, almost as if to himself, but Changmin knew the words were meant for him. “I really can’t be close to you like this anymore, Min.” Changmin’s heart stilled and sudden silence seemed to press deep into his ears. “You understand, don’t you?” Jaejoong’s voice was so soft, much too gentle of a sound to justify the way Changmin’s heart was squeezing painfully. “I wont confuse you anymore…so please just start smiling again, okay?”
A hand lifted to brush lightly across his face. His eyes were screwed tightly closed, as if blocking out the world around him would make it untrue, would make it unreal, but the hand passed down to slide under his head before pushing him away firmly.
He slowly, ever so reluctantly sat back up, leaning away from the warmth that was Jaejoong and he couldn’t resist opening his eyes and glancing to the side. Jaejoong wasn’t even looking at him, turned resolutely away as he pulled his hands back to himself.
Why wouldn’t he even look at him? Why was he just standing up without another word…walking away without a backward glance?
Changmin didn’t know where he’d gone wrong. Yes, he’d rejected Jaejoong’s intimate touches, but he’d never meant for that to include interaction of all kinds. He hadn’t meant for it to be so devastatingly serious, so real and so permanent. Only until he’d figured things out…only until he’d gotten control over his own unruly heart…
He wanted to ask Jaejoong to wait for him. To stay by his side. But he was too weak. He could only let him go like this. And he knew he already regretted it more than anything. How could he have known that Jaejoong wouldn’t want to even be near him anymore? How could he ever take it back?
His eyes stung sharply, and he leaned his head slowly back against the wall. He felt more lost and bewildered than ever, and hadn’t the slightest idea of what he even wanted anymore.
The rest of the day passed in a blur to Changmin. The group was uncharacteristically quiet as they all seemed preoccupied with their own thoughts or hyper focused on the remaining work for the day.
Changmin went through the motions almost mechanically, letting his brain switch off and his body carry him along. The ride home was somber and quiet as they either stared stonily out of windows or leaned back into their seats with eyes closed, feigning sleep.
No one chose to break the silent agreement hanging over them, and Changmin felt so disheartened by the events of the day that even Yoochun’s warm hand slipping around his waist to steady him as he tripped climbing out of the van couldn’t melt the ice surrounding his heart.
He let Yoochun steady him, looking up to see the concern in his face and the faint glimmer of something that seemed to almost be an apology. For what Changmin didn’t know, but he didn’t pull away as Yoochun proceeded to drop his hand from his waist to take hold of his hand instead. Making their way inside, Changmin hardly felt the way Yoochun’s hand was warm around his, gentle tugs leading him in the right direction.
He was too preoccupied with the way Junsu shoved passed them almost stormily, bypassing the elevator to slam open the doors to the stairs. He couldn’t give thought to the way Yoochun didn’t drop his hand the whole elevator ride up, not with the way he could clearly feel Jaejoong’s eyes on them from where he stood quietly behind them.
He was too numb to care what he could be doing wrong at that moment, just giving in to the soft press of fingers that only too soon slipped away from his own as Yunho threw an arm around his shoulders instead, tugging him easily into his side.
Looking up into Yunho’s face, Changmin could only blink tiredly, unable to return the overly bright smile that shone down at him. Yunho was saying something about how he’d done a good job that day and to rest up, and he merely nodded in response, eyes following Jaejoong’s back as the eldest moved ahead of them to open up the front door of the apartment.
Changmin made to follow in behind Yoochun, but Yunho’s grip around his shoulders tightened slightly, keeping him pressed closely into the hard strength of his body. Turning back to look at him again, this time in confusion, he was met with a straight serious face, all traces of the silly grin painting his face merely moments before completely gone.
Yunho’s eyes were so warm and soft, watching him with nothing but concern and worry and Changmin started to feel foolish if not guilty. Everything that had gone wrong in their group these days really was his fault, and he had been too selfishly wrapped up in his own world to even think of how Yunho was trying so hard to patch things up and keep them running more or less smoothly.
“I’m sorry.” Changmin blurted before Yunho could even open his mouth.
The words seemed to surprise the older, who stared at him blankly for a few long heartbeats. Then he huffed a small laugh, a smile instantly back on his face.
“Don’t be an idiot, Changmin-ah. You’ve looked nothing but miserable these days, but none of this is your fault.” His free hand came up to ruffle Changmin’s hair affectionately, complete with sweetly curving eyes that crinkled in the corners with mirth. “I’ll take care of everything else, so can you just promise me something?”
His heart was clenching unpleasantly at Yunho’s words, a tight ache filling up his chest as Yunho brushed it all off so easily, read his mind so easily, and comforted him all in the same moment. Changmin felt himself fall with a rushing thud back into the present as Yunho continued to pin him with those caring brown eyes. He managed a small nod.
“I want you to promise me that you wont blame yourself for the way some people can’t seem to deal with stress.” His smile was becoming even more cheery as he spoke, soon to be blinding and Changmin couldn’t for the life of him find what was so happy in that moment, or what there was to smile about. Yunho was then chuckling in his face. “Your sour face is cute, Min, but do nothing for those eye bags. Why don’t you head in and go straight to bed? I’ll make sure the others give you some peace and quiet, okay?”
Unable to even manage a ghost of a smile, Changmin merely nodded again, although Yunho seemed content enough with that. With a final pat to his now thoroughly tussled hair, Yunho nearly dragged him to the door as he still refused to release Changmin from the one armed hug he had him in.
Squishing awkwardly through the door together, Changmin focused on toeing off his shoes while beside him Yunho began chattering about something or another, all the while keeping him hugged close against his body. Yunho was far from comfortable, all hard muscles and jutting bones but the heat that seeped through to warm Changmin’s skin was like a balm on his frazzled nerves.
It felt nice, and before he could really think about what he was doing, right there in the entry way, Changmin turned against Yunho’s arm to curl into his chest and envelop him in a tight hug. His arms found their way around the other’s neck, drawing him closely against himself as Yunho’s other arm automatically came up to wrap around his lower back.
Burying his face in Yunho’s shoulder, Changmin breathed in deeply, the scent of Yunho’s cologne mixed with the tang of sweat heady and pricking his nose sharply, but he didn’t turn away. That smell was so real and down to earth, so full of earnest effort and calm, steady acceptance. Everything that was Yunho. At that moment Yunho seemed so incredibly strong and unbreakable, wrapping him in an all encompassing embrace that was the exact thing he’d been craving all these days.
Yunho was silent for a while, holding him quietly as if waiting for him to speak, to spill out his distress and secrets, but Changmin didn’t intend to stay there for long, let alone let free any of the thoughts tormenting him at the moment. He just wanted to feel engulfed in someone bigger and stronger than him, regain his bearings and remind himself there was a shoulder to lean on when he couldn't stand on his own anymore.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Yunho whispered hotly into his ear, and the arms encircling him tightened, pressing him closer into Yunho’s broad chest.
