Criminal Minds One shot, 100Song: 001. Dare you to Move
Dare you to Move
Characters: Jason Gideon, Spencer Reid
Pairing: Gideon/Reid
Summary: In which both our heroes dare each other to move.
Rating: T for Teen
Warnings: Extreme out of character-ness and bad writing. It is an old story.
Spoilers: 'Extreme Aggressor"
Disclaimer: I do not own Gideon, Reid or anything pertaining to Criminal Minds. It is all property of CBS and I am not affiliated with the show in any way.
Author's Note: UnBeta'd all mistakes are my own and I apologize for them
***
Abraham Lincoln once said “And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"
The elevator ride to the BAU offices seemed like the longest ride of his young life. Nervously, stats began running through his head at light speed; how many people die in elevators each year? 30. How many FBI agents die on their first year on the job? 16. Who are the main agents working at the BAU? He went through the list of personal that he had seen in the main entrance but so far he had only met Agent Hotchner who had interviewed him for the job. He knew Jason Gideon and Derek Morgan, by reputation only. But there were at least 20 other part time agents that split there time between the BAU and other factions of the FBI.
Right now thought, even with all he knew, there was nothing that could help him feel less like an outsider. He knew his social skills were severally lacking, but he had never really needed to worked with anyone in his life. Skipping grades in school to three PhD’s, never left time for anyone except the written word; frankly he was surprised that he even made it past the interview.
When the ding of the elevator snapped him back to the moment and the doors opened to show what was to become his new home, he was surprised to find no one there. It was completely empty and silent. Furrowing his brow, the young doctor knew that he had the right time, with a memory like his; he couldn’t forget even if he tried. So where was everybody?
He looked around for a few seconds, making a mental map of the office as he gazed at the maze of desks until deciding that the best place to start would be Agent Hotchner’s office. Walking past the desks and up the three stairs to the office, he knocked on the door.
“Come in.” said a voice, that he quickly identified as Agent Hotchner’s.
The young doctor opened the door, just enough to let himself in, and slipped into the office, not even noticing that the lights were off.
*****
“SURPRISE!!” Came a chorus as the lights were flicked on. It looked like most of the personal, crowed into the small office, all standing in front of a banner; ‘Welcome to the BAU’
Spencer nearly jumped out of his skin before standing there completely stunned, looking at the group of people there to welcome him, unsure of what he was expected to do. Never in his life had this ever happened, usually he went about his life invisible to the world.
From the middle of the group, the man he recognized as Gideon walked toward him saving him from having to fumble some sort of response.
“Welcome to the BAU, Dr. Reid.” He smiled, sticking out his hand “I am Jason Gideon.”
Reid slowly took the offered hand and shook it, noticing the strength and gentleness in the touch and the intense, captivating eyes which beheld him. Warmed by the greeting, but still at a loss as to what to say, Gideon saved him the trouble and, began introducing him to the rest of the people crowded into the office.
“You know Hotch of course.” Gideon asked. Reid nodded, giving a small wave to Hotch, who returned it with a nod of his head.
Gideon placed his hand at the small of Reid’s back and guided him over to the other people.
“This here is Derek Morgan, the only other full BAU agent at the moment, but worth more than a team of agents.”
“Thanks Gideon.” Morgan smiled. “Welcome Reid.” He said shaking Reid’s hand. “Don’t let these old guys worry you at all, they may be older and wiser, but older is really the operative word, we can run rings around them.” He laughed.
Reid didn’t quite understand Morgan’s, social, friendly routine, but he was sure he could learn a thing or two from him and took a mental note to watch his movements.
Gideon took Reid again and introduced him to two part time BAU agents, JJ, the media liaison and Garcia the BAU’s computer technician.
“Nice to meet you Dr. Reid,” JJ said sticking out her hand in a very business like manor. He took the offered hand timidly, and let go as quickly as possible. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy working here. If you need help with anything, let me know.”
“Welcome!” Garcia greeted him with a smile, pulling him into a quick hug that caused him to tense quickly, she didn’t really notice, but by the look in Gideon’s eyes he definitely did. “If you every need to get away from those dogs,” gesturing towards Gideon, Hotch and Morgan “just drop by my lab.” she winked at him.
“Well that’s all of them for now. Six other part time agents are in the field right now, but you will meet them soon enough.” Gideon finished his introduction, and now all eyes were on him.
