Fic: Muse Chapter 8/17
Title: Muse
Author: remuslives23
Summary: Remus is a struggling artist who loses his confidence after a car accident. He goes back to basics to try and rediscover his talent and meets a man who inspires him both professionally and personally. AU. Slash.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling and affiliates. All characters are above the age of consent. I make no money from this fan fiction; I just like playing with them.
Author's Note: Thanks to plarpatubin for your prompt, ta to lupinlicious for pointing me towards the prompt, and love, love, love to dogsunderfoot for constant support, correcting of ridiculously basic errors and for insisting this wasn’t crap when I was absolutely certain it was. Thanks so much for your interest in Chapter seven. Enjoy this!
Chapter Eight
‘Don’t you have a home to go to, Black?’
Bugger!
Sirius coughed, waving his hand frantically to try and disperse the smoke wafting around his head as he quickly squashed the cigarette he’d been smoking in a nearby ashtray. He sat up on the couch, peering over the back of it to see a redheaded woman glaring at him.
‘Hey, Lily,' he said. 'Sorry, I didn’t expect you to pop around.’
‘That’s obvious,' she snarled, waving a hand in the smoke-scented air. 'At least it wasn’t a joint, I suppose…and I’m living here now, remember? Unlike you - not that you’d know it.’
She stomped into the kitchen and Sirius groaned. He had forgotten that James’ fiancée, Lily, had moved in with his best friend a few days ago. He’d been a bit caught up over the last few weeks with what was fast-coming his new addiction - Remus. The other man was at work though, and Sirius - hating to rattle around alone in his own empty, bare flat - had gone to James’ flat for refuge. He was now regretting that decision as, realising a lecture was forthcoming and figuring he may as well get it over with, he followed the slightly built woman into the kitchen.
He was correct; the lecture was one of the nursing student’s best - touching on the effect cigarettes and his occasional joint would have on his health, his lack of direction in general and more specifically, his miserable job prospects. She then moved onto his unhealthy reliance on James, the fact that she was sick of feeding him and hearing the roar of his motorbike (or ‘that death trap’ as she referred to it). By the time she finally reached the last subject in her diatribe - his complete reluctance to visit or even acknowledge his estranged family - Sirius had had enough and made a warning sound in his throat. Lily quickly - sensibly - dropped the taboo topic of Sirius family, knowing she‘d pushed him too far. The only area of his life she had missed in her rant was his love life, Sirius relieved at the omission until he realised that she was saving what she considered the only positive in his life until last.
‘At least your love life is looking up,’ Lily said with a suggestive leer she must have learnt from him. ‘James said you’ve got a new bloke. When do I get to meet him?’
Sirius sighed. Remus was the reason for the rarely-indulged-in-these-days cigarette. Sirius only smoked when he needed to keep his mind off other things…and he’d been doing his best not to think of Remus today. Not because anything had gone wrong or they’d rowed…just the opposite, in fact. They were getting along as if they’d known each other forever and had seen each other almost every day in the last two weeks. The problem was that each time they were together, Sirius could feel the other man getting deeper and deeper under his skin and now, in terror, he was trying desperately to halt the freefall by not thinking about the man. He’d even cancelled their date for tonight, claiming a forgotten engagement so he could get some space. Things were getting too intense, too much like something he’d known once before, and he couldn’t face those long forgotten emotions…not yet.
And I haven’t even slept with him.
Not that they’d been completely celibate either. A smile curled Sirius’ lips as he recalled the hours he and Remus had spent on the couch in the artist’s studio in varying stages of undress. The man, who seemed quite timid at first glance, promised to be an enthusiastic and inventive lover - making him all the more attractive to the equally as resourceful Sirius. They seemed to complement each other beautifully in every aspect of their relationship…and it scared Sirius to death. Which is why each time they had begun to get hot and heavy, Sirius didn’t mind that the still-self conscious Remus directed them towards blow jobs or a mutual wank. He was afraid to find out how far and how hard he could fall for this man.
‘I’ve only known him a few weeks, Lil,‘ he said, trying to hose down the woman’s exuberance. ‘It’s early days yet.’
She looked surprised, putting the last of the groceries away. ‘James said you really seemed to be hitting it off.’
‘We are,' Sirius insisted. 'I just…don’t want to…rush anything…it’s not…we’re not…a couple or anything…’
‘What’s wrong with him?’
‘Nothing!’ Sirius said indignantly. ‘Absolutely nothing. He’s…amazing. It’s just…I don’t…do we have to talk about this?’
Lily stared at him, her green eyes uncomfortably piercing. She had a way of ferreting out the very things you were trying to hide from her and this time was no different.
‘You really do like him, don’t you?’ She grinned suddenly, a little giggle escaping. ‘Oh my God! Sirius Black - the all-shagging king of man whores - has got it bad.’
Sirius glared at her. ‘You know, Evans, I have trouble seeing what James finds attractive about you.’
She snorted her laughter and turned to get a couple of soft drinks out of the fridge. ‘Come and tell me all about it.’