It was a moment before Changmin realized the muffled sounds trickling into his other ear were actually coming from his own mouth, an almost mewling croak of a cry, and he was throwing himself back and away from Yunho in an instant, feeling mortified for breaking down out of nowhere without preamble and without even realizing nor being able to control himself.
He turned and promptly fled, leaving Yunho standing bewildered in the doorway, a large telltale wet spot bleeding across the fabric of his shoulder.
Changmin wiped furiously at his face, clearing it of all signs of his failure, of barriers worn too thin, and almost didn’t see that it was Jaejoong who he knocked shoulders with as he hurried down the hall. He ducked his head and rushed for the sanctuary of the bedroom, not sure if he imagined the soft inquiry from the other or not. He only wished to lose himself in the darkness of sleep so that he didn’t have to face the questions or the curious eyes, nor live through the awkward way they had all broken apart.
Flopping onto his stomach and burying himself under the blanket, he clenched his fists into the bed spread. He was sure everything that had gone wrong was because of him. Or was because of those seemingly innocent slips of paper that now seemed to burn through the bottom of the mattress and scorch his body where it lay.
For the first time since this had all started, Changmin considered throwing them out. He wondered if it would be relieving to just ignore them and destroy the evidence. Would it make everything go back to normal if he acted like nothing had changed? Would that make Jaejoong and Junsu treat him like before? He had no idea, as the two of them seemed like such different people these days.
He struggled with the idea for what seemed like hours, wanting to come to a decision yet unable to make up his mind. Nearly ready to scream with frustration, Changmin threw his blankets off, the darkness pressing in on him so quickly that he felt exposed and so alone.
Sometime during his time under the blankets, the room had filled with his band mates, each now dark lumps in their respective beds. He hadn’t heard them come in, his own thoughts too loud, and he tried not to let his eyes linger too long on a certain shadowy shape.
His heart hurt, and it was only getting worse. He didn’t know how to deal with it. He only knew that he needed someone. Someone to chase the trouble away, to comfort him…or just someone to listen to his struggles. If he could just get it all out of his head he would be able to sleep.
He knew there was only one person he could trust with that right now, but tried to hold himself back since he now knew that Yoochun was soon to be off limits. As much as he selfishly wanted to cling to Yoochun for the unassuming comfort he provided, the knowledge of where Yoochun’s heart lay was like a tickling itch in the back of his brain.
Unlike Yunho’s hard unshakable strength of earlier, Yoochun was so calm, like a warm sea he could sink into and know he was protected on all sides because Yoochun understood him, knew his heart inside and out, and there was nothing as amazing as that feeling of closeness between them.
But now there was Junsu. Hanging between them. And Changmin tried very hard to control himself, but felt he was growing steadily more desperate, more attached, and more transparent the more he fought it. Each minute lasted days and he knew he could only let go if he was resting in the protective circle of Yoochun’s arms, where he could let all his defenses down and just be his miserable self.
He wanted to cling to him, unveiling their shared burden grown much too heavy and painful to shoulder alone, and this desire above all the others was what made Changmin finally sit up in the dark, swing his legs over the edge of the bed and sneak quietly to the door.
Not only was he unable to trust himself to resist the urge to climb into Yoochun’s bed and wrap himself about him as if he were the only thing he had left, he was also unable to stand the stifling heaviness of the two awake bodies of Jaejoong and Junsu beside him; Yunho’s loud snores did nothing to drown out the unsaid words hanging in the air.
He slunk dejectedly out of the room, shoulders slumped against his own weakness of heart, knowing he was taking the cowardly way out but needing to find sanctuary in the living room. He couldn’t be near the two people who were tormenting him nor the one who promised to soothe all the pain away. It was too dangerous because he could easily get lost in either one.
Changmin planned to sleep on the couch until he found it occupied. Yoochun’s eyes glinted in the faint light of street lights glowing through the windows. Changmin stopped in his tracks, about ready to turn away but Yoochun had already opened the blanket, inviting him under, and his body moved before his mind could consider the pros and cons of cuddling with his hyung now of all times. He felt cracked and ready to shatter into pieces at the lightest touch.
It had taken so much courage to turn away and force himself to leave the bedroom behind, but that had been the extent of his power, and now the very temptation he’d been seeking to avoid was offering itself before him.
But here in the dark it was so much easier to let it all go and wrap arms around that warm comforting presence, icy cold feet touching warm ones. Hidden by night, it was so much easier to pretend they weren’t pressed chest to chest together, breath mingling and legs tangling.
It was easier to pretend that the clenching of his heart and the fluttering in his stomach were just figments of his imagination or accidents as warm, warm soft lips were suddenly pushing against his, opening his mouth with a press of a wet tongue that sent electricity coursing through him. His body was tingling and his stomach twisting, filling with a low pressure that while both pleasurable and intoxicating, was terrifying with the instant heady desire that it filled him with.
The feeling was so sweet, but tinged with a rush of adrenaline at the fact that they shouldn’t be doing this, denial and chest tightening fear of doing something so taboo, but so unable to stop.
And he didn’t care that this was his first real kiss, with his hyung of all people, who was probably his best friend. He didn’t care that they both loved another man when the hands that sunk into his hair, pulling him closer were so tender, the kiss loving, and Yoochun was stroking his tongue with his own in a slow leisurely way that sent him spiraling into nothing.
Yoochun didn’t ask, didn’t demand anything, but Changmin found himself giving into every touch, lost in pure feeling, head empty yet filled with glowing warmth as he clung to the other, slipping arms around Yoochun’s waist and holding onto him, pulling them even more fully against each other.
And it was so warm everywhere they touched, and he couldn’t breathe. All he could think, all he was aware of were those warms lips, caressing touches, and his heart ached so strongly he tried to shut his brain off. Because he didn’t want to think about what they were currently doing, and he didn’t want to stop.
He needed something so badly, but he had no idea what. And it felt like they only way to forget that driving feeling that was making him crazy, the only way to fill that gaping hole, was to get lost in Yoochun like this. It didn’t feel wrong, because Yoochun needed the same thing from him.
They just lay there in each other’s arms, kissing away their doubts, fears, and pains. Then Yoochun was shifting, a soft press of hands on his shoulders, pushing him down onto his back as Yoochun rolled on top of him.
And Changmin gave into the wordless request, because his body was on fire, heart thundering in his ears because now Yoochun was touching him gently, fingers running down his sides, and his body rose of its own accord to meet the soft caress. Driving him into spirals of sweet pleasure and he only wanted more. He needed more. Wanted to lose himself irreversibly in the feeling.
Their mouths met again, a little more deeply, a little more needy, and Changmin couldn’t stop the muffled sound that slipped from deep in his throat.
