Waking up
I wake up from a dream where I decided that the only thing left was to jump off of a large building. Even in my dreams I'm unable to reach the goals that matter to me.
Lately I've been been feeling it at work. "Is this all there is?". "Now what?". I've been throwing increasingly harder challenges at myself, like a new job, and I'm completing them. A few days ago I finished a software program that I was proud of and that feeling turned so very hollow. I was enthusiastic about my program so I told friends and family about it, but it just made me feel the emptiness in my life all the more. The one true goal in life according to many Disney movies still eludes me.
I wish I could rip out the genetic imprint that makes me crave companionship. Destroy the drive for sex and just focus on more pure intellectual pursuits. But I keep getting dragged back. The things I am able to accomplish on my own bite back harder and harder instead of rewarding me. Nobody to share the good things with.
Currently I don't have much in the way of a pension, but thinking forward to me being 65 only brings angry tears. Anger for the injustice of me actually having to endure my current way of life for so long.
I don't know. I re-arranged my whole life already, but I still desperately need something to fulfill my life with.
Lately I've been been feeling it at work. "Is this all there is?". "Now what?". I've been throwing increasingly harder challenges at myself, like a new job, and I'm completing them. A few days ago I finished a software program that I was proud of and that feeling turned so very hollow. I was enthusiastic about my program so I told friends and family about it, but it just made me feel the emptiness in my life all the more. The one true goal in life according to many Disney movies still eludes me.
I wish I could rip out the genetic imprint that makes me crave companionship. Destroy the drive for sex and just focus on more pure intellectual pursuits. But I keep getting dragged back. The things I am able to accomplish on my own bite back harder and harder instead of rewarding me. Nobody to share the good things with.
Currently I don't have much in the way of a pension, but thinking forward to me being 65 only brings angry tears. Anger for the injustice of me actually having to endure my current way of life for so long.
I don't know. I re-arranged my whole life already, but I still desperately need something to fulfill my life with.