Reid still didn’t really have a clue about what to say. First he looked at the sign that they had put up along the wall opposite the door that said ‘Welcome to the BAU’, and then looked back at Gideon. There was something in the look he got back that told him he wasn’t going to be saved again; he had to leave his shell. The man had known him for less than 5 minutes, and was already daring him to move, sizing him up to see if he was ready for the job. So that’s what he did, he talked to a group of people. Talked to people he’d never met before, clearly, though still a bit awkward and very quickly; he was sure though that it would come about in time, and with the looking in Gideon’s eyes, he wanted to work through all his flaws. There was just something about the man that made him feel like he was worth something; it was something he had never really felt before
“Well, I umm... Thanks, for the welcome, I really appreciate it, and I am glad to meet you all.” He stuttered out, sheepishly giving them all a little smile. The congregated people clapped, that to Reid felt like it was final, he was a part of a team. He looked beside him at Gideon who smiled and patted him on the back.
“Sorry to be the stiff over here, but we do have to get back to work guys.” Hotch called out, causing everybody to groan miserably. Morgan rolled his eyes and went up to Reid once more, “You’ll have a good time here Reid. I’m sure you’ll fit right in.” giving him a small pat on the shoulder and went out the door.
The others did the same, each giving Reid another, welcome or encouragement. Once they were all gone save for Gideon, Hotch and himself, Hotch gave him the summery of how things worked around the office, and other such formalities. Gideon, sitting on the couch in the office, silently waited for Hotch to finish, while watching the new addition to the group.
His first impression when Reid walked in here was not particularly reassuring. The young man looked he was made of glass and could easily be broken. He was obviously an introvert, who had, till this point, lived in a shell of books and lectures, and probably minimal human contact, judging by his tenseness, and skittishness. From reading the man’s impressive resume, Gideon knew the kid had talent, and would definitely be a great component to the team, and judging by his display today he seemed quite willing to work through his inadequacies, so he knew the man was up to the work. But there was something about him, something that made him seem strong, but still screamed that he needed someone to look out for him. Judging from the view of Reid that he had from the couch, Gideon knew that he wouldn’t mind the kid being around for a long while.
“...I’m sure you will do good work here, Reid. That’s all for me I think. Gideon, do you want to talk to him and show him around?”
“Sure. Come on Doc.” Gideon said while getting up. “Let me show you around first than we’ll talk.” Gideon waited at the door as Hotch shook Reid’s hand once more and then turned toward Gideon.
He let Reid leave first giving Hotchner a quick smile and wink before following the young man out; Hotchner just chuckled and shook his head, feeling sorry for the boy, knowing he would probably be mentally dissected by the end of the day, but he was sure the kid would give Gideon a run for his money.
Gideon stopped them right out side Hotch’s office, pointing out all of the most important parts of the office.
“Over there is the most important room, its home to the coffee maker, probably the most vital tool of our trade and the most temperamental, just remember, be kind to it and you might get a decent cup of coffee. There is your desk and all the other agents’ desks. To our left is the conference room and to our right my office. That’s about it.” He finished, and once again, Gideon placed his hand on Reid’s back, this time the touch not going unnoticed by he young doctor, directing him into the office.
When Reid felt the hand on his back, it scared him that he didn’t want to jump at its presences. Usually, a touch like that would send him leaping into the air, maybe even to the point of huddling in the corner. But this time he wanted nothing more that to lean into the touch.
*****
Reid and Gideon talked for well over three hours that day, each trying to avoid giving each other information about themselves, but it was inescapable. By the end of those hours, they probably knew more about each other than the rest of the squad knew; they fascinated each other. Gideon was absolutely astounded by Reid’s mind, and memory. But also by his awkwardness, and what he was sure was a facade of innocents, and naivety. It made him seem like an angel, like he almost glowed of purity; he found the young agent absolutely beautiful.
Reid on the other hand just could not figure Gideon out, and that was a first for him. That was enough to draw his full attention to the man. He also loved the almost gentle but strong quality that Gideon possessed; it felt safe. This man made him feel safe. Reid had never felt safe in his entire life.
Leaving the office later that day, both men felt a bond that either had ever had before, neither remarked on it, but they just seemed to know that it was there happened.
Over the next few weeks as Reid got adjusted to the work and the crazy hours, Gideon would always find some time to track Reid down, to talk. They went out for lunches and coffee, sometimes just staying in Gideon’s office after everyone else had gone home. Each soon started to realize that their feelings went a lot deeper than they first thought but neither willing to talk about it. Being profilers, they each had an instinct that the feelings where mutual but neither was really willing to act on it, too busy trying to keep up with the job, and stay sane while doing it.
*****
One year later
Reid was moving and out the door the minute he heard what was happening. He arrived at the scene minutes after the bomb went off, and was at Gideon’s side just as they brought him out. Adrian Baal had been caught, killing six other agents in the process and almost destroying Gideon as well, or maybe it had, he wasn’t sure yet.