The moan made them both freeze where they lay, as if finally realizing exactly what they were doing, Yoochun with his lips still pressed against Changmin’s neck. Heavy breaths filled the dark air of the room and the soft voice that suddenly spoke sounded like a shout in the heated air.
“W-what are you guys doing?”
Changmin sucked in a gasp of shock as Yoochun’s whole body stiffened above him, the older lifting his head from Changmin’s skin. His eyes were wide, Changmin could see the white of them dimly in the dark.
“What.. What the hell are you doing?” Junsu’s voice wavered as it rose sharply in pitch, shrill with shock and disbelief at what he’d just walked in on. And Yoochun moved away from Changmin as if stung, leaving him shivering from the sudden lack of warmth.
He realized his shirt was pushed up to reveal his bare chest, easily visible as pale white against the dark color of the couch. He hurried to tug it back down as Yoochun scrambled to his feet, turning to face Junsu who was standing stiffly not five feet away.
It was as if reality came crashing down with a physical blow, and the pressure on his chest was suffocating. He had not just been making out with Yoochun, and Junsu had not just caught them in the act.
His whole body was still burning and aroused from Yoochun’s experienced touches, those ravishing kisses, and he felt slightly sick as the heat spread hotly up his neck and across his cheeks. He’d never felt so humiliated in his life, never felt he’d ever done something so horribly wrong, and he wanted to just disappear, to undo everything.
Shame and regret, and he couldn’t watch as Yoochun stumbled forward, reaching for Junsu, and even Changmin couldn’t make himself believe the choked desperate ‘It’s not what it looks like’ that filled air so stifling it seemed toxic.
Junsu didn’t move, letting Yoochun take both hands wildly in his own. Changmin could feel all the way from his spot on the couch the disbelief and anger coming off of Junsu in sharp waves, betrayal thick in his voice as he spoke in a biting whisper, sound rough and harsh.
“Hyung. How could you…?” His breath hitched as he gulped in a huge breath of air, “Was it you all this time?”
Yoochun was a sputtering mess of ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘just hear me out’s, and it seemed to take all of Junsu’s self control and strength to not turn away, to not reach out and strike the pleading man before him, to just stand his ground and listen to something nobody in the room wanted to hear.
“I didn’t write those letters to Changmin.” Yoochun pleaded, voice broken by the weight of their actions, their mistake.
Junsu let out a low disbelieving, mocking laugh. “Oh, really? So you don’t love him, but have no problem taking advantage of him? No qualms about seducing someone who’s the same as your little brother?”
Yoochun’s whole body slumped with the accusation, seeming unable to fight against it as it was too overwhelmingly huge. And Changmin was getting to his feet, rushing forward, because all he could think about was now yet another thing would be his fault, that he would be the one who was ruining Yoochun’s chance at love.
“That’s not it, hyung. It’s my fault. I…wanted to…I kissed him first.”
Both of them turned to look at him so fast he was struck dumb under the fierce attention now focused on him. Junsu’s eyes were huge with disbelief, while Yoochun’s looked so sharp and angry that Changmin’s breath caught. But he couldn’t be the cause of this. Couldn’t be the reason Yoochun lost the one he loved.
Junsu let out a long breath he seemed to have been holding. “Changmin-ah. Why…why would you cover for him? You honestly think I would believe that? You don’t have to protect him, I know what kind of a person he is. I know you’re too innocent to say no when he started doing things to you.” He turned his burning eyes onto Yoochun who was still staring at Changmin in a way that made his skin crawl and his whole body twist and burn uncomfortably.
And although the words weren’t directed at him, Changmin felt like his own heart had been trodden upon as Junsu nearly spit in Yoochun’s face. His opinion was nothing but harsh, and it tugged at Changmin’s heart because Yoochun wasn’t like that. He was anything but that. And Junsu had no idea that Yoochun was empty and bleeding inside. That it really was Changmin’s fault. And he took a step forward, wrapping Junsu in a tight hug even as the other struggled to get away.
“Let go of me. What’s gotten into you? Changmin!”
Changmin struggled to keep his grip, forcing the body within his arms to be still, pining Junsu’s arms against his sides to prevent him from escaping. To make him stop and listen. To beg him to hear what he had to say.
“Not until you listen to me!” he growled into Junsu’s ear. A hand fell upon his shoulder and he turned his head to find Yoochun looking at him with dark soulful eyes. The older man shook his head slowly, eyes pleading.
“Don’t do this, Min.” he whispered. “Please.”
But Changmin frowned, setting his jaw stubbornly. “I’m sick of this. No more hiding. And he needs to know. Either you tell him your way, or I’m doing it for you right now.”
Changmin stared boldly back into Yoochun’s distraught face, challenging him to back down. Either way he was going to see an end to this right here and right now. No more misunderstandings, between Yoochun and Junsu at least.
Pressed against him with his breath warming a spot his chest, Junsu had finally gone still. The words seemed to have gotten to him, the sudden hush filling the room so serious and Changmin loosened his arms, offering Yoochun his chance and smiling softly, sadly as Yoochun seemed to make up his mind. Yoochun promptly reached out and tugged Junsu out of Changmin’s arms and into his own.
Junsu seemed about ready to protest, but even Changmin could see the way Yoochun was holding him as if he were fragile and precious, a fleeting longing filling his chest as he knew that embrace could no longer be his.
“I’m sorry, Junsu.” Yoochun’s voice was low, full of emotion yet steady. “I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I’m not going to make any excuses…just believe me when I say I’m sorry. And that I’m going to make it up to you.”
Junsu sighed, standing stiffly within the circle of Yoochun’s arms, his own arms dangling uselessly by his sides. Changmin could see both hands were clenched into fists, and wondered if he should leave them alone. But he couldn’t make himself move.
“Whatever.” Junsu muttered darkly. “This has nothing to do with me, just don’t expect me to be happy for you two when-”
He was promptly cut off as Yoochun’s hands flew up to take the back of Junsu’s head in a firm grip, turning his face up and muffling the words with his lips. A chaste gentle kiss that Junsu was too shocked to reject. And the moment Yoochun started moving his mouth against his, asking for more, deepening it, Changmin felt his chest clench.
Maybe it was because just moments ago he’d been on the receiving end, feeling loved, enveloped in Yoochun’s warmth, and now he was standing alongside watching like an outsider. And he shouldn’t be there, he was intruding, but he saw the way that Junsu melted into the kiss, was kissing back and his throat closed up. It was all he needed to see to know how Junsu must feel, too.
But before he could turn and run away, before he could escape and let that feeling of being unwanted and unloved consume him, Junsu was shoving Yoochun roughly away, making him stumble backwards into Changmin’s arms which reached out to steady him automatically.