His reluctance must have shown on his face because she raised an eyebrow. ‘What? Are you going to talk to James about your boyfriend troubles?’
She had a point - James had a rather delicate stomach when it came to talking about relationships, straight or bent. It had taken nearly seven years for him to propose to his high school sweetheart, Lily. Of course, her ultimatum of ‘propose or I’m off to shag my way through London’ might have had a lot to do with it.
Sirius took the offered drink but refused the offer of a ‘chat’. ‘He’s not my boyfriend, Lily. We’re just hanging out…’
Lily cocked her head. ‘You’ve spent every minute with him for the last fortnight - when you’re not taking up space on mine and James’ couch - and James reckons he hasn’t seen you so happy in years…’
‘James needs to learn to shut his damn trap,’ Sirius grumbled, taking a big gulp of his cola.
Lily bit her lip as she scrutinised Sirius, her face showing the battle going on inside her. Finally, she made a decision and asked, ‘Does this commitment phobia have something to do with why you don’t see your family?’
Sirius’ face darkened and he warned, ‘Lily…’
‘Your trust issues could stem from…’
‘Lily, James loves you which is why you still have all your pretty red hair attached to your head. I will not talk about this with you. Now, change the subject.’
Lily looked mutinous then sighed. ‘Fine.’ A sly expression spread across her face and she smirked. ‘You can help me choose a colour for my bridesmaids’ dresses instead.’
Sirius groaned and offered a token resistance, but allowed her to drag him to the couch for the ‘girl talk’. Anything to avoid the painful topic of his family and the reasons he didn‘t care to discuss them.
--
‘Thank Christ you’re home. I don’t think I can stand to talk about corsets or heels or debate the benefits of g-strings versus support garments anymore without my cock falling off.’
James chuckled, throwing his keys and his football kit onto the kitchen counter and grinning at Sirius. ‘Lily’s home then.’
Sirius groaned and nodded. ‘For a couple of hours now,' he confirmed morosely. 'She’s been going on about the wedding and throwing in some yap about trust and communication and listening…I tuned out after a few minutes, to be honest, so I’m not sure what else she said.’
Laughing, James grabbed a beer from the fridge and offered one to Sirius, who took it gratefully.
‘As I’ve been very well-behaved and obedient of late, I’m assuming this deep and meaningful discussion about communication and trust was all about you and Remus?’ James said, popping the cap of his drink.
Sirius nodded, gulping mouthfuls of bitter ale before answering. ‘Yes, and one day when you least expect it, I’ll thank you properly for mentioning him to Lily.’
James grinned, sipping at his own beverage. ‘So, why aren’t you out with him tonight?' he asked. 'I’ve almost forgotten what you looked like this last couple of weeks you‘ve been so wrapped up in him. Or is that tied up?’
The bespectacled man laughed at his own joke, but Sirius’ smile faded and he attempted an evasion. ‘How was training today?’
James raised his eyebrows and put on his best commentary voice. ‘And Black neatly, but not at all subtly sidesteps the question. But Potter is like a dog with a bone, chasing down answers…not afraid to use force to get what he wants…’
‘I hate football.’
‘So?’
‘So stop using all those analogies and that stupid voice…’
‘I mean, 'so why aren't you with Remus', you complete tosser!' James said in exasperation. 'What’s happened?’
‘Oh.’ Sirius shook his head, avoiding James' eye. ‘Nothing. Just wanted a night with you guys.’
‘Kick you out of bed, did he?’ James smirked.
‘Haven’t been to bed yet,' Sirius retorted and James looked surprised.
‘Really?' he asked. 'Normally you’ve got them on their hands and knees in a day or two…’
‘Can we not talk about Remus being on his hands and knees, please?' Sirius begged as the visual image prompted an immediate physical response. 'Not unless you want me to start humping your leg in desperation. That man has a fine, fine arse.’
James grimaced but bravely tackled the issue. ‘So he isn’t putting out?’
Sirius fidgeted uncomfortably, knowing James would see straight through any excuse he offered. ‘It’s not…we’re taking it slowly, that’s all.’
James stared at him in complete disbelief, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for Sirius to elaborate.
Sirius grunted in frustration and leaned against the fridge. ‘I want to, he wants to, I think, but…’ He shook his head and James’ forehead creased in concern.
‘Sirius?’
‘It scares me, okay!’ Sirius blurted out. ‘This…thing between us…I don’t…I don’t want it. I don’t want all this…stuff…again…’
‘Sirius,' James said gently. 'Remus would never betray you like they did; like Connor did.’
Sirius turned away from James at the mention of the man whose name hadn‘t crossed his lips in close to ten years, but James shifted to maintain eye contact. ‘I know how hard it is for you to put your faith in someone after what that prick did to you,' he said. 'But don’t let Remus get away because Connor was weak. Don’t let him or your parents influence your decisions like this.’