Reid leaped into the ambulance with Gideon, deaf to the paramedics telling him that he can’t go with them, but knew he had to be there; it felt right that he was there. Looking at the broken man in front of him, Reid did the only thing he could to comfort the man; he wrapped Gideon in his arms almost as if he was trying to keep him from shattering. The older man had not said anything, or even showed any movement at all, just a blank stare into nothingness. Reid wasn’t even sure if Gideon knew he was there.
By the time they had reached the hospital Gideon had been properly fixed up by the paramedics, but Reid had not once let go of the man. When they pulled up to the hospital doors, he was told he needed to let go, as soon as he tried though Gideon finally said something. In a voice barely audible, he ask Reid one thing.
“Don’t let me go.” with that simple command the Reid tightened his hold. “Never.” he whispered back.
Gideon got thoroughly check over by the doctor; Reid still never leaving his side. Deemed fit to go home, Gideon quickly signed his release forms, somewhat returned to himself, but still seemed to jump at every noise. After all the paper work was signed, Reid, with his arm still wrapped around the Gideon’s shoulder led them toward the exit.
They grabbed a cab to Gideon’s apartment. Not a word was said on the journey; Gideon just started straight a head, feeling his mind breaking apart one piece at a time. Reid was looking at the man, trying to figure out what was going on in his head and what he could possibly to do help him.
As the cab pulled up to the apartment complex, Gideon finally moved, turning to Reid and looking straight into his eyes. There was strength in those eyes, he would be safe. This man, that looked like wind could blow him away, had the strength to keep him from falling apart.
Reid stayed with Gideon for a little more that a week. The day that Gideon had started to talk with more than one word answers, had surprised him by asking him to call him by his given name, a request he would definitely not refuse. It had finally told Reid that Jason would work through this, and would be okay. Though he was still unsure whether Jason should be left alone, Spencer thought that maybe the older man needed to have some time alone to get himself together. Everyday after work, provided there were no field assignments, Reid would drop by and they would go out and have a coffee and talk about inconsequential things. In all outward appearances, a month after the incident, Jason looked and acted much like he had before this all had happened.
Throughout all of what had happened after the bombing, they both had noticed that their feelings that had only grown deeper over the weeks. They both found that though they had never said a word about their relationship, they already took it for granted that no matter what would happen, there was a level of trust and love which could not be broken.
Even after two months, Reid still went to see Jason. Just after one really long and harsh case, Reid wanting nothing more than to be in the company of the other man, looking for some sort of comfort, so he went straight to Gideon’s apartment, but was surprised to find that there was no answer at Jason’s door. Thinking that the other man had probably gone for a walk or up to the cabin he was always talking about, Spencer went back to his place, to get some sleep and drop by again tomorrow. The following day there was still no answer.
By the third day, Reid was starting to get a little edgy; If Jason had gone away, he would have told him? But Reid had seen that his truck was still in the parking lot when he came in. That’s when he started to think of all possible things that people with post-traumatic stress disorder did; Drug and alcohol abuse, self-injury, suicide. Gideon wouldn’t kill himself. Gideon couldn’t. That thought terrified Spencer to the core, jerking him into action.
Knowing he couldn’t break down the door, Reid rushed down to the superintendent. After quickly, explaining to the super, what he needed and managed to get the key. Flying back to Jason’s door, Reid, almost in tears, hurriedly let himself into the apartment, not wanting to think about what he might see on the other side.
Inside all the lights were off, but the TV was on. It was what was on the screen that was the most terrifying. Frozen on the screen, was the image of Gideon being lead out of the building after the incident and a mug shot of Baal, and other picture of the victims super imposed on top. Spencer knew that as soon as Gideon had seen that picture it would have probably sent him right back into the state that he was right after it had happened. He had to find the older man fast.
Reid ran down the hallway towards the two bedrooms, and the washroom. The three doors were closed, but they had always been closed when he had visited before, never really thinking twice about them. Now, they seemed ominous; like they might hide some dark unnamable evil.
The first door was then entrance to the guest room. He whipped open the door, and the room was immaculate, exactly as he had left it after his stay had finished. Seeing that Gideon was not in there he ran back out to the hallway.
The second door opened into the bathroom. This one was the hardest to open Reid’s mind was screaming to him that 86% of all suicides happen in bathroom as he put his hand on the handle, steeling himself for what ever he might find. Opening the door quickly, but with eyes shut. Slowly opening his eyes his entire body seemed to slump with relief. It was empty.
Rushing to the other door, Reid threw it open without even thinking about what possible scenarios could be on the other side; he knew Gideon had to be in there.
Just as the rest of the apartment, the bedroom was tidy, and there on the bed was Jason. Spencer rush towards it and check to see if Gideon was still alive. On the bed side table was a bottle of sleeping pills he knew the doctor had given the older agent after the bombing, but it looked much too empty that it had six days ago when he had been here last. Gideon was still breathing, so he hadn’t O.Ded, but he was completely dead to the world. Spencer fell hard onto the bed next to the other man, he knees to weak to keep him up.
