time to update i guess
ok, well i guess it's about time i updated huh?
i've not been home for the past few weeks, except the weekends. i finally got to a point where i realised that i seriously needed to do something regarding my eating disorder. and my distorted body image. so i was hospitalised. i'm home at the moment because i am allowed to leave for the weekends (though this weekend i very nearly wasn't allowed to go because i've kinda been naughty lol)
when i was admitted into hospital i weighed just under 40 kilos. which is REALLY not good. i had a severe kidney infection, and they thought i might have done some serious damage to my heart and kidneys because of my lifestyle. but luckily both shall be fine if i continue to look after myself. i now weight 46.2 kilos. which is hell scary to me. but at the same time, i know it's a hell of a lot more healthy then i was. My doctors say that for my height i should be at least 50 kilos. and as much as i don't ever want to weigh that much, i know in order to actually be healthy, (and to get myself out of that bloody hospital) i need to reach that goal, and prove that i can maintain that "healthy" weight. it's been hard getting as heavy as i am now, so i'm seriously freaking out about another 4 kilos. but i do notice the change in my head space while being in the hospital. sure, my body image is still distorted, and i have my fat days. but i'm starting to feel normal again. i'm not constantly thinking of my weight, and i'm not constantly counting calories, or checking fat contents on food etc. so that's a good thing.
i've even started to use my time in hospital for the better. i don't just sit in my psych sessions and clam up and not say anything, i actually talk. depending on my mood at the time i can pretty much talk about anything from the weather, to serious shit like how i feel about my dad's death.
Joel has been my rock. without him, i don't think i would be dealing with it all as well as i am now. and being in the hospital he works at is a bonus, because he will come up to my ward on his breaks and just sit and talk with me. or if i can't sleep i can sneak downstairs to the ER and chat with him while he's working. or if he's busy just veg out in the staff tea room and talk to whomever is in there at the time. it's not too bad i guess. though i really do wish i was home. they reckon i will be in there another three or so weeks.
i miss my kids like crazy, but at the same time i try and talk joel into not bringing them into the hospital, maybe because i don't want them too see me as weak, hell i don't really know. and i know it upsets them that i'm not home. it's hard them coming in for an hour or so a few days a week, and then them leaving without me. Rachael takes it pretty badly . aand tj doesn't understand why mummy can't go home and tuck her into bed at night. so it's weekends that i cherish. i just have to make myself better and then i will be able to go home and live a normal life. be the mother that is there for her children no matter what, and the loving wife to joel that he wants me to be. i mean don't get me wrong, i adore joel. but i know with my own issues, im not as giving of myself as i could, and even should be. i tend to forget that he's my husband and he cares, and that he wants to know whats going on in my head, and i shut him out. which is stupid of me because he wants to support me but half the time i don't let him, and i know that frustrates him big time.
i sometimes sit back and wonder what the hell i did to deserve such an amazing man. and such gorgeous kids (who sure can be ratbags sometimes, but what kid isn't occasionally right?)
this is insane, i am so freaking tired, but i can't sleep. joel and i went to bed ages ago and i've done nothing but toss and turn, and kick off the blankets, then steal them all off joel (lol) ever since coming to bed. it's like i ahve way too much goign on in my head to sleep. though my body is exhausted.
Felicity keeps waking up. have a feeling she is teething. poor thing. so can't wait until she is actually old enough to move to her own room downstairs with the rest of the kids lol. at the moment we have been using the room off our room as a nursery/office. but when she is a little older we will use it just as the office.
with all the spare time i have while in hospital i get crap loads of time to just sit and think. something i don't get to do often at home. it's great. though sometimes i think it's too damn quite and i long to hear my kids arguing or something lol.
went for a ride on my horse earlier. poor thing still has no name lol. and he must have got spooked by something, more then likely just a shadow of the trees on our porperty becasue the sun was setting. and this horse is scared of its own shadow, anyway he reared up and bucked me off. i landed flat on my back on a bunch of sticks and tree roots. freaking hurt like mad, and my butt feels bruised lol. my elbow has a huge cut on it from who knows what digging into me. we bought another horse this weekend, but she hasn't been broken in so once i'm out of hospital i guess i am going to have to break her in. she's fairly wild. gorgeous animal baut i don't trust her around people at the moment. she wont let joel anywhere near her. not that he goes near the horses they scare him lmao.
and here i am just rambling because i can't sleep and it's 5am. so i guess i shall stop now because my typing is getting REALLY bad as i can barely keep my eyes open. now if i can get joel to give me some blanket back and to freaking move over i might actually be able to sleep!