Sirius frowned at James and opened his mouth to respond but just then, Lily appeared in the doorway, greeting James effusively. Sirius watched as his friends snogged unashamedly. Despite his teasing that Lily was nothing but a vice around James’ balls, he could see how much they loved each other and knew that they trusted the other implicitly with their life and with their heart. They were a perfect fit - and as he watched them, Sirius missed Remus like he’d miss a lost limb. He didn’t feel right - hadn’t felt right all day, he now realised - and the fact that Remus’ absence had a physical and an emotional manifestation within him came as a shock to Sirius. He didn’t like this revelation one bit, but he had to see Remus; had to get rid of this horrible ache of longing inside.
He finished his beer and slammed it down noisily on the counter. ‘I’m off then.’
James and Lily broke apart and stared at him. ‘Where…?’ James began.
‘I’m off to see Remus,' Sirius told them, trying to sound nonchalant. 'I need a good shag to cheer me up.’
Lily frowned admonishingly, but James smirked. ‘Have fun!’ he called before he turned back to Lily, sliding a hand up her shirt.
Sirius tried to smile, pissed off at himself for needing Remus like this, and mumbled a farewell before stomping noisily down the stairs. He started up his bike and the tyres screeched as he pulled out onto the street.
~*~
‘Oh, it’s you.’
Sirius wasn’t sure what to say to the less than enthusiastic greeting, but Peter was grinning as he waved him into Remus’ flat.
‘I thought you might be the booze…ah!’
A pretty woman with dark brown hair carrying two six packs of beer appeared behind Sirius who quickly stepped into the flat to let her through the door.
‘Brilliant, Mares. I love you.’ Peter kissed the woman on her pink cheek then turned back to Sirius. ‘This is my girl, Mary. Mary, this is Remus’ bloke, Sirius.’
A shot of mingled panic and joy zipped through Sirius when he heard himself described as Remus’ but he just smiled and shook the woman’s hand.
‘We’re cooking,’ Peter called back as he walked into Remus’ sparse kitchen. ‘He doesn’t eat properly when he’s caught up with work if we don‘t. He’s in the studio. You can tell him dinner’s ready while you’re there.’
Sirius moved down the hall and knocked on the door to the spare room/studio. There was no answer so he poked his head inside, seeing Remus sitting in front of his easel, attention focused on the canvas in front of him. Sirius quietly walked towards him, stopping when he saw that Remus was working on a painting of him. Sirius smiled, recognising the pose. Remus had taken the sketch from that night Sirius had posed nude and was using it to paint the most fantastic portrait; the colours, the brush strokes, the emotion pouring from the image all combined harmoniously to make the painting incredible and full of life.
Remus sat back just then with a sharp exhale of air and Sirius stepped forward.
‘Hi.’
The artist spun around in his seat, smiling broadly when he saw Sirius. ‘Hi yourself!' he said cheerfully. 'Didn’t think I’d see you tonight; what happened to your plans?’
Sirius smiled and shrugged. ‘I’d rather be here, I guess,’ he said evasively.
Remus flushed and Sirius clenched his jaw as his stomach flipped, anxiety and anticipation fighting for dominance. ‘So,’ he said, forcing himself to sound casual. ‘This is looking great.’
Remus turned back to the painting and nodded. ‘It’s coming along,' he agreed, dragging a hand through his hair. 'Did I tell you I got another commission? And, if it’s good enough, it can go in the showing first. It’s a landscape which is great because that’s exactly what I needed to round the collection out…’
Sirius couldn’t help himself - Remus just looked so bloody kissable with those pink cheeks and that sparkle in his eyes. He leaned over and kissed those soft lips, effectively shutting the other man up and when he pulled back, he got another breathtaking smile for his trouble.
‘It’s good to see you, Sirius,’ Remus said quietly, standing up and sliding his arms around the brunette’s waist. ‘Really good to see you.’
Sirius smiled then met Remus’ lips with his own, feeling that ache inside ease as soon as he did.
Fuck. I’m done for.
‘Oh sorry.’
They broke apart from a kiss that was promising to lead to interesting things to see a not-at-all-sorry-looking Mary standing in the doorway.
‘Peter sent me to fetch you both,' she said, her voice amused. 'Dinner’s ready and he’s hungry, but a little frightened of what he might find if he comes in here. I, however, was most willing to take the chance on seeing some nudity. Imagine my disappointment that you are both still fully clothed.’
Both men laughed, and Remus gripped Sirius’ hand as they walked back to the kitchen.
--
Dinner was pleasant. Mary told them stories about her job as a bartender, keeping them laughing. Peter bored them with a play by play of the last weekends footy match, then talk turned to Sirius.
‘What do you do for a job, Sirius?’
The brunette looked at the curious Mary and smiled. ‘I’m between jobs right now,' he told her. 'I’ve done a few odd jobs - bar work, courier work, factory work - but I’ve never really found anything I’m interested enough to stick with.’
Peter burped loudly then said caustically, ‘That go for blokes as well?’
‘Peter.’
The warning in Remus’ voice was enough to shut Peter up and Mary tried to cover the uncomfortable silence.
‘Where do your family live, Sirius?’
Sirius blanched a little. ‘Er, here in London,' he muttered. 'I…I don’t see them. We…have very different ideas on what constitutes a happy life.’
