subject? my own shit......
you know that feeling when your stomach flips and your headaches but not really a pain? and the world goes dark but stuff seems to glow threw the haze? but not really glow, more like you dumped a whole bunch of glitter, not the big chunks of glitter but the fine grained glitter? and no matter now hard you wipe at it that fucking shit wont ever leave.... but your whole world becomes like this? this is what happens when i'm forced to think, on my own thoughts, my own shit, how to deal with myself, or when i havent had enough to drink, but i lose my words to explain... i can explain if i'm forced in on myself enough, i'll fight back to get out of the corner, so i can return to my "ignorance is bliss" state that i keep about my own self.... i can answer questions about religion, abortion, prision, how i feel about my friends for the most part, but i cant deal with how i am... i know, but its not something i keep in touch with... writing this may be the closest i've come to thinking about it.... but anyways.. usually when i'm cornered by whatever person it is trying to get information out of me, i get pissed, i yell and throw them some sort of information, or storm out and tell them i cant deal with it, i refuse to deal with it and if they dont like it well fuck off..... how to explain the many problems with this.... for one it hurts people, because most of the people asking the questions that break me down are people that want to be close to me, so by storming off or getting pissed i usually hurt them kinda in the process by making them think i cant let them in... hell i dont even go in there, why should someone else?.... so i do this and it doesnt really get me anywheres, but i know, i know that i do whats right for myself, for the most part, i hold myself together, i dont usually use people to hold me together..... and the ones i do understand, for the most part, that the only thing i need is to be held.... but then sometimes... Example: i'm crying, for some strange reason... some wonderful boy comes along and holds me up to the light and says that i'm ok and that he'll be there to help me.... that feeling is what geninuely holds me together... is when i know that they will be there Problems and complications: sometimes there are those wonderful boys that want to be there, but not really, they want you, but not for all the possible complications that you could be, like they love you, they care, they were just not exactly... how to put it.... knowing everything that you are.... and now the other problem.. how can they know you if you cant if let a person in.... until of course they wipe the tears from your face and hold you.... but by the time you realize what the fuck is going on..... boys gone... and oh yea he'll still be there... just not exactly the same..... but then again.. i'm not explaining this right.... i cant explain it.... well lets try this.. i'm fucked up.. i'm going to be fucked up.. and holding on tightly to another person only makes me hurt more.... why hold on so tightly when i just get fucked over in the end.... not always... but for the most part... so many names i could give... and there are names i dont want to add, that have the possibility of being added... so i'm writing this as a warning.... dont be the nice guy.... dont hold me when i cry... dont tell me you care and will help and other such nonesense, even if its true, that could possibly change my feelings for you.... basically just dont hold me... dont be my security blanket... make me fight on my own and fall further into a spiral until i can pull my self up.... because i cant take the feeling and then not have it belong to me.... i need it all or nothing.. and i dont want to say this but... i dont know if i can continue to take being held... it makes me weak.. it makes me think... and those are two things i cant have... i guess i have to fight the glitter on my own.....