Reid wiped the tears he hadn’t known were falling, and cradled his face in his hands. He had been so scared. So scared that he might never have seen the man again, scared that he would never see those warm eyes again, or ever have the possibility of having those strong arms around him.
Spencer lay on his side next to the man for hours, waiting for Jason to wake. As he stared at him, memorizing how the light landed on his face, and how even in his sleep the man looked terrified, he thought, that he looked more broken now than what he had been after Baal.
When Jason suddenly started stirring from his sleep, it caught Spencer off guard, almost sending his jumping in the air. After getting his nerves under check, Reid knew it would take awhile for the drugs to wear off completely, but now he was at a loss as to what to do with the man once he was fully awake. Reid watched as Gideon reach to the bed side table searching for the pill bottle, but failing to find it, he tried getting up, and that is when he spotted the other man sitting on the other side of the bed, with a look on his face that his blurry mind was sure he had never seen before. Gideon tried to curl himself back up under the covers, and pretend that Reid wasn’t there, and hopefully fall back asleep before the painful memories returned, but Reid had different ideas. Spencer knew that if Gideon didn’t face this now, he would probably destroy himself. So with as much authority as he could muster, Reid stood at the foot of the bed and whipped the blankets off Gideon, and watched and waited with crossed arms until the other man decided that he would have to face Reid, at some point in time. He stood there for a good 10 minutes before Gideon uncurled himself and looked at him, broken and tired. That is when Spencer Reid, the man he had helped break out of his shell and teach to stand up for himself, talked to him with conviction, and some of the truest words he had probably ever heard.
“It wasn’t your fault, and I know you know that, and have been told it many times. But I also know that no matter what I say you will still blame yourself on one level or another. But you are stronger that this, you have so much still left to give, and to waste it here, slowly killing yourself, to escape from the pain of something you know you could not have stopped. Over the past year I have opened more of myself to you than I have any other person on this planet, and I believe you have done the same.” Spencer paused for a second, to stop more tears from falling. And after taking a calming breath he continued “Trust me now enough to let me help you. But you have to get yourself up. This is your chance, I’m right here and I will do everything I possibly can to help you, because I love you and don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I was so scared when I found you lying there, but you have to want to do this for yourself, or nothing can help you.” Reid couldn’t keep tears from falling anymore but ignored them this time.
“I am going to leave you here and go make you some food. If you want to do it, get out of bed, take a shower, shave and get some clothes on, then come out to eat. Then we will talk. And you will talk, I don’t have three psychology PhD’s for nothing.” With that Reid walked out of the room, taking all the will power he had to keep himself from looking back, leaving a stunned, pained and very confused Gideon sitting on the bed. Once he was out and closed the door, he leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears from his face. It finally hit him that he had finally told Gideon that he loved him, but it wasn’t the time now to worry about it, he hoped it might all come together in the end, but Gideon needed to get himself together fist. Spencer finally moved off the wall and toward the kitchen, shutting off the TV on his way, ejecting the tape, and throwing it out, just so this could never happen again. As he got into the mode of making some food, he tried his best not to worry about what was going to happen next, he knew there was no way to predict the unpredictably, so set himself as much at task as he could, waiting to find out Jason’s decision.
Gideon, on the other hand, was still sitting and trying to unravel in his mind what had just happened. He didn’t know what to do. He hurt so much, and was just so tired. That’s what had started it all. He had been so tired, and just couldn’t sleep. Where the tape had come from he did not know, but once he saw those images, that was enough. So he had grabbed the pills and hadn’t really been conscious since. He didn’t even know what day it was. But even through his hazy mind it suddenly hit him really hard, making his head snap up. Did Reid say that he loved him? Was he dreaming that? His mind went through memories of his time with the man. Spencer laughing and smiling over a cup of coffee at their favorite place. Arms holding him in the ambulance. Watching Spencer sleep in his guest room. In all those memories, all Jason could remember was happiness. It filled his entire being, and even with the work he had done and the things he had seen, he had been happy with Spencer, it was hard to remember the last time he had felt like that; It was enough to make him move. He picked himself up, not so much for himself, but for the chance of being happy again, and that chance was Spencer.
Close to an hour later Reid heard the door to the bed room and Jason stepped out. Clean and in a pair of FBI sweat pants, and a black t-shirt. They stared at each other for a second, before Reid nodded and smiled at him. Still no words were said as they sat down at the table and ate, but after they were done they would talk, and maybe everything would work out in time. For now, that small step was all that was needed.
It was said by Nelson Mandela that “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other.”