‘You don’t see them at all?’ It was Remus who asked the question in a gentle tone and Sirius shook his head in answer then changed the subject hastily.
‘James wants to get together for a drink, Peter…’
--
Peter and Mary left soon after - the atmosphere a little strained and awkward now - and Sirius made a move to leave as well.
‘Do you have to?’ Remus asked softly, putting a hand on Sirius’ arm. ‘Can you stay a while and talk?’
Sirius hesitated then smiled, hanging his jacket back on the hook near the door. ‘Sure.’
His heart skipped a beat when Remus smiled and he couldn’t work out if he wanted to turn tail and run, or throw himself at the other man and kiss him until he became a part of him. As neither option was acceptable, he followed a beer-totting Remus into the small living room and sat next to him on the couch.
‘Tell me about your family.’
Sirius raised a surprised eyebrow. ‘You don’t beat around the bush,' he said, trying not to bolt from the room.
Remus leaned back against the cushions, his arm resting along the back of the chair. ‘Sirius, you’ve come in my mouth more times than I can count and I don’t know the first thing about you. I think it’s time we shared more than bodily fluids…don’t you?’
Sirius couldn’t help his self-deprecating smile and he nodded in agreement. ‘Yeah, I guess. You…you go first.’
Remus rolled his eyes at the blatant delaying tactic, but did as he was told, telling Sirius about his parents who were both deceased, his middle-class childhood in Wales, his realisation in his last year of school that his disinterest in women wasn’t because he was a dedicated art student with no time to date, but because he was far too interested in men, his move to London and his struggles to gain recognition as an artist.
‘Your turn,’ Remus said, curling up on the couch an hour and a half later. ‘Tell me about you.’
Sirius reached for the last beer and popped the top. He was just about tipsy enough now for this conversation and took a deep breath.
‘There’s not all that much to tell. I never really got along with my parents - they both came from very strict, religious families and bought us up the same way. I started questioning their faith when they started slagging off James and his parents for not having the same beliefs.’
‘Which were?’
‘In a nutshell, those who didn’t believe as they did, dress as they did, talk as they did, look like they did, didn’t deserve to breathe the same air and were going to reside in a fiery hell for all eternity,' Sirius said, trying to keep the depth of his parent's obsession to himself. 'Looking back now, I realise that they were heavily involved in a cult, but at the time it just seemed restrictive…ridiculous. They gave up everything of themselves - their independence, their freedom of choice, their own beliefs - and put their total trust in the complete crap the leader kept spouting. It was part-religion, part-fanaticism and I just couldn’t understand how they could put believe in something so intangible and give up their free will, their own minds, in return. Whenever I challenged them, I got a backhander for my troubles.’
Remus looked aghast. ‘They hit you?’
Sirius shrugged. ‘Yeah. And my brother, but he…’ Sirius let out a humourless laugh. ‘Maybe Regulus was smarter than me because he just agreed with every word that came out of their mouths; became their golden boy while I was dragged to interventions to try and force me back onto the path of the light.’
Remus looked shaken and reached out, taking Sirius’ hand. ‘Shit,' he whispered, horrified. 'That’s horrible, Sirius.’
Sirius closed his fingers around Remus’ and squeezed lightly. ‘I left home when I was sixteen,' he continued, leaving a large portion of his story out. 'I told them I fancied blokes and they went mental. Screaming about hellfire and eternal damnation…I went to James’ place and stayed there until I bought my own flat.’
It was the truth, but not the whole truth. For that, he would have to be a lot drunker.
‘How…?’
‘…did a bludger like me afford my own place?’ Sirius anticipated the question and smiled at Remus. ‘My uncle Alphard - the only relative I could stand - died just after I left home. He left everything to me. It wasn’t a fortune, but it was enough to buy my flat and to keep me fed and clothed. I guess that’s why I haven’t really bothered to settle down to a job. I have enough to get by and if I need more than the doled out monthly allowance, I get some casual work.’
‘You don’t see your brother?’ Remus asked cautiously and Sirius' jaw clenched.
‘No,' he said softly. 'Reg…Reg died a few years back. He was doing some recruitment work for the cult and got beaten up by a group of thugs he was trying to convert. Yet another thing those bastards took from me.’
‘God, Sirius, I‘m sorry,' breathed Remus, shocked. 'I‘m so fucking sorry.’
Sirius shook his head, his face grim. ‘The idiot told them they were going to hell for the way they lived their lives. They told him that they’d see him there first.’ He heard his voice waver and cleared his suddenly constricted throat.
‘Sirius…’
Remus shifted closer, one hand snaking around the brunette’s neck, tangling in the soft hair at the nape, and laying the other hand on Sirius’ thigh. Sirius took a deep, tremulous breath - talking about his family wasn’t something he did often and he tried to not think about Regulus’ death or…Connor… Those memories in particular were just too painful. But Remus’ hands on him were soothing, calming and when he turned his head, he fell straight into those blue eyes and was completely and utterly lost.
‘Remus.’
He whispered the other man’s name softly, pleadingly, then he leaned in and let himself drown in the deep, comforting kiss that promised shelter from the ghosts of his past.