Junsu looked livid as he wiped his mouth furiously with the back of his hand. “Wh-What the hell- How dare you- You jerk! So Changmin’s not enough for you, you want to have a go at me too?”
Changmin wrapped his arms protectively around Yoochun, as if he could shield him with the act. But Yoochun shrugged him off quickly, standing tall before Junsu who was shaking so hard it was visible even through the dim light.
“Junsu-yah. That’s not it, please. I only did that to Min because I can’t…have you.”
Even though Changmin had known all along that was what it was, had been doing the same thing himself, the confession still hurt like hell, and he took a step backwards silently, biting his lip to stop the tears that suddenly threatened to pool in his eyes.
And Junsu seemed just as shaken as him. Was gaping at Yoochun stupidly. “You expect me to believe that? After everything I’ve seen…”
Yoochun stood his ground bravely, letting Junsu lash all his anger and hurt onto him. “I said I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for kissing you. It…won’t happen again. I just…”
Junsu was slowly puffing up, as if literally filling with hot air as his face flushed deep red. He seemed about ready to explode and Changmin didn’t know why Yoochun was just standing there, why he wasn’t trying again, why he wasn’t down on his knees begging when Junsu was the world to him.
“He’s totally in love with you, hyung.” Changmin choked on the words, ignoring the way Yoochun whirled on him, only looking into Junsu’s face, hoping he’d see that if coming from him…it must be the truth.
Junsu shook his head, looking ready to retort back, but now that it was said, out in the open, Changmin barreled forward. “He loves you. And he always has. I’m sorry…I thought he’d written the letters…and I was just so lonely…and I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry. You should be angry at me, not him. You have no idea how long he’s been-”
“And have either of you ever stopped to think about how I might feel?” Junsu burst out heatedly. “What if I want nothing to do with him? What if I don’t want him to love me? What if I love…love someone else?”
Silence rang in their ears as Junsu abruptly cut off, his face twisted in angry hurt. Changmin could only stare back at him dumbly, aware of the way Yoochun had frozen beside him, of the way Yoochun looked so stricken, the disbelief and heartbreak clear in his eyes.
“You…love someone else?” Yoochun choked on the words, a faint tremor rippling through his whole body.
Junsu glared at Yoochun in response, lips curved sharply down in a vicious frown. He didn’t seem to care that he was sufficiently killing Yoochun through mere words alone, didn’t seem to see the way Yoochun was breaking in front of him, and Changmin felt his own heart breaking as in a cold fury Junsu turned away from Yoochun and reached instead for Changmin’s arm.
He couldn’t speak or even pull away as Junsu’s fingers dug into his wrist, dragging him bodily from the room with a strength belying his small frame. Changmin stumbled after Junsu’s purposeful steps, looking desperately over his shoulder at Yoochun who was standing rigidly in the same place, following them with eyes that were silently screaming. Eyes that were raw and open, practically bleeding, and Changmin’s belated call of his name was lost in the dark as Junsu pulled him into their shared practice room and turned to shut the door and flip the lock.
Neither of them moved, nor reached to turn on the light. The small cramped windowless room was pitch black and it felt as if a blanket was pressed across his eyes. He could feel rather than see the way Junsu was leaning heavily against the door, each breath that passed through him short and suffering. He didn’t know if he should reach out to him or not, only too aware of what this all might mean. And he didn’t want it to even start to think about it.
The silence stretched between them as Junsu slowly calmed down, the long slow breaths now filling the dark the only indication that Changmin was not alone in the stuffy enclosed space. He was still too shocked and confused to know what to do, and he couldn’t get the last expression that had crossed Yoochun’s face out of his mind.
Why did Junsu bring him in here? Why did he drag him away from Yoochun and leave the other to fall apart with no one to catch him or piece him back together? No matter how angry or upset Junsu may be, they were the only ones who knew how fragile Yoochun really was and Junsu should know better than to leave him alone like that.
“I need to go to Yoochun.”
The words sounded oddly muted and disembodied in the dark, and Junsu’s breathing promptly stopped for a moment before continuing. His voice was breathy and only mere inches away from him as he spoke in a strained rush. “Changmin-ah, don't.”
“He needs me, hyung.”
“And I don’t?” Junsu whispered fiercely, now close enough that Changmin could feel the warm heat radiating from his body. And he was immediately at a loss for words as his chest tightened sickeningly. It couldn’t be…this was all wrong.
“Hyung?” His voice cracked pathetically, full of a broken question, a plea for Junsu to explain it if not deny it. But he couldn’t block out the way Junsu was now struggling to hold back obvious tears, a heartbroken whimpering sound filling the air, and he couldn’t push him away as a heavy head thudded into the center of his chest.
Junsu didn’t say anything, didn’t move to touch him except for where his head pressed against him, begging him to understand, to accept him, to forgive him, and Changmin felt something tearing open inside of him and he slowly lifted his arms to rest his hands on Junsu’s trembling shoulders.
The simple touch seemed to be all the permission Junsu needed to then sag against Changmin, twisting arms around his waist and stifling his soft sobs in the fabric of his shirt. And Changmin let him because there was nothing else that he could do.
He had thought that he was the only one loosened and falling apart at the seams, but the body shuddering against him and the no doubt devastated man out in the next room were more than enough to make him forget himself. And he felt so helpless. What could he do to comfort them? What could he do to make it all okay?
Junsu seemed to really need something from him, but he wasn’t sure that this wouldn’t do more damage than good. And he never had felt more inexperienced and young than he did at that moment when someone was leaning on him begging for comfort among other things he couldn’t even identify, so desperately needing him in a way he didn’t know how to give.
Long minutes later and Junsu seemed nowhere near stopping, an endless flow, a bottomless need that Changmin knew he couldn’t fill. Soon they were sitting in a heap on the floor, leaning against each other. Changmin was drained and empty, so tired that he couldn’t even make sense of what they were even doing there anymore.
He just knew he couldn’t let go, not with Junsu counting on him to make it all better. Even though he whispered the opposite into Junsu’s ears, he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend that it would be okay, because everything was slowly falling apart and he was powerless to stop it. He could only pray that the fall would end soon and they wouldn’t be too broken when they hit the bottom.
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next chapter: six~
A/N: oops~ i was so close to making things work out and then my muse just carried me off and made it more angst and confusion = = geez. i hope ur not sick of it! lol i gota clear this up soon ~~ :P
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Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (5/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: oh dear.. this chapter feels very repetitive and slow TT SORRY. just trying to get over writers block AGAin -ㅂ- so if its crap it means i can only just improve in the next chapter :P kk
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three | four |
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“Changmin-ah?”
Jaejoong’s voice was a soft hesitant murmur, as if checking if he were still awake and listening or not. The sound drew him blearily out of the depths of his clouded mind as he let his head rest more heavily upon Jaejoong’s shoulder. He didn’t respond, childishly pretending he was asleep just because he didn’t want this moment to end.