***
Thank you for Reading
Reviews are like dancing with Gideon
Characters: Jason Gideon, Spencer Reid
Pairing: Gideon/Reid
Summary: In which both our heroes dare each other to move.
Rating: T for Teen
Warnings: Extreme out of character-ness and bad writing. It is an old story.
Spoilers: 'Extreme Aggressor"
Disclaimer: I do not own Gideon, Reid or anything pertaining to Criminal Minds. It is all property of CBS and I am not affiliated with the show in any way.
Author's Note: UnBeta'd all mistakes are my own and I apologize for them
***
Abraham Lincoln once said “And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"
The elevator ride to the BAU offices seemed like the longest ride of his young life. Nervously, stats began running through his head at light speed; how many people die in elevators each year? 30. How many FBI agents die on their first year on the job? 16. Who are the main agents working at the BAU? He went through the list of personal that he had seen in the main entrance but so far he had only met Agent Hotchner who had interviewed him for the job. He knew Jason Gideon and Derek Morgan, by reputation only. But there were at least 20 other part time agents that split there time between the BAU and other factions of the FBI.
Right now thought, even with all he knew, there was nothing that could help him feel less like an outsider. He knew his social skills were severally lacking, but he had never really needed to worked with anyone in his life. Skipping grades in school to three PhD’s, never left time for anyone except the written word; frankly he was surprised that he even made it past the interview.
When the ding of the elevator snapped him back to the moment and the doors opened to show what was to become his new home, he was surprised to find no one there. It was completely empty and silent. Furrowing his brow, the young doctor knew that he had the right time, with a memory like his; he couldn’t forget even if he tried. So where was everybody?
He looked around for a few seconds, making a mental map of the office as he gazed at the maze of desks until deciding that the best place to start would be Agent Hotchner’s office. Walking past the desks and up the three stairs to the office, he knocked on the door.
“Come in.” said a voice, that he quickly identified as Agent Hotchner’s.
The young doctor opened the door, just enough to let himself in, and slipped into the office, not even noticing that the lights were off.
*****
“SURPRISE!!” Came a chorus as the lights were flicked on. It looked like most of the personal, crowed into the small office, all standing in front of a banner; ‘Welcome to the BAU’
Spencer nearly jumped out of his skin before standing there completely stunned, looking at the group of people there to welcome him, unsure of what he was expected to do. Never in his life had this ever happened, usually he went about his life invisible to the world.
From the middle of the group, the man he recognized as Gideon walked toward him saving him from having to fumble some sort of response.
“Welcome to the BAU, Dr. Reid.” He smiled, sticking out his hand “I am Jason Gideon.”
Reid slowly took the offered hand and shook it, noticing the strength and gentleness in the touch and the intense, captivating eyes which beheld him. Warmed by the greeting, but still at a loss as to what to say, Gideon saved him the trouble and, began introducing him to the rest of the people crowded into the office.
“You know Hotch of course.” Gideon asked. Reid nodded, giving a small wave to Hotch, who returned it with a nod of his head.
Gideon placed his hand at the small of Reid’s back and guided him over to the other people.
“This here is Derek Morgan, the only other full BAU agent at the moment, but worth more than a team of agents.”
“Thanks Gideon.” Morgan smiled. “Welcome Reid.” He said shaking Reid’s hand. “Don’t let these old guys worry you at all, they may be older and wiser, but older is really the operative word, we can run rings around them.” He laughed.
Reid didn’t quite understand Morgan’s, social, friendly routine, but he was sure he could learn a thing or two from him and took a mental note to watch his movements.
Gideon took Reid again and introduced him to two part time BAU agents, JJ, the media liaison and Garcia the BAU’s computer technician.
“Nice to meet you Dr. Reid,” JJ said sticking out her hand in a very business like manor. He took the offered hand timidly, and let go as quickly as possible. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy working here. If you need help with anything, let me know.”
“Welcome!” Garcia greeted him with a smile, pulling him into a quick hug that caused him to tense quickly, she didn’t really notice, but by the look in Gideon’s eyes he definitely did. “If you every need to get away from those dogs,” gesturing towards Gideon, Hotch and Morgan “just drop by my lab.” she winked at him.
“Well that’s all of them for now. Six other part time agents are in the field right now, but you will meet them soon enough.” Gideon finished his introduction, and now all eyes were on him.