TBC...
Author: remuslives23
Summary: Remus is a struggling artist who loses his confidence after a car accident. He goes back to basics to try and rediscover his talent and meets a man who inspires him both professionally and personally. AU. Slash.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling and affiliates. All characters are above the age of consent. I make no money from this fan fiction; I just like playing with them.
Author's Note: Thanks to plarpatubin for your prompt, ta to lupinlicious for pointing me towards the prompt, and love, love, love to dogsunderfoot for constant support, correcting of ridiculously basic errors and for insisting this wasn’t crap when I was absolutely certain it was. Thanks so much for your interest in Chapter seven. Enjoy this!
Chapter Eight
‘Don’t you have a home to go to, Black?’
Bugger!
Sirius coughed, waving his hand frantically to try and disperse the smoke wafting around his head as he quickly squashed the cigarette he’d been smoking in a nearby ashtray. He sat up on the couch, peering over the back of it to see a redheaded woman glaring at him.
‘Hey, Lily,' he said. 'Sorry, I didn’t expect you to pop around.’
‘That’s obvious,' she snarled, waving a hand in the smoke-scented air. 'At least it wasn’t a joint, I suppose…and I’m living here now, remember? Unlike you - not that you’d know it.’
She stomped into the kitchen and Sirius groaned. He had forgotten that James’ fiancée, Lily, had moved in with his best friend a few days ago. He’d been a bit caught up over the last few weeks with what was fast-coming his new addiction - Remus. The other man was at work though, and Sirius - hating to rattle around alone in his own empty, bare flat - had gone to James’ flat for refuge. He was now regretting that decision as, realising a lecture was forthcoming and figuring he may as well get it over with, he followed the slightly built woman into the kitchen.
He was correct; the lecture was one of the nursing student’s best - touching on the effect cigarettes and his occasional joint would have on his health, his lack of direction in general and more specifically, his miserable job prospects. She then moved onto his unhealthy reliance on James, the fact that she was sick of feeding him and hearing the roar of his motorbike (or ‘that death trap’ as she referred to it). By the time she finally reached the last subject in her diatribe - his complete reluctance to visit or even acknowledge his estranged family - Sirius had had enough and made a warning sound in his throat. Lily quickly - sensibly - dropped the taboo topic of Sirius family, knowing she‘d pushed him too far. The only area of his life she had missed in her rant was his love life, Sirius relieved at the omission until he realised that she was saving what she considered the only positive in his life until last.
‘At least your love life is looking up,’ Lily said with a suggestive leer she must have learnt from him. ‘James said you’ve got a new bloke. When do I get to meet him?’
Sirius sighed. Remus was the reason for the rarely-indulged-in-these-days cigarette. Sirius only smoked when he needed to keep his mind off other things…and he’d been doing his best not to think of Remus today. Not because anything had gone wrong or they’d rowed…just the opposite, in fact. They were getting along as if they’d known each other forever and had seen each other almost every day in the last two weeks. The problem was that each time they were together, Sirius could feel the other man getting deeper and deeper under his skin and now, in terror, he was trying desperately to halt the freefall by not thinking about the man. He’d even cancelled their date for tonight, claiming a forgotten engagement so he could get some space. Things were getting too intense, too much like something he’d known once before, and he couldn’t face those long forgotten emotions…not yet.
And I haven’t even slept with him.
Not that they’d been completely celibate either. A smile curled Sirius’ lips as he recalled the hours he and Remus had spent on the couch in the artist’s studio in varying stages of undress. The man, who seemed quite timid at first glance, promised to be an enthusiastic and inventive lover - making him all the more attractive to the equally as resourceful Sirius. They seemed to complement each other beautifully in every aspect of their relationship…and it scared Sirius to death. Which is why each time they had begun to get hot and heavy, Sirius didn’t mind that the still-self conscious Remus directed them towards blow jobs or a mutual wank. He was afraid to find out how far and how hard he could fall for this man.
‘I’ve only known him a few weeks, Lil,‘ he said, trying to hose down the woman’s exuberance. ‘It’s early days yet.’
She looked surprised, putting the last of the groceries away. ‘James said you really seemed to be hitting it off.’
‘We are,' Sirius insisted. 'I just…don’t want to…rush anything…it’s not…we’re not…a couple or anything…’
‘What’s wrong with him?’
‘Nothing!’ Sirius said indignantly. ‘Absolutely nothing. He’s…amazing. It’s just…I don’t…do we have to talk about this?’
Lily stared at him, her green eyes uncomfortably piercing. She had a way of ferreting out the very things you were trying to hide from her and this time was no different.
‘You really do like him, don’t you?’ She grinned suddenly, a little giggle escaping. ‘Oh my God! Sirius Black - the all-shagging king of man whores - has got it bad.’
Sirius glared at her. ‘You know, Evans, I have trouble seeing what James finds attractive about you.’
She snorted her laughter and turned to get a couple of soft drinks out of the fridge. ‘Come and tell me all about it.’
His reluctance must have shown on his face because she raised an eyebrow. ‘What? Are you going to talk to James about your boyfriend troubles?’
