health updates: mental and physical

[renata29]

It's been a while. Usually is. I thought I'd start doing this again though because I think it's important. In addition to tracking migraines and other physical pain, however, I will also track my moods. My doctor said I might have bipolar or some "mood disorder." I was shocked to hear it, though when I think back on these last few years there are many times that I wondered if I didn't have something like that. (And wished for it even...at least it'd be an answer.) The word bipolar just sounded so severe though. I mean I've never thrown plates or anything like that. Anyways, that was on January 4, and now 6 weeks later I'm still not really sure. But I thought I'd start logging it anyways. The hard part will be logging when I'm feeling really depressed. I don't do *anything* then, except stuff I have to do like go to work. But I couldn't even do that last week. The last couple weeks, until maybe a couple days ago, were quite hellish. I was sad often, even if I had had a good day, at the end I was feeling like everything was terrible and my life was going nowhere. I had some serious anxiety, too. I wish I could remember the date, but let's say about 10 days ago, I actually had an anxiety attack. I was really tired for some reason so I took a nap during the day (I've been doing that less and less so it was kind of unusual). I was waiting -- [[cut out: I remember the dates now. It was from about Feb. 4 to 15, becasue I was waiting to hear back from the Puyallup job, that might be an interesting clue]] anyways I took a nap and was waiting for the news about whether I got the job or not (heard on the 16th, I did not get it), but while I was lying in bed I just got this huge fear of the phone ringing. I didn't particularly care which way the Puyallup job went, I was starting to lose interest in it anyways (bipolar symptom to be soooo excited about something and then just toss the interest away?) so I don't think it was out of any real fear of what the call would be about. I was also waiting, like I constantly am, for a call from Express Personnel to see whether I have a job assignment for the day. I hadn't yet told Express that I didn't want to work at the casino anymore bussing tables (not because the work sucked--I really enjoyed it--but the other workers were really cliquish). So that was my main worry, getting a call for a casino temp job offer and not knowing how to turn it down. So I was lying in bed breathing heavily and just feeling so worried I couldn't think straight or clearly, it was like I was *thinking* fear rather than *feeling* fear, a very different feeling indeed. I couldn't sleep well at all, at least it didn't feel like it, but then the phone DID ring and I think I had been asleep for a bit. I just laid there petrified and didn't answer the phone. I knew it was probably Express for some reason. Then, minutes later, the phone rang again. I thought I'd better see who it was. It was Mom! Although she was calling to say that Express had just called my cell phone, which is now my dad's property. So...I listened to the message they left and sure enough it was for an emergency job at the casino. So I decided to email back instead of call, and say that I didn't want any more jobs there. My caseworker thanked me for being direct and pretty soon I started getting good jobs. Some were less pay than bussing (no tips), but I enjoyed myself immensely more. As for the Puyallup thing, *I* had to be the one that called them to find out I didn't get it. Thought that was pretty annoying, especially since the editor had me hanging on for a week in which I blocked out any temp work so I'd be at home to answer the phone, costing probably about $250 for one week of no work...sigh... But then recently I've been very very excited, taking on so much which will probably bite me later. I accepted the Journal offer to do the Visitor's Guide from March through May, I signed a freelance contract with The Olympian, I inquired about volunteer opportunities at KAOS radio @ Evergreen (and I go in tomorrow to start "job shadowing" the Wednesday morning show). What else did I do? I started a new blog, http://renatarollins.blogspot.com . I pitched story ideas to The Olympian editor, most of which she said thanks but we don't use freelancers to write stories about stuff *that* interesting... I wrote to Corey Pein, an ex CPJer who is now a successful freelancer, for advice. I've been working jobs for Express, mostly at ABC PRinting where I collate materials. I've had the night jobs, even though I get up at 7 or 7:30 every day and then don't get home til 11:30 and still stay up for just a little bit. I've been working on like 5 or 6 hours of sleep so far this week (not including the weekend) and been relatively ok. Even now I'm typing up a storm, granted it's not very polished but that's why it's a live "journal", I'm trying to just let my thoughts flow. But the point is, I'm very manic right now, I'd say for the last couple days, probably since Sunday the 26th and it's now the 28th. I was gonna say for the last week, but that's not entirely true. I've still had anxiety issues. I have a couple more to report that I forgot about, also one more manic-induced activity: I've decided to pick up spanish and I have to say I'm doing a "heckuva job." I'm picking up more in the last couple days than I have in a long time. I can understand some song lyrics now, which is actually hard for me to do in English. Sounds pretty manic to me. Anyways, my anxiety problems to report: well, one was sort of minor but we had Ariel and Samra over on Friday night and I just felt really bad, like awkward, I guess because I was socially anxious. It's really hard for me to call them too, to set stuff up, but I feel bad having Will do it *all* the time (he does it for me lots of the time) because they're really MY friends first and his THROUGH me. I was the one to call and arrange everything this time, but it was hard. I felt embarrassed of almost anything I'd say. The bigger anxiety issue was LAST weekend, Friday the 17th, when