The other took a long slow breath, letting it out in a silent sigh. And Changmin wished he could see his face, wanting to know what expression accompanied the huff of air, what emotion Jaejoong might be unable to hide right now. But he couldn’t bear to lift his head.
Then Jaejoong was speaking quietly, almost as if to himself, but Changmin knew the words were meant for him. “I really can’t be close to you like this anymore, Min.” Changmin’s heart stilled and sudden silence seemed to press deep into his ears. “You understand, don’t you?” Jaejoong’s voice was so soft, much too gentle of a sound to justify the way Changmin’s heart was squeezing painfully. “I wont confuse you anymore…so please just start smiling again, okay?”
A hand lifted to brush lightly across his face. His eyes were screwed tightly closed, as if blocking out the world around him would make it untrue, would make it unreal, but the hand passed down to slide under his head before pushing him away firmly.
He slowly, ever so reluctantly sat back up, leaning away from the warmth that was Jaejoong and he couldn’t resist opening his eyes and glancing to the side. Jaejoong wasn’t even looking at him, turned resolutely away as he pulled his hands back to himself.
Why wouldn’t he even look at him? Why was he just standing up without another word…walking away without a backward glance?
Changmin didn’t know where he’d gone wrong. Yes, he’d rejected Jaejoong’s intimate touches, but he’d never meant for that to include interaction of all kinds. He hadn’t meant for it to be so devastatingly serious, so real and so permanent. Only until he’d figured things out…only until he’d gotten control over his own unruly heart…
He wanted to ask Jaejoong to wait for him. To stay by his side. But he was too weak. He could only let him go like this. And he knew he already regretted it more than anything. How could he have known that Jaejoong wouldn’t want to even be near him anymore? How could he ever take it back?
His eyes stung sharply, and he leaned his head slowly back against the wall. He felt more lost and bewildered than ever, and hadn’t the slightest idea of what he even wanted anymore.
The rest of the day passed in a blur to Changmin. The group was uncharacteristically quiet as they all seemed preoccupied with their own thoughts or hyper focused on the remaining work for the day.
Changmin went through the motions almost mechanically, letting his brain switch off and his body carry him along. The ride home was somber and quiet as they either stared stonily out of windows or leaned back into their seats with eyes closed, feigning sleep.
No one chose to break the silent agreement hanging over them, and Changmin felt so disheartened by the events of the day that even Yoochun’s warm hand slipping around his waist to steady him as he tripped climbing out of the van couldn’t melt the ice surrounding his heart.
He let Yoochun steady him, looking up to see the concern in his face and the faint glimmer of something that seemed to almost be an apology. For what Changmin didn’t know, but he didn’t pull away as Yoochun proceeded to drop his hand from his waist to take hold of his hand instead. Making their way inside, Changmin hardly felt the way Yoochun’s hand was warm around his, gentle tugs leading him in the right direction.
He was too preoccupied with the way Junsu shoved passed them almost stormily, bypassing the elevator to slam open the doors to the stairs. He couldn’t give thought to the way Yoochun didn’t drop his hand the whole elevator ride up, not with the way he could clearly feel Jaejoong’s eyes on them from where he stood quietly behind them.
He was too numb to care what he could be doing wrong at that moment, just giving in to the soft press of fingers that only too soon slipped away from his own as Yunho threw an arm around his shoulders instead, tugging him easily into his side.
Looking up into Yunho’s face, Changmin could only blink tiredly, unable to return the overly bright smile that shone down at him. Yunho was saying something about how he’d done a good job that day and to rest up, and he merely nodded in response, eyes following Jaejoong’s back as the eldest moved ahead of them to open up the front door of the apartment.
Changmin made to follow in behind Yoochun, but Yunho’s grip around his shoulders tightened slightly, keeping him pressed closely into the hard strength of his body. Turning back to look at him again, this time in confusion, he was met with a straight serious face, all traces of the silly grin painting his face merely moments before completely gone.
Yunho’s eyes were so warm and soft, watching him with nothing but concern and worry and Changmin started to feel foolish if not guilty. Everything that had gone wrong in their group these days really was his fault, and he had been too selfishly wrapped up in his own world to even think of how Yunho was trying so hard to patch things up and keep them running more or less smoothly.
“I’m sorry.” Changmin blurted before Yunho could even open his mouth.
The words seemed to surprise the older, who stared at him blankly for a few long heartbeats. Then he huffed a small laugh, a smile instantly back on his face.
“Don’t be an idiot, Changmin-ah. You’ve looked nothing but miserable these days, but none of this is your fault.” His free hand came up to ruffle Changmin’s hair affectionately, complete with sweetly curving eyes that crinkled in the corners with mirth. “I’ll take care of everything else, so can you just promise me something?”
His heart was clenching unpleasantly at Yunho’s words, a tight ache filling up his chest as Yunho brushed it all off so easily, read his mind so easily, and comforted him all in the same moment. Changmin felt himself fall with a rushing thud back into the present as Yunho continued to pin him with those caring brown eyes. He managed a small nod.
“I want you to promise me that you wont blame yourself for the way some people can’t seem to deal with stress.” His smile was becoming even more cheery as he spoke, soon to be blinding and Changmin couldn’t for the life of him find what was so happy in that moment, or what there was to smile about. Yunho was then chuckling in his face. “Your sour face is cute, Min, but do nothing for those eye bags. Why don’t you head in and go straight to bed? I’ll make sure the others give you some peace and quiet, okay?”
Unable to even manage a ghost of a smile, Changmin merely nodded again, although Yunho seemed content enough with that. With a final pat to his now thoroughly tussled hair, Yunho nearly dragged him to the door as he still refused to release Changmin from the one armed hug he had him in.
Squishing awkwardly through the door together, Changmin focused on toeing off his shoes while beside him Yunho began chattering about something or another, all the while keeping him hugged close against his body. Yunho was far from comfortable, all hard muscles and jutting bones but the heat that seeped through to warm Changmin’s skin was like a balm on his frazzled nerves.
It felt nice, and before he could really think about what he was doing, right there in the entry way, Changmin turned against Yunho’s arm to curl into his chest and envelop him in a tight hug. His arms found their way around the other’s neck, drawing him closely against himself as Yunho’s other arm automatically came up to wrap around his lower back.
Burying his face in Yunho’s shoulder, Changmin breathed in deeply, the scent of Yunho’s cologne mixed with the tang of sweat heady and pricking his nose sharply, but he didn’t turn away. That smell was so real and down to earth, so full of earnest effort and calm, steady acceptance. Everything that was Yunho. At that moment Yunho seemed so incredibly strong and unbreakable, wrapping him in an all encompassing embrace that was the exact thing he’d been craving all these days.