She had a point - James had a rather delicate stomach when it came to talking about relationships, straight or bent. It had taken nearly seven years for him to propose to his high school sweetheart, Lily. Of course, her ultimatum of ‘propose or I’m off to shag my way through London’ might have had a lot to do with it.
Sirius took the offered drink but refused the offer of a ‘chat’. ‘He’s not my boyfriend, Lily. We’re just hanging out…’
Lily cocked her head. ‘You’ve spent every minute with him for the last fortnight - when you’re not taking up space on mine and James’ couch - and James reckons he hasn’t seen you so happy in years…’
‘James needs to learn to shut his damn trap,’ Sirius grumbled, taking a big gulp of his cola.
Lily bit her lip as she scrutinised Sirius, her face showing the battle going on inside her. Finally, she made a decision and asked, ‘Does this commitment phobia have something to do with why you don’t see your family?’
Sirius’ face darkened and he warned, ‘Lily…’
‘Your trust issues could stem from…’
‘Lily, James loves you which is why you still have all your pretty red hair attached to your head. I will not talk about this with you. Now, change the subject.’
Lily looked mutinous then sighed. ‘Fine.’ A sly expression spread across her face and she smirked. ‘You can help me choose a colour for my bridesmaids’ dresses instead.’
Sirius groaned and offered a token resistance, but allowed her to drag him to the couch for the ‘girl talk’. Anything to avoid the painful topic of his family and the reasons he didn‘t care to discuss them.
--
‘Thank Christ you’re home. I don’t think I can stand to talk about corsets or heels or debate the benefits of g-strings versus support garments anymore without my cock falling off.’
James chuckled, throwing his keys and his football kit onto the kitchen counter and grinning at Sirius. ‘Lily’s home then.’
Sirius groaned and nodded. ‘For a couple of hours now,' he confirmed morosely. 'She’s been going on about the wedding and throwing in some yap about trust and communication and listening…I tuned out after a few minutes, to be honest, so I’m not sure what else she said.’
Laughing, James grabbed a beer from the fridge and offered one to Sirius, who took it gratefully.
‘As I’ve been very well-behaved and obedient of late, I’m assuming this deep and meaningful discussion about communication and trust was all about you and Remus?’ James said, popping the cap of his drink.
Sirius nodded, gulping mouthfuls of bitter ale before answering. ‘Yes, and one day when you least expect it, I’ll thank you properly for mentioning him to Lily.’
James grinned, sipping at his own beverage. ‘So, why aren’t you out with him tonight?' he asked. 'I’ve almost forgotten what you looked like this last couple of weeks you‘ve been so wrapped up in him. Or is that tied up?’
The bespectacled man laughed at his own joke, but Sirius’ smile faded and he attempted an evasion. ‘How was training today?’
James raised his eyebrows and put on his best commentary voice. ‘And Black neatly, but not at all subtly sidesteps the question. But Potter is like a dog with a bone, chasing down answers…not afraid to use force to get what he wants…’
‘I hate football.’
‘So?’
‘So stop using all those analogies and that stupid voice…’
‘I mean, 'so why aren't you with Remus', you complete tosser!' James said in exasperation. 'What’s happened?’
‘Oh.’ Sirius shook his head, avoiding James' eye. ‘Nothing. Just wanted a night with you guys.’
‘Kick you out of bed, did he?’ James smirked.
‘Haven’t been to bed yet,' Sirius retorted and James looked surprised.
‘Really?' he asked. 'Normally you’ve got them on their hands and knees in a day or two…’
‘Can we not talk about Remus being on his hands and knees, please?' Sirius begged as the visual image prompted an immediate physical response. 'Not unless you want me to start humping your leg in desperation. That man has a fine, fine arse.’
James grimaced but bravely tackled the issue. ‘So he isn’t putting out?’
Sirius fidgeted uncomfortably, knowing James would see straight through any excuse he offered. ‘It’s not…we’re taking it slowly, that’s all.’
James stared at him in complete disbelief, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for Sirius to elaborate.
Sirius grunted in frustration and leaned against the fridge. ‘I want to, he wants to, I think, but…’ He shook his head and James’ forehead creased in concern.
‘Sirius?’
‘It scares me, okay!’ Sirius blurted out. ‘This…thing between us…I don’t…I don’t want it. I don’t want all this…stuff…again…’
‘Sirius,' James said gently. 'Remus would never betray you like they did; like Connor did.’
Sirius turned away from James at the mention of the man whose name hadn‘t crossed his lips in close to ten years, but James shifted to maintain eye contact. ‘I know how hard it is for you to put your faith in someone after what that prick did to you,' he said. 'But don’t let Remus get away because Connor was weak. Don’t let him or your parents influence your decisions like this.’