Reid still didn’t really have a clue about what to say. First he looked at the sign that they had put up along the wall opposite the door that said ‘Welcome to the BAU’, and then looked back at Gideon. There was something in the look he got back that told him he wasn’t going to be saved again; he had to leave his shell. The man had known him for less than 5 minutes, and was already daring him to move, sizing him up to see if he was ready for the job. So that’s what he did, he talked to a group of people. Talked to people he’d never met before, clearly, though still a bit awkward and very quickly; he was sure though that it would come about in time, and with the looking in Gideon’s eyes, he wanted to work through all his flaws. There was just something about the man that made him feel like he was worth something; it was something he had never really felt before
“Well, I umm... Thanks, for the welcome, I really appreciate it, and I am glad to meet you all.” He stuttered out, sheepishly giving them all a little smile. The congregated people clapped, that to Reid felt like it was final, he was a part of a team. He looked beside him at Gideon who smiled and patted him on the back.
“Sorry to be the stiff over here, but we do have to get back to work guys.” Hotch called out, causing everybody to groan miserably. Morgan rolled his eyes and went up to Reid once more, “You’ll have a good time here Reid. I’m sure you’ll fit right in.” giving him a small pat on the shoulder and went out the door.
The others did the same, each giving Reid another, welcome or encouragement. Once they were all gone save for Gideon, Hotch and himself, Hotch gave him the summery of how things worked around the office, and other such formalities. Gideon, sitting on the couch in the office, silently waited for Hotch to finish, while watching the new addition to the group.
His first impression when Reid walked in here was not particularly reassuring. The young man looked he was made of glass and could easily be broken. He was obviously an introvert, who had, till this point, lived in a shell of books and lectures, and probably minimal human contact, judging by his tenseness, and skittishness. From reading the man’s impressive resume, Gideon knew the kid had talent, and would definitely be a great component to the team, and judging by his display today he seemed quite willing to work through his inadequacies, so he knew the man was up to the work. But there was something about him, something that made him seem strong, but still screamed that he needed someone to look out for him. Judging from the view of Reid that he had from the couch, Gideon knew that he wouldn’t mind the kid being around for a long while.
“...I’m sure you will do good work here, Reid. That’s all for me I think. Gideon, do you want to talk to him and show him around?”
“Sure. Come on Doc.” Gideon said while getting up. “Let me show you around first than we’ll talk.” Gideon waited at the door as Hotch shook Reid’s hand once more and then turned toward Gideon.
He let Reid leave first giving Hotchner a quick smile and wink before following the young man out; Hotchner just chuckled and shook his head, feeling sorry for the boy, knowing he would probably be mentally dissected by the end of the day, but he was sure the kid would give Gideon a run for his money.
Gideon stopped them right out side Hotch’s office, pointing out all of the most important parts of the office.
“Over there is the most important room, its home to the coffee maker, probably the most vital tool of our trade and the most temperamental, just remember, be kind to it and you might get a decent cup of coffee. There is your desk and all the other agents’ desks. To our left is the conference room and to our right my office. That’s about it.” He finished, and once again, Gideon placed his hand on Reid’s back, this time the touch not going unnoticed by he young doctor, directing him into the office.
When Reid felt the hand on his back, it scared him that he didn’t want to jump at its presences. Usually, a touch like that would send him leaping into the air, maybe even to the point of huddling in the corner. But this time he wanted nothing more that to lean into the touch.
*****
Reid and Gideon talked for well over three hours that day, each trying to avoid giving each other information about themselves, but it was inescapable. By the end of those hours, they probably knew more about each other than the rest of the squad knew; they fascinated each other. Gideon was absolutely astounded by Reid’s mind, and memory. But also by his awkwardness, and what he was sure was a facade of innocents, and naivety. It made him seem like an angel, like he almost glowed of purity; he found the young agent absolutely beautiful.
Reid on the other hand just could not figure Gideon out, and that was a first for him. That was enough to draw his full attention to the man. He also loved the almost gentle but strong quality that Gideon possessed; it felt safe. This man made him feel safe. Reid had never felt safe in his entire life.
Leaving the office later that day, both men felt a bond that either had ever had before, neither remarked on it, but they just seemed to know that it was there happened.
Over the next few weeks as Reid got adjusted to the work and the crazy hours, Gideon would always find some time to track Reid down, to talk. They went out for lunches and coffee, sometimes just staying in Gideon’s office after everyone else had gone home. Each soon started to realize that their feelings went a lot deeper than they first thought but neither willing to talk about it. Being profilers, they each had an instinct that the feelings where mutual but neither was really willing to act on it, too busy trying to keep up with the job, and stay sane while doing it.
*****
One year later
Reid was moving and out the door the minute he heard what was happening. He arrived at the scene minutes after the bomb went off, and was at Gideon’s side just as they brought him out. Adrian Baal had been caught, killing six other agents in the process and almost destroying Gideon as well, or maybe it had, he wasn’t sure yet.