Yunho was silent for a while, holding him quietly as if waiting for him to speak, to spill out his distress and secrets, but Changmin didn’t intend to stay there for long, let alone let free any of the thoughts tormenting him at the moment. He just wanted to feel engulfed in someone bigger and stronger than him, regain his bearings and remind himself there was a shoulder to lean on when he couldn't stand on his own anymore.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Yunho whispered hotly into his ear, and the arms encircling him tightened, pressing him closer into Yunho’s broad chest.
It was a moment before Changmin realized the muffled sounds trickling into his other ear were actually coming from his own mouth, an almost mewling croak of a cry, and he was throwing himself back and away from Yunho in an instant, feeling mortified for breaking down out of nowhere without preamble and without even realizing nor being able to control himself.
He turned and promptly fled, leaving Yunho standing bewildered in the doorway, a large telltale wet spot bleeding across the fabric of his shoulder.
Changmin wiped furiously at his face, clearing it of all signs of his failure, of barriers worn too thin, and almost didn’t see that it was Jaejoong who he knocked shoulders with as he hurried down the hall. He ducked his head and rushed for the sanctuary of the bedroom, not sure if he imagined the soft inquiry from the other or not. He only wished to lose himself in the darkness of sleep so that he didn’t have to face the questions or the curious eyes, nor live through the awkward way they had all broken apart.
Flopping onto his stomach and burying himself under the blanket, he clenched his fists into the bed spread. He was sure everything that had gone wrong was because of him. Or was because of those seemingly innocent slips of paper that now seemed to burn through the bottom of the mattress and scorch his body where it lay.
For the first time since this had all started, Changmin considered throwing them out. He wondered if it would be relieving to just ignore them and destroy the evidence. Would it make everything go back to normal if he acted like nothing had changed? Would that make Jaejoong and Junsu treat him like before? He had no idea, as the two of them seemed like such different people these days.
He struggled with the idea for what seemed like hours, wanting to come to a decision yet unable to make up his mind. Nearly ready to scream with frustration, Changmin threw his blankets off, the darkness pressing in on him so quickly that he felt exposed and so alone.
Sometime during his time under the blankets, the room had filled with his band mates, each now dark lumps in their respective beds. He hadn’t heard them come in, his own thoughts too loud, and he tried not to let his eyes linger too long on a certain shadowy shape.
His heart hurt, and it was only getting worse. He didn’t know how to deal with it. He only knew that he needed someone. Someone to chase the trouble away, to comfort him…or just someone to listen to his struggles. If he could just get it all out of his head he would be able to sleep.
He knew there was only one person he could trust with that right now, but tried to hold himself back since he now knew that Yoochun was soon to be off limits. As much as he selfishly wanted to cling to Yoochun for the unassuming comfort he provided, the knowledge of where Yoochun’s heart lay was like a tickling itch in the back of his brain.
Unlike Yunho’s hard unshakable strength of earlier, Yoochun was so calm, like a warm sea he could sink into and know he was protected on all sides because Yoochun understood him, knew his heart inside and out, and there was nothing as amazing as that feeling of closeness between them.
But now there was Junsu. Hanging between them. And Changmin tried very hard to control himself, but felt he was growing steadily more desperate, more attached, and more transparent the more he fought it. Each minute lasted days and he knew he could only let go if he was resting in the protective circle of Yoochun’s arms, where he could let all his defenses down and just be his miserable self.
He wanted to cling to him, unveiling their shared burden grown much too heavy and painful to shoulder alone, and this desire above all the others was what made Changmin finally sit up in the dark, swing his legs over the edge of the bed and sneak quietly to the door.
Not only was he unable to trust himself to resist the urge to climb into Yoochun’s bed and wrap himself about him as if he were the only thing he had left, he was also unable to stand the stifling heaviness of the two awake bodies of Jaejoong and Junsu beside him; Yunho’s loud snores did nothing to drown out the unsaid words hanging in the air.
He slunk dejectedly out of the room, shoulders slumped against his own weakness of heart, knowing he was taking the cowardly way out but needing to find sanctuary in the living room. He couldn’t be near the two people who were tormenting him nor the one who promised to soothe all the pain away. It was too dangerous because he could easily get lost in either one.
Changmin planned to sleep on the couch until he found it occupied. Yoochun’s eyes glinted in the faint light of street lights glowing through the windows. Changmin stopped in his tracks, about ready to turn away but Yoochun had already opened the blanket, inviting him under, and his body moved before his mind could consider the pros and cons of cuddling with his hyung now of all times. He felt cracked and ready to shatter into pieces at the lightest touch.
It had taken so much courage to turn away and force himself to leave the bedroom behind, but that had been the extent of his power, and now the very temptation he’d been seeking to avoid was offering itself before him.
But here in the dark it was so much easier to let it all go and wrap arms around that warm comforting presence, icy cold feet touching warm ones. Hidden by night, it was so much easier to pretend they weren’t pressed chest to chest together, breath mingling and legs tangling.
It was easier to pretend that the clenching of his heart and the fluttering in his stomach were just figments of his imagination or accidents as warm, warm soft lips were suddenly pushing against his, opening his mouth with a press of a wet tongue that sent electricity coursing through him. His body was tingling and his stomach twisting, filling with a low pressure that while both pleasurable and intoxicating, was terrifying with the instant heady desire that it filled him with.
The feeling was so sweet, but tinged with a rush of adrenaline at the fact that they shouldn’t be doing this, denial and chest tightening fear of doing something so taboo, but so unable to stop.
And he didn’t care that this was his first real kiss, with his hyung of all people, who was probably his best friend. He didn’t care that they both loved another man when the hands that sunk into his hair, pulling him closer were so tender, the kiss loving, and Yoochun was stroking his tongue with his own in a slow leisurely way that sent him spiraling into nothing.
Yoochun didn’t ask, didn’t demand anything, but Changmin found himself giving into every touch, lost in pure feeling, head empty yet filled with glowing warmth as he clung to the other, slipping arms around Yoochun’s waist and holding onto him, pulling them even more fully against each other.
And it was so warm everywhere they touched, and he couldn’t breathe. All he could think, all he was aware of were those warms lips, caressing touches, and his heart ached so strongly he tried to shut his brain off. Because he didn’t want to think about what they were currently doing, and he didn’t want to stop.
He needed something so badly, but he had no idea what. And it felt like they only way to forget that driving feeling that was making him crazy, the only way to fill that gaping hole, was to get lost in Yoochun like this. It didn’t feel wrong, because Yoochun needed the same thing from him.
They just lay there in each other’s arms, kissing away their doubts, fears, and pains. Then Yoochun was shifting, a soft press of hands on his shoulders, pushing him down onto his back as Yoochun rolled on top of him.
