A matter of trust
Trust is not something I come by easily. There are many reasons why, and I think I'm aware of at least most of them, and as an adult, I try to find balance between a healthy amount of distrust in new situations and that more pathological I'll never trust anyone. To indulge in the latter would lead me down the road of loneliness, bitterness, and solitude, which I would like to avoid. I don't want to become one of those bitter, lonely old people that kids make fun of. (I've always felt sorry for those people, since they are made, not born that way.)
So, every now and then, I step outside my comfort zone and take a chance. And sometimes, it just bites me on the ass.
Several months ago, someone from my past came back into my life. I wasn't too sure at the time if it was a good idea, and things were a little tense at first as we worked through some unfinished business. I was clear with this person on what the parameters needed to be, what would make me happy, and especially what would make me unhappy. I mentioned these parameters numerous times. There were a few times when it wasn't working out, so I put some distance, only to have that person come back to me, initiate contact with me. This last time, I thought perhaps we were on the same page.
Come to find out, not so much. While I don't take issue with two people having different goals for a relationship, I do take issue when one party seemingly ignores the other's needs in that regards, and lets them think the relationship is A when really it's B. I also take exception to behavior that is fundamentally dishonest. I found out this week that this other person was doing things behind my back that showed they were not engaging me in the now, but rather through a rather distorted lens of the past.
We don't have an easy past, and I thought in many ways we had put much of that behind us. I felt it, I was told it by this other person. But still I find out this person has been playing into old patterns, seeing themselves as a victim, when nothing I've done since we came back into each other's lives has warranted that. They told me about talking to some of their friends about me behind my back, and well, let's just say those friends have never spoken to me, but they somehow think (according to this person) that they know everything pertinent, that they don't see how I could possibly misinterpret anything this person has ever done. In other words, once again, I'm somehow at fault for our breakdown in communication. Of course, the perceptions of people who are not me are irrelevant when deciding how I should I should interpret someone's actions. And given that these people have a very one-sided, skewed vision of things, how can they possibly think they have a good understanding of the situation? I would never presume to think that about any other group of which I am not an immediate part.
I can see where this person might be frustrated with me, if I'm looking for something they're not - although I have said what works for me and what doesn't. I don't understand why that person apparently never did anything with me without first telling several people about it, so that I couldn't make any accusations against them, so that these people would know everything. And why this person wouldn't tell me about this, even though they asked me to respect their privacy, which I was happy to do.
Sure, I don't get to decide who others tell things to about me (just as I could give all the names and dates about this story if I wished, which I don't care to), and they'd have no say in it. But to me, because this was done consistently over several months without my knowledge, based on a fear that I might do something to them, instead of looking at what I was doing now, to me, this becomes a matter of trust.
I cannot trust this person, not now, not ever. They were not engaging me in what I think is a fair manner. I have plenty from our past that could make me want to put lots of conditions on our interactions, but I believe people have the capacity for change. This person has been out of my life for quite some time. When a lot of time has passed, isn't it just possible that the parties involved have changed? I certainly have. I had hoped they had, and for a time I thought so. Now, I see that I was wrong. Instead of engaging with me now, they played games - perhaps not intentionally, but it's still games playing to me. It still hurt to see just how mired in the past they are, and frankly it angered me that they were holding me responsible for things I've already made amends for, while not accepting any responsibility onto themselves.
I cannot trust someone who will be that way with me. I'm not perfect, I'm not always right. But I'm certainly not always wrong, either. I let this person back into my life in an open, and honest way. And this was done at their initiation, not mine. I think they thought they were being open and honest, and I don't think they intended any bad feelings. But that doesn't mean they were in fact being honest with me, deserving of my trust.
I have a zero low tolerance for someone who will betray my trust like that, for someone who wants to put themselves into the role of victim. I just don't have time for that. So, despite this person's many, many fine qualities, I decided the negative was too great, and I told them to leave me be, to not contact me anymore, to stay out of my life. It doesn't feel good to do that, but I know it's the only thing I could do and still respect myself. And I won't give up my self-respect for anyone.
So, every now and then, I step outside my comfort zone and take a chance. And sometimes, it just bites me on the ass.
Several months ago, someone from my past came back into my life. I wasn't too sure at the time if it was a good idea, and things were a little tense at first as we worked through some unfinished business. I was clear with this person on what the parameters needed to be, what would make me happy, and especially what would make me unhappy. I mentioned these parameters numerous times. There were a few times when it wasn't working out, so I put some distance, only to have that person come back to me, initiate contact with me. This last time, I thought perhaps we were on the same page.
Come to find out, not so much. While I don't take issue with two people having different goals for a relationship, I do take issue when one party seemingly ignores the other's needs in that regards, and lets them think the relationship is A when really it's B. I also take exception to behavior that is fundamentally dishonest. I found out this week that this other person was doing things behind my back that showed they were not engaging me in the now, but rather through a rather distorted lens of the past.
We don't have an easy past, and I thought in many ways we had put much of that behind us. I felt it, I was told it by this other person. But still I find out this person has been playing into old patterns, seeing themselves as a victim, when nothing I've done since we came back into each other's lives has warranted that. They told me about talking to some of their friends about me behind my back, and well, let's just say those friends have never spoken to me, but they somehow think (according to this person) that they know everything pertinent, that they don't see how I could possibly misinterpret anything this person has ever done. In other words, once again, I'm somehow at fault for our breakdown in communication. Of course, the perceptions of people who are not me are irrelevant when deciding how I should I should interpret someone's actions. And given that these people have a very one-sided, skewed vision of things, how can they possibly think they have a good understanding of the situation? I would never presume to think that about any other group of which I am not an immediate part.
I can see where this person might be frustrated with me, if I'm looking for something they're not - although I have said what works for me and what doesn't. I don't understand why that person apparently never did anything with me without first telling several people about it, so that I couldn't make any accusations against them, so that these people would know everything. And why this person wouldn't tell me about this, even though they asked me to respect their privacy, which I was happy to do.
Sure, I don't get to decide who others tell things to about me (just as I could give all the names and dates about this story if I wished, which I don't care to), and they'd have no say in it. But to me, because this was done consistently over several months without my knowledge, based on a fear that I might do something to them, instead of looking at what I was doing now, to me, this becomes a matter of trust.
I cannot trust this person, not now, not ever. They were not engaging me in what I think is a fair manner. I have plenty from our past that could make me want to put lots of conditions on our interactions, but I believe people have the capacity for change. This person has been out of my life for quite some time. When a lot of time has passed, isn't it just possible that the parties involved have changed? I certainly have. I had hoped they had, and for a time I thought so. Now, I see that I was wrong. Instead of engaging with me now, they played games - perhaps not intentionally, but it's still games playing to me. It still hurt to see just how mired in the past they are, and frankly it angered me that they were holding me responsible for things I've already made amends for, while not accepting any responsibility onto themselves.
I cannot trust someone who will be that way with me. I'm not perfect, I'm not always right. But I'm certainly not always wrong, either. I let this person back into my life in an open, and honest way. And this was done at their initiation, not mine. I think they thought they were being open and honest, and I don't think they intended any bad feelings. But that doesn't mean they were in fact being honest with me, deserving of my trust.
I have a zero low tolerance for someone who will betray my trust like that, for someone who wants to put themselves into the role of victim. I just don't have time for that. So, despite this person's many, many fine qualities, I decided the negative was too great, and I told them to leave me be, to not contact me anymore, to stay out of my life. It doesn't feel good to do that, but I know it's the only thing I could do and still respect myself. And I won't give up my self-respect for anyone.