Reid leaped into the ambulance with Gideon, deaf to the paramedics telling him that he can’t go with them, but knew he had to be there; it felt right that he was there. Looking at the broken man in front of him, Reid did the only thing he could to comfort the man; he wrapped Gideon in his arms almost as if he was trying to keep him from shattering. The older man had not said anything, or even showed any movement at all, just a blank stare into nothingness. Reid wasn’t even sure if Gideon knew he was there.
By the time they had reached the hospital Gideon had been properly fixed up by the paramedics, but Reid had not once let go of the man. When they pulled up to the hospital doors, he was told he needed to let go, as soon as he tried though Gideon finally said something. In a voice barely audible, he ask Reid one thing.
“Don’t let me go.” with that simple command the Reid tightened his hold. “Never.” he whispered back.
Gideon got thoroughly check over by the doctor; Reid still never leaving his side. Deemed fit to go home, Gideon quickly signed his release forms, somewhat returned to himself, but still seemed to jump at every noise. After all the paper work was signed, Reid, with his arm still wrapped around the Gideon’s shoulder led them toward the exit.
They grabbed a cab to Gideon’s apartment. Not a word was said on the journey; Gideon just started straight a head, feeling his mind breaking apart one piece at a time. Reid was looking at the man, trying to figure out what was going on in his head and what he could possibly to do help him.
As the cab pulled up to the apartment complex, Gideon finally moved, turning to Reid and looking straight into his eyes. There was strength in those eyes, he would be safe. This man, that looked like wind could blow him away, had the strength to keep him from falling apart.
Reid stayed with Gideon for a little more that a week. The day that Gideon had started to talk with more than one word answers, had surprised him by asking him to call him by his given name, a request he would definitely not refuse. It had finally told Reid that Jason would work through this, and would be okay. Though he was still unsure whether Jason should be left alone, Spencer thought that maybe the older man needed to have some time alone to get himself together. Everyday after work, provided there were no field assignments, Reid would drop by and they would go out and have a coffee and talk about inconsequential things. In all outward appearances, a month after the incident, Jason looked and acted much like he had before this all had happened.
Throughout all of what had happened after the bombing, they both had noticed that their feelings that had only grown deeper over the weeks. They both found that though they had never said a word about their relationship, they already took it for granted that no matter what would happen, there was a level of trust and love which could not be broken.
Even after two months, Reid still went to see Jason. Just after one really long and harsh case, Reid wanting nothing more than to be in the company of the other man, looking for some sort of comfort, so he went straight to Gideon’s apartment, but was surprised to find that there was no answer at Jason’s door. Thinking that the other man had probably gone for a walk or up to the cabin he was always talking about, Spencer went back to his place, to get some sleep and drop by again tomorrow. The following day there was still no answer.
By the third day, Reid was starting to get a little edgy; If Jason had gone away, he would have told him? But Reid had seen that his truck was still in the parking lot when he came in. That’s when he started to think of all possible things that people with post-traumatic stress disorder did; Drug and alcohol abuse, self-injury, suicide. Gideon wouldn’t kill himself. Gideon couldn’t. That thought terrified Spencer to the core, jerking him into action.
Knowing he couldn’t break down the door, Reid rushed down to the superintendent. After quickly, explaining to the super, what he needed and managed to get the key. Flying back to Jason’s door, Reid, almost in tears, hurriedly let himself into the apartment, not wanting to think about what he might see on the other side.
Inside all the lights were off, but the TV was on. It was what was on the screen that was the most terrifying. Frozen on the screen, was the image of Gideon being lead out of the building after the incident and a mug shot of Baal, and other picture of the victims super imposed on top. Spencer knew that as soon as Gideon had seen that picture it would have probably sent him right back into the state that he was right after it had happened. He had to find the older man fast.
Reid ran down the hallway towards the two bedrooms, and the washroom. The three doors were closed, but they had always been closed when he had visited before, never really thinking twice about them. Now, they seemed ominous; like they might hide some dark unnamable evil.
The first door was then entrance to the guest room. He whipped open the door, and the room was immaculate, exactly as he had left it after his stay had finished. Seeing that Gideon was not in there he ran back out to the hallway.
The second door opened into the bathroom. This one was the hardest to open Reid’s mind was screaming to him that 86% of all suicides happen in bathroom as he put his hand on the handle, steeling himself for what ever he might find. Opening the door quickly, but with eyes shut. Slowly opening his eyes his entire body seemed to slump with relief. It was empty.
Rushing to the other door, Reid threw it open without even thinking about what possible scenarios could be on the other side; he knew Gideon had to be in there.
Just as the rest of the apartment, the bedroom was tidy, and there on the bed was Jason. Spencer rush towards it and check to see if Gideon was still alive. On the bed side table was a bottle of sleeping pills he knew the doctor had given the older agent after the bombing, but it looked much too empty that it had six days ago when he had been here last. Gideon was still breathing, so he hadn’t O.Ded, but he was completely dead to the world. Spencer fell hard onto the bed next to the other man, he knees to weak to keep him up.