Sirius frowned at James and opened his mouth to respond but just then, Lily appeared in the doorway, greeting James effusively. Sirius watched as his friends snogged unashamedly. Despite his teasing that Lily was nothing but a vice around James’ balls, he could see how much they loved each other and knew that they trusted the other implicitly with their life and with their heart. They were a perfect fit - and as he watched them, Sirius missed Remus like he’d miss a lost limb. He didn’t feel right - hadn’t felt right all day, he now realised - and the fact that Remus’ absence had a physical and an emotional manifestation within him came as a shock to Sirius. He didn’t like this revelation one bit, but he had to see Remus; had to get rid of this horrible ache of longing inside.
He finished his beer and slammed it down noisily on the counter. ‘I’m off then.’
James and Lily broke apart and stared at him. ‘Where…?’ James began.
‘I’m off to see Remus,' Sirius told them, trying to sound nonchalant. 'I need a good shag to cheer me up.’
Lily frowned admonishingly, but James smirked. ‘Have fun!’ he called before he turned back to Lily, sliding a hand up her shirt.
Sirius tried to smile, pissed off at himself for needing Remus like this, and mumbled a farewell before stomping noisily down the stairs. He started up his bike and the tyres screeched as he pulled out onto the street.
~*~
‘Oh, it’s you.’
Sirius wasn’t sure what to say to the less than enthusiastic greeting, but Peter was grinning as he waved him into Remus’ flat.
‘I thought you might be the booze…ah!’
A pretty woman with dark brown hair carrying two six packs of beer appeared behind Sirius who quickly stepped into the flat to let her through the door.
‘Brilliant, Mares. I love you.’ Peter kissed the woman on her pink cheek then turned back to Sirius. ‘This is my girl, Mary. Mary, this is Remus’ bloke, Sirius.’
A shot of mingled panic and joy zipped through Sirius when he heard himself described as Remus’ but he just smiled and shook the woman’s hand.
‘We’re cooking,’ Peter called back as he walked into Remus’ sparse kitchen. ‘He doesn’t eat properly when he’s caught up with work if we don‘t. He’s in the studio. You can tell him dinner’s ready while you’re there.’
Sirius moved down the hall and knocked on the door to the spare room/studio. There was no answer so he poked his head inside, seeing Remus sitting in front of his easel, attention focused on the canvas in front of him. Sirius quietly walked towards him, stopping when he saw that Remus was working on a painting of him. Sirius smiled, recognising the pose. Remus had taken the sketch from that night Sirius had posed nude and was using it to paint the most fantastic portrait; the colours, the brush strokes, the emotion pouring from the image all combined harmoniously to make the painting incredible and full of life.
Remus sat back just then with a sharp exhale of air and Sirius stepped forward.
‘Hi.’
The artist spun around in his seat, smiling broadly when he saw Sirius. ‘Hi yourself!' he said cheerfully. 'Didn’t think I’d see you tonight; what happened to your plans?’
Sirius smiled and shrugged. ‘I’d rather be here, I guess,’ he said evasively.
Remus flushed and Sirius clenched his jaw as his stomach flipped, anxiety and anticipation fighting for dominance. ‘So,’ he said, forcing himself to sound casual. ‘This is looking great.’
Remus turned back to the painting and nodded. ‘It’s coming along,' he agreed, dragging a hand through his hair. 'Did I tell you I got another commission? And, if it’s good enough, it can go in the showing first. It’s a landscape which is great because that’s exactly what I needed to round the collection out…’
Sirius couldn’t help himself - Remus just looked so bloody kissable with those pink cheeks and that sparkle in his eyes. He leaned over and kissed those soft lips, effectively shutting the other man up and when he pulled back, he got another breathtaking smile for his trouble.
‘It’s good to see you, Sirius,’ Remus said quietly, standing up and sliding his arms around the brunette’s waist. ‘Really good to see you.’
Sirius smiled then met Remus’ lips with his own, feeling that ache inside ease as soon as he did.
Fuck. I’m done for.
‘Oh sorry.’
They broke apart from a kiss that was promising to lead to interesting things to see a not-at-all-sorry-looking Mary standing in the doorway.
‘Peter sent me to fetch you both,' she said, her voice amused. 'Dinner’s ready and he’s hungry, but a little frightened of what he might find if he comes in here. I, however, was most willing to take the chance on seeing some nudity. Imagine my disappointment that you are both still fully clothed.’
Both men laughed, and Remus gripped Sirius’ hand as they walked back to the kitchen.
--
Dinner was pleasant. Mary told them stories about her job as a bartender, keeping them laughing. Peter bored them with a play by play of the last weekends footy match, then talk turned to Sirius.
‘What do you do for a job, Sirius?’
The brunette looked at the curious Mary and smiled. ‘I’m between jobs right now,' he told her. 'I’ve done a few odd jobs - bar work, courier work, factory work - but I’ve never really found anything I’m interested enough to stick with.’
Peter burped loudly then said caustically, ‘That go for blokes as well?’
‘Peter.’
The warning in Remus’ voice was enough to shut Peter up and Mary tried to cover the uncomfortable silence.
‘Where do your family live, Sirius?’
Sirius blanched a little. ‘Er, here in London,' he muttered. 'I…I don’t see them. We…have very different ideas on what constitutes a happy life.’
‘You don’t see them at all?’ It was Remus who asked the question in a gentle tone and Sirius shook his head in answer then changed the subject hastily.