And Changmin gave into the wordless request, because his body was on fire, heart thundering in his ears because now Yoochun was touching him gently, fingers running down his sides, and his body rose of its own accord to meet the soft caress. Driving him into spirals of sweet pleasure and he only wanted more. He needed more. Wanted to lose himself irreversibly in the feeling.
Their mouths met again, a little more deeply, a little more needy, and Changmin couldn’t stop the muffled sound that slipped from deep in his throat.
The moan made them both freeze where they lay, as if finally realizing exactly what they were doing, Yoochun with his lips still pressed against Changmin’s neck. Heavy breaths filled the dark air of the room and the soft voice that suddenly spoke sounded like a shout in the heated air.
“W-what are you guys doing?”
Changmin sucked in a gasp of shock as Yoochun’s whole body stiffened above him, the older lifting his head from Changmin’s skin. His eyes were wide, Changmin could see the white of them dimly in the dark.
“What.. What the hell are you doing?” Junsu’s voice wavered as it rose sharply in pitch, shrill with shock and disbelief at what he’d just walked in on. And Yoochun moved away from Changmin as if stung, leaving him shivering from the sudden lack of warmth.
He realized his shirt was pushed up to reveal his bare chest, easily visible as pale white against the dark color of the couch. He hurried to tug it back down as Yoochun scrambled to his feet, turning to face Junsu who was standing stiffly not five feet away.
It was as if reality came crashing down with a physical blow, and the pressure on his chest was suffocating. He had not just been making out with Yoochun, and Junsu had not just caught them in the act.
His whole body was still burning and aroused from Yoochun’s experienced touches, those ravishing kisses, and he felt slightly sick as the heat spread hotly up his neck and across his cheeks. He’d never felt so humiliated in his life, never felt he’d ever done something so horribly wrong, and he wanted to just disappear, to undo everything.
Shame and regret, and he couldn’t watch as Yoochun stumbled forward, reaching for Junsu, and even Changmin couldn’t make himself believe the choked desperate ‘It’s not what it looks like’ that filled air so stifling it seemed toxic.
Junsu didn’t move, letting Yoochun take both hands wildly in his own. Changmin could feel all the way from his spot on the couch the disbelief and anger coming off of Junsu in sharp waves, betrayal thick in his voice as he spoke in a biting whisper, sound rough and harsh.
“Hyung. How could you…?” His breath hitched as he gulped in a huge breath of air, “Was it you all this time?”
Yoochun was a sputtering mess of ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘just hear me out’s, and it seemed to take all of Junsu’s self control and strength to not turn away, to not reach out and strike the pleading man before him, to just stand his ground and listen to something nobody in the room wanted to hear.
“I didn’t write those letters to Changmin.” Yoochun pleaded, voice broken by the weight of their actions, their mistake.
Junsu let out a low disbelieving, mocking laugh. “Oh, really? So you don’t love him, but have no problem taking advantage of him? No qualms about seducing someone who’s the same as your little brother?”
Yoochun’s whole body slumped with the accusation, seeming unable to fight against it as it was too overwhelmingly huge. And Changmin was getting to his feet, rushing forward, because all he could think about was now yet another thing would be his fault, that he would be the one who was ruining Yoochun’s chance at love.
“That’s not it, hyung. It’s my fault. I…wanted to…I kissed him first.”
Both of them turned to look at him so fast he was struck dumb under the fierce attention now focused on him. Junsu’s eyes were huge with disbelief, while Yoochun’s looked so sharp and angry that Changmin’s breath caught. But he couldn’t be the cause of this. Couldn’t be the reason Yoochun lost the one he loved.
Junsu let out a long breath he seemed to have been holding. “Changmin-ah. Why…why would you cover for him? You honestly think I would believe that? You don’t have to protect him, I know what kind of a person he is. I know you’re too innocent to say no when he started doing things to you.” He turned his burning eyes onto Yoochun who was still staring at Changmin in a way that made his skin crawl and his whole body twist and burn uncomfortably.
And although the words weren’t directed at him, Changmin felt like his own heart had been trodden upon as Junsu nearly spit in Yoochun’s face. His opinion was nothing but harsh, and it tugged at Changmin’s heart because Yoochun wasn’t like that. He was anything but that. And Junsu had no idea that Yoochun was empty and bleeding inside. That it really was Changmin’s fault. And he took a step forward, wrapping Junsu in a tight hug even as the other struggled to get away.
“Let go of me. What’s gotten into you? Changmin!”
Changmin struggled to keep his grip, forcing the body within his arms to be still, pining Junsu’s arms against his sides to prevent him from escaping. To make him stop and listen. To beg him to hear what he had to say.
“Not until you listen to me!” he growled into Junsu’s ear. A hand fell upon his shoulder and he turned his head to find Yoochun looking at him with dark soulful eyes. The older man shook his head slowly, eyes pleading.
“Don’t do this, Min.” he whispered. “Please.”
But Changmin frowned, setting his jaw stubbornly. “I’m sick of this. No more hiding. And he needs to know. Either you tell him your way, or I’m doing it for you right now.”
Changmin stared boldly back into Yoochun’s distraught face, challenging him to back down. Either way he was going to see an end to this right here and right now. No more misunderstandings, between Yoochun and Junsu at least.
Pressed against him with his breath warming a spot his chest, Junsu had finally gone still. The words seemed to have gotten to him, the sudden hush filling the room so serious and Changmin loosened his arms, offering Yoochun his chance and smiling softly, sadly as Yoochun seemed to make up his mind. Yoochun promptly reached out and tugged Junsu out of Changmin’s arms and into his own.
Junsu seemed about ready to protest, but even Changmin could see the way Yoochun was holding him as if he were fragile and precious, a fleeting longing filling his chest as he knew that embrace could no longer be his.
“I’m sorry, Junsu.” Yoochun’s voice was low, full of emotion yet steady. “I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I’m not going to make any excuses…just believe me when I say I’m sorry. And that I’m going to make it up to you.”
Junsu sighed, standing stiffly within the circle of Yoochun’s arms, his own arms dangling uselessly by his sides. Changmin could see both hands were clenched into fists, and wondered if he should leave them alone. But he couldn’t make himself move.
“Whatever.” Junsu muttered darkly. “This has nothing to do with me, just don’t expect me to be happy for you two when-”
He was promptly cut off as Yoochun’s hands flew up to take the back of Junsu’s head in a firm grip, turning his face up and muffling the words with his lips. A chaste gentle kiss that Junsu was too shocked to reject. And the moment Yoochun started moving his mouth against his, asking for more, deepening it, Changmin felt his chest clench.