Night.
i've not been home for the past few weeks, except the weekends. i finally got to a point where i realised that i seriously needed to do something regarding my eating disorder. and my distorted body image. so i was hospitalised. i'm home at the moment because i am allowed to leave for the weekends (though this weekend i very nearly wasn't allowed to go because i've kinda been naughty lol)
when i was admitted into hospital i weighed just under 40 kilos. which is REALLY not good. i had a severe kidney infection, and they thought i might have done some serious damage to my heart and kidneys because of my lifestyle. but luckily both shall be fine if i continue to look after myself. i now weight 46.2 kilos. which is hell scary to me. but at the same time, i know it's a hell of a lot more healthy then i was. My doctors say that for my height i should be at least 50 kilos. and as much as i don't ever want to weigh that much, i know in order to actually be healthy, (and to get myself out of that bloody hospital) i need to reach that goal, and prove that i can maintain that "healthy" weight. it's been hard getting as heavy as i am now, so i'm seriously freaking out about another 4 kilos. but i do notice the change in my head space while being in the hospital. sure, my body image is still distorted, and i have my fat days. but i'm starting to feel normal again. i'm not constantly thinking of my weight, and i'm not constantly counting calories, or checking fat contents on food etc. so that's a good thing.
i've even started to use my time in hospital for the better. i don't just sit in my psych sessions and clam up and not say anything, i actually talk. depending on my mood at the time i can pretty much talk about anything from the weather, to serious shit like how i feel about my dad's death.
Joel has been my rock. without him, i don't think i would be dealing with it all as well as i am now. and being in the hospital he works at is a bonus, because he will come up to my ward on his breaks and just sit and talk with me. or if i can't sleep i can sneak downstairs to the ER and chat with him while he's working. or if he's busy just veg out in the staff tea room and talk to whomever is in there at the time. it's not too bad i guess. though i really do wish i was home. they reckon i will be in there another three or so weeks.
i miss my kids like crazy, but at the same time i try and talk joel into not bringing them into the hospital, maybe because i don't want them too see me as weak, hell i don't really know. and i know it upsets them that i'm not home. it's hard them coming in for an hour or so a few days a week, and then them leaving without me. Rachael takes it pretty badly . aand tj doesn't understand why mummy can't go home and tuck her into bed at night. so it's weekends that i cherish. i just have to make myself better and then i will be able to go home and live a normal life. be the mother that is there for her children no matter what, and the loving wife to joel that he wants me to be. i mean don't get me wrong, i adore joel. but i know with my own issues, im not as giving of myself as i could, and even should be. i tend to forget that he's my husband and he cares, and that he wants to know whats going on in my head, and i shut him out. which is stupid of me because he wants to support me but half the time i don't let him, and i know that frustrates him big time.
i sometimes sit back and wonder what the hell i did to deserve such an amazing man. and such gorgeous kids (who sure can be ratbags sometimes, but what kid isn't occasionally right?)
this is insane, i am so freaking tired, but i can't sleep. joel and i went to bed ages ago and i've done nothing but toss and turn, and kick off the blankets, then steal them all off joel (lol) ever since coming to bed. it's like i ahve way too much goign on in my head to sleep. though my body is exhausted.
Felicity keeps waking up. have a feeling she is teething. poor thing. so can't wait until she is actually old enough to move to her own room downstairs with the rest of the kids lol. at the moment we have been using the room off our room as a nursery/office. but when she is a little older we will use it just as the office.
with all the spare time i have while in hospital i get crap loads of time to just sit and think. something i don't get to do often at home. it's great. though sometimes i think it's too damn quite and i long to hear my kids arguing or something lol.
went for a ride on my horse earlier. poor thing still has no name lol. and he must have got spooked by something, more then likely just a shadow of the trees on our porperty becasue the sun was setting. and this horse is scared of its own shadow, anyway he reared up and bucked me off. i landed flat on my back on a bunch of sticks and tree roots. freaking hurt like mad, and my butt feels bruised lol. my elbow has a huge cut on it from who knows what digging into me. we bought another horse this weekend, but she hasn't been broken in so once i'm out of hospital i guess i am going to have to break her in. she's fairly wild. gorgeous animal baut i don't trust her around people at the moment. she wont let joel anywhere near her. not that he goes near the horses they scare him lmao.
and here i am just rambling because i can't sleep and it's 5am. so i guess i shall stop now because my typing is getting REALLY bad as i can barely keep my eyes open. now if i can get joel to give me some blanket back and to freaking move over i might actually be able to sleep!
Night.