Will and I went to a BRAC party for Bethanne. She's leaving BRAC to go to portland and prepare for applying to MPA programs. Anyways, at the party I was feeling soo bad. Just uncomfortable, self-conscious, shy, anxious, etc. I talked with Will and Ariel, but I didn't want to drag Ariel down by hanging out with her all the time. I mean she knew everyone there, it was her workplace, so why should she want to hang out with me? It makes me mad how self-pitying and all that sounds, but it *IS* the way I was feeling. So, gosh-darn livejournal-like. Anyways, Will and I went to an upstairs room to sign Bethanne's card, and I told him I didn't know how long I wanted to stay here. He was surprised and disappointed because he was having a good time and I think he thought if I left HE would have to leave. I told him I needed to go but he could call for a ride when the party was getting over with. I almost started crying and had to leave right away because I knew the next person that tried to talk to me I'd just burst into tears probably. I couldn't even say goodbye to Ariel, let alone Bethanne. Especially Bethanne. She's so over the top and energetic, she would have drawn a lot of attention to my leaving if I told her "good luck and all" so I couldn't. Selfish I guess but impossible to do anything else. As I drove away, I wanted to cry really really hard, cuz there was all this pressure built up inside of me. But I just couldn't. I mean I did cry, but not hard enough. As I was driving home crying, I just kept thinking, "when am I fucking going to realize that I have a problem?" (I always go back to feeling like everything's ok, and hey, why do i think i need to be on prescription drugs anyways? Nights like the 17th provide an answer.) I came home though and had a nice time drinking mandarin orange tea and putting together a photo album starting with pics from the summer before my freshman year of high school. I had a great time being by myself in the quiet. It was a little too quiet though...at about 1 o'clock I checked to see if there were any messages and the phone had gone out! (this was one of the record-breaking windy nights.) I quickly made my way to A-dorm to use the courtesy phone there and called the party house. Luckily things were still going strong so Will had not tried to call, but we set up a time for me to get him (2am) since the phones would still presumably be out. Anyways, he came home and we went to sleep. This is a long post but I basically needed the space to ramble about my moods over the past couple weeks. Hopefully I'll post close to daily in the future so they won't be so hard to follow. The main point is, I'm manic now as of say Sunday which is why I'm posting this now, I have the energy to post this now. I doubt I'll post reliably while i'm actually depressed because as I said above I don't feel like doing anything then, but we'll see. OH yeah and i should mention that I had my period during some of that bad time, I'd say from Maybe Feb 13 through 20 or so. Oh and looking at the calendar, I do recall specific anxiety on the 23rd when I had to talk to the GM of KAOS about volunteer applications. i felt like everything i said sounded awkward and stupid, and i hated my voice. i was so sweaty when i got back home that i just had to take everything off and wait to cool off. not a good feeling. meeting with the olympian editor later that day went surprisingly ok, even though she was a bit of a bitch. I also am realizing that I should try my best to record my LAST manic time period. I don't know the dates for sure, but it was sometime in span of January 30 to February 9 I think. I had gone up in late January, on the 30th and 31st, to the Puyallup Herald to do my test reporting/writing and get a feel for the office. I felt *soo* good about it the first day, then worried the second day because he said he needed someone for a few years, not "just a year". Yikes--I only had 6-7 months possibly! I agonized over whether to tell him. Then, all of the sudden, I started wanting to be a politician (manic? I think yes!). Yes, of course! A politician! I'd start by getting involved with the Thurston County democrats and impress them with my intelligence, dedication, and thoughts on where the party should go. Then if we move to Seattle, get involved with King Democrats, and as soon as a state seat opens, land the nomination! (I was a little more realistic than that, knowing I'd have to put in years before I'd get nominated, but it's what I really wanted to do.) So I started actively NOT wanting the Puyallup paper job, because it would limit my political activities ethically. So I thought, I'll just tell them I can only be in the area 6-7 months if they offer me the job, and if they still want me then I'll take it, but if not, no. So then the whole waiting period that i described above, and my interest in politics began to wane a bit, then I just decided still I'd tell them about my commitment issues, which I did, and heard back in a few days that I did not get the offer. A little hard...that combined with my period may have brought on the anxiety because I felt oddly inadequate. It had never mattered to me before, but all of the sudden I hated it when people asked me how i was doing looking for work, especially at the BRAC party. I was embarrassed at my lack of success, especially after I got such a good journalism education from Dianne. I felt like I was letting her, or other Dianne alumni, down.

For physical health: i've had a couple migraines in the past few days but overall I think i'm having less "chronic" pain. I've had some sore muscles from the exercising I've been doing, mostly sore in the upper body from the elliptical machine I think. I have good news though, I lost 10 pounds! I have never to my knowledge lost weight before. I wonder if it gets easier or harder now that I've broken the pattern of upward motion. I also wonder if the weight loss or stronger muscles or something is making me have less chronic type pain? I guess time will tell, and I should remember to record those types of things in this journal as well.