‘James wants to get together for a drink, Peter…’
--
Peter and Mary left soon after - the atmosphere a little strained and awkward now - and Sirius made a move to leave as well.
‘Do you have to?’ Remus asked softly, putting a hand on Sirius’ arm. ‘Can you stay a while and talk?’
Sirius hesitated then smiled, hanging his jacket back on the hook near the door. ‘Sure.’
His heart skipped a beat when Remus smiled and he couldn’t work out if he wanted to turn tail and run, or throw himself at the other man and kiss him until he became a part of him. As neither option was acceptable, he followed a beer-totting Remus into the small living room and sat next to him on the couch.
‘Tell me about your family.’
Sirius raised a surprised eyebrow. ‘You don’t beat around the bush,' he said, trying not to bolt from the room.
Remus leaned back against the cushions, his arm resting along the back of the chair. ‘Sirius, you’ve come in my mouth more times than I can count and I don’t know the first thing about you. I think it’s time we shared more than bodily fluids…don’t you?’
Sirius couldn’t help his self-deprecating smile and he nodded in agreement. ‘Yeah, I guess. You…you go first.’
Remus rolled his eyes at the blatant delaying tactic, but did as he was told, telling Sirius about his parents who were both deceased, his middle-class childhood in Wales, his realisation in his last year of school that his disinterest in women wasn’t because he was a dedicated art student with no time to date, but because he was far too interested in men, his move to London and his struggles to gain recognition as an artist.
‘Your turn,’ Remus said, curling up on the couch an hour and a half later. ‘Tell me about you.’
Sirius reached for the last beer and popped the top. He was just about tipsy enough now for this conversation and took a deep breath.
‘There’s not all that much to tell. I never really got along with my parents - they both came from very strict, religious families and bought us up the same way. I started questioning their faith when they started slagging off James and his parents for not having the same beliefs.’
‘Which were?’
‘In a nutshell, those who didn’t believe as they did, dress as they did, talk as they did, look like they did, didn’t deserve to breathe the same air and were going to reside in a fiery hell for all eternity,' Sirius said, trying to keep the depth of his parent's obsession to himself. 'Looking back now, I realise that they were heavily involved in a cult, but at the time it just seemed restrictive…ridiculous. They gave up everything of themselves - their independence, their freedom of choice, their own beliefs - and put their total trust in the complete crap the leader kept spouting. It was part-religion, part-fanaticism and I just couldn’t understand how they could put believe in something so intangible and give up their free will, their own minds, in return. Whenever I challenged them, I got a backhander for my troubles.’
Remus looked aghast. ‘They hit you?’
Sirius shrugged. ‘Yeah. And my brother, but he…’ Sirius let out a humourless laugh. ‘Maybe Regulus was smarter than me because he just agreed with every word that came out of their mouths; became their golden boy while I was dragged to interventions to try and force me back onto the path of the light.’
Remus looked shaken and reached out, taking Sirius’ hand. ‘Shit,' he whispered, horrified. 'That’s horrible, Sirius.’
Sirius closed his fingers around Remus’ and squeezed lightly. ‘I left home when I was sixteen,' he continued, leaving a large portion of his story out. 'I told them I fancied blokes and they went mental. Screaming about hellfire and eternal damnation…I went to James’ place and stayed there until I bought my own flat.’
It was the truth, but not the whole truth. For that, he would have to be a lot drunker.
‘How…?’
‘…did a bludger like me afford my own place?’ Sirius anticipated the question and smiled at Remus. ‘My uncle Alphard - the only relative I could stand - died just after I left home. He left everything to me. It wasn’t a fortune, but it was enough to buy my flat and to keep me fed and clothed. I guess that’s why I haven’t really bothered to settle down to a job. I have enough to get by and if I need more than the doled out monthly allowance, I get some casual work.’
‘You don’t see your brother?’ Remus asked cautiously and Sirius' jaw clenched.
‘No,' he said softly. 'Reg…Reg died a few years back. He was doing some recruitment work for the cult and got beaten up by a group of thugs he was trying to convert. Yet another thing those bastards took from me.’
‘God, Sirius, I‘m sorry,' breathed Remus, shocked. 'I‘m so fucking sorry.’
Sirius shook his head, his face grim. ‘The idiot told them they were going to hell for the way they lived their lives. They told him that they’d see him there first.’ He heard his voice waver and cleared his suddenly constricted throat.
‘Sirius…’
Remus shifted closer, one hand snaking around the brunette’s neck, tangling in the soft hair at the nape, and laying the other hand on Sirius’ thigh. Sirius took a deep, tremulous breath - talking about his family wasn’t something he did often and he tried to not think about Regulus’ death or…Connor… Those memories in particular were just too painful. But Remus’ hands on him were soothing, calming and when he turned his head, he fell straight into those blue eyes and was completely and utterly lost.
‘Remus.’
He whispered the other man’s name softly, pleadingly, then he leaned in and let himself drown in the deep, comforting kiss that promised shelter from the ghosts of his past.
TBC...