Reid wiped the tears he hadn’t known were falling, and cradled his face in his hands. He had been so scared. So scared that he might never have seen the man again, scared that he would never see those warm eyes again, or ever have the possibility of having those strong arms around him.
Spencer lay on his side next to the man for hours, waiting for Jason to wake. As he stared at him, memorizing how the light landed on his face, and how even in his sleep the man looked terrified, he thought, that he looked more broken now than what he had been after Baal.
When Jason suddenly started stirring from his sleep, it caught Spencer off guard, almost sending his jumping in the air. After getting his nerves under check, Reid knew it would take awhile for the drugs to wear off completely, but now he was at a loss as to what to do with the man once he was fully awake. Reid watched as Gideon reach to the bed side table searching for the pill bottle, but failing to find it, he tried getting up, and that is when he spotted the other man sitting on the other side of the bed, with a look on his face that his blurry mind was sure he had never seen before. Gideon tried to curl himself back up under the covers, and pretend that Reid wasn’t there, and hopefully fall back asleep before the painful memories returned, but Reid had different ideas. Spencer knew that if Gideon didn’t face this now, he would probably destroy himself. So with as much authority as he could muster, Reid stood at the foot of the bed and whipped the blankets off Gideon, and watched and waited with crossed arms until the other man decided that he would have to face Reid, at some point in time. He stood there for a good 10 minutes before Gideon uncurled himself and looked at him, broken and tired. That is when Spencer Reid, the man he had helped break out of his shell and teach to stand up for himself, talked to him with conviction, and some of the truest words he had probably ever heard.
“It wasn’t your fault, and I know you know that, and have been told it many times. But I also know that no matter what I say you will still blame yourself on one level or another. But you are stronger that this, you have so much still left to give, and to waste it here, slowly killing yourself, to escape from the pain of something you know you could not have stopped. Over the past year I have opened more of myself to you than I have any other person on this planet, and I believe you have done the same.” Spencer paused for a second, to stop more tears from falling. And after taking a calming breath he continued “Trust me now enough to let me help you. But you have to get yourself up. This is your chance, I’m right here and I will do everything I possibly can to help you, because I love you and don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I was so scared when I found you lying there, but you have to want to do this for yourself, or nothing can help you.” Reid couldn’t keep tears from falling anymore but ignored them this time.
“I am going to leave you here and go make you some food. If you want to do it, get out of bed, take a shower, shave and get some clothes on, then come out to eat. Then we will talk. And you will talk, I don’t have three psychology PhD’s for nothing.” With that Reid walked out of the room, taking all the will power he had to keep himself from looking back, leaving a stunned, pained and very confused Gideon sitting on the bed. Once he was out and closed the door, he leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears from his face. It finally hit him that he had finally told Gideon that he loved him, but it wasn’t the time now to worry about it, he hoped it might all come together in the end, but Gideon needed to get himself together fist. Spencer finally moved off the wall and toward the kitchen, shutting off the TV on his way, ejecting the tape, and throwing it out, just so this could never happen again. As he got into the mode of making some food, he tried his best not to worry about what was going to happen next, he knew there was no way to predict the unpredictably, so set himself as much at task as he could, waiting to find out Jason’s decision.
Gideon, on the other hand, was still sitting and trying to unravel in his mind what had just happened. He didn’t know what to do. He hurt so much, and was just so tired. That’s what had started it all. He had been so tired, and just couldn’t sleep. Where the tape had come from he did not know, but once he saw those images, that was enough. So he had grabbed the pills and hadn’t really been conscious since. He didn’t even know what day it was. But even through his hazy mind it suddenly hit him really hard, making his head snap up. Did Reid say that he loved him? Was he dreaming that? His mind went through memories of his time with the man. Spencer laughing and smiling over a cup of coffee at their favorite place. Arms holding him in the ambulance. Watching Spencer sleep in his guest room. In all those memories, all Jason could remember was happiness. It filled his entire being, and even with the work he had done and the things he had seen, he had been happy with Spencer, it was hard to remember the last time he had felt like that; It was enough to make him move. He picked himself up, not so much for himself, but for the chance of being happy again, and that chance was Spencer.
Close to an hour later Reid heard the door to the bed room and Jason stepped out. Clean and in a pair of FBI sweat pants, and a black t-shirt. They stared at each other for a second, before Reid nodded and smiled at him. Still no words were said as they sat down at the table and ate, but after they were done they would talk, and maybe everything would work out in time. For now, that small step was all that was needed.
It was said by Nelson Mandela that “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other.”
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