Maybe it was because just moments ago he’d been on the receiving end, feeling loved, enveloped in Yoochun’s warmth, and now he was standing alongside watching like an outsider. And he shouldn’t be there, he was intruding, but he saw the way that Junsu melted into the kiss, was kissing back and his throat closed up. It was all he needed to see to know how Junsu must feel, too.
But before he could turn and run away, before he could escape and let that feeling of being unwanted and unloved consume him, Junsu was shoving Yoochun roughly away, making him stumble backwards into Changmin’s arms which reached out to steady him automatically.
Junsu looked livid as he wiped his mouth furiously with the back of his hand. “Wh-What the hell- How dare you- You jerk! So Changmin’s not enough for you, you want to have a go at me too?”
Changmin wrapped his arms protectively around Yoochun, as if he could shield him with the act. But Yoochun shrugged him off quickly, standing tall before Junsu who was shaking so hard it was visible even through the dim light.
“Junsu-yah. That’s not it, please. I only did that to Min because I can’t…have you.”
Even though Changmin had known all along that was what it was, had been doing the same thing himself, the confession still hurt like hell, and he took a step backwards silently, biting his lip to stop the tears that suddenly threatened to pool in his eyes.
And Junsu seemed just as shaken as him. Was gaping at Yoochun stupidly. “You expect me to believe that? After everything I’ve seen…”
Yoochun stood his ground bravely, letting Junsu lash all his anger and hurt onto him. “I said I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for kissing you. It…won’t happen again. I just…”
Junsu was slowly puffing up, as if literally filling with hot air as his face flushed deep red. He seemed about ready to explode and Changmin didn’t know why Yoochun was just standing there, why he wasn’t trying again, why he wasn’t down on his knees begging when Junsu was the world to him.
“He’s totally in love with you, hyung.” Changmin choked on the words, ignoring the way Yoochun whirled on him, only looking into Junsu’s face, hoping he’d see that if coming from him…it must be the truth.
Junsu shook his head, looking ready to retort back, but now that it was said, out in the open, Changmin barreled forward. “He loves you. And he always has. I’m sorry…I thought he’d written the letters…and I was just so lonely…and I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry. You should be angry at me, not him. You have no idea how long he’s been-”
“And have either of you ever stopped to think about how I might feel?” Junsu burst out heatedly. “What if I want nothing to do with him? What if I don’t want him to love me? What if I love…love someone else?”
Silence rang in their ears as Junsu abruptly cut off, his face twisted in angry hurt. Changmin could only stare back at him dumbly, aware of the way Yoochun had frozen beside him, of the way Yoochun looked so stricken, the disbelief and heartbreak clear in his eyes.
“You…love someone else?” Yoochun choked on the words, a faint tremor rippling through his whole body.
Junsu glared at Yoochun in response, lips curved sharply down in a vicious frown. He didn’t seem to care that he was sufficiently killing Yoochun through mere words alone, didn’t seem to see the way Yoochun was breaking in front of him, and Changmin felt his own heart breaking as in a cold fury Junsu turned away from Yoochun and reached instead for Changmin’s arm.
He couldn’t speak or even pull away as Junsu’s fingers dug into his wrist, dragging him bodily from the room with a strength belying his small frame. Changmin stumbled after Junsu’s purposeful steps, looking desperately over his shoulder at Yoochun who was standing rigidly in the same place, following them with eyes that were silently screaming. Eyes that were raw and open, practically bleeding, and Changmin’s belated call of his name was lost in the dark as Junsu pulled him into their shared practice room and turned to shut the door and flip the lock.
Neither of them moved, nor reached to turn on the light. The small cramped windowless room was pitch black and it felt as if a blanket was pressed across his eyes. He could feel rather than see the way Junsu was leaning heavily against the door, each breath that passed through him short and suffering. He didn’t know if he should reach out to him or not, only too aware of what this all might mean. And he didn’t want it to even start to think about it.
The silence stretched between them as Junsu slowly calmed down, the long slow breaths now filling the dark the only indication that Changmin was not alone in the stuffy enclosed space. He was still too shocked and confused to know what to do, and he couldn’t get the last expression that had crossed Yoochun’s face out of his mind.
Why did Junsu bring him in here? Why did he drag him away from Yoochun and leave the other to fall apart with no one to catch him or piece him back together? No matter how angry or upset Junsu may be, they were the only ones who knew how fragile Yoochun really was and Junsu should know better than to leave him alone like that.
“I need to go to Yoochun.”
The words sounded oddly muted and disembodied in the dark, and Junsu’s breathing promptly stopped for a moment before continuing. His voice was breathy and only mere inches away from him as he spoke in a strained rush. “Changmin-ah, don't.”
“He needs me, hyung.”
“And I don’t?” Junsu whispered fiercely, now close enough that Changmin could feel the warm heat radiating from his body. And he was immediately at a loss for words as his chest tightened sickeningly. It couldn’t be…this was all wrong.
“Hyung?” His voice cracked pathetically, full of a broken question, a plea for Junsu to explain it if not deny it. But he couldn’t block out the way Junsu was now struggling to hold back obvious tears, a heartbroken whimpering sound filling the air, and he couldn’t push him away as a heavy head thudded into the center of his chest.
Junsu didn’t say anything, didn’t move to touch him except for where his head pressed against him, begging him to understand, to accept him, to forgive him, and Changmin felt something tearing open inside of him and he slowly lifted his arms to rest his hands on Junsu’s trembling shoulders.
The simple touch seemed to be all the permission Junsu needed to then sag against Changmin, twisting arms around his waist and stifling his soft sobs in the fabric of his shirt. And Changmin let him because there was nothing else that he could do.
He had thought that he was the only one loosened and falling apart at the seams, but the body shuddering against him and the no doubt devastated man out in the next room were more than enough to make him forget himself. And he felt so helpless. What could he do to comfort them? What could he do to make it all okay?
Junsu seemed to really need something from him, but he wasn’t sure that this wouldn’t do more damage than good. And he never had felt more inexperienced and young than he did at that moment when someone was leaning on him begging for comfort among other things he couldn’t even identify, so desperately needing him in a way he didn’t know how to give.
Long minutes later and Junsu seemed nowhere near stopping, an endless flow, a bottomless need that Changmin knew he couldn’t fill. Soon they were sitting in a heap on the floor, leaning against each other. Changmin was drained and empty, so tired that he couldn’t even make sense of what they were even doing there anymore.
He just knew he couldn’t let go, not with Junsu counting on him to make it all better. Even though he whispered the opposite into Junsu’s ears, he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend that it would be okay, because everything was slowly falling apart and he was powerless to stop it. He could only pray that the fall would end soon and they wouldn’t be too broken when they hit the bottom.
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next chapter: six~
A/N: oops~ i was so close to making things work out and then my muse just carried me off and made it more angst and confusion = = geez. i hope ur not sick of it! lol i gota clear this up soon ~~ :P
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