everyday i'm shufflin
Sometimes I stare at the computer screen, wondering what to do.
I know what I have to do-- I've got a pile of things lined up, calling for my attention. Some I urgently need to finish because the deadline's coming near, and it won't just be me who's gonna be in deep shit if it don't get done. (To be fair, the script I'm supposed to write isn't the only one-- there's another person making a script of their own plot but still.) Even if I do know what to do, even if it's already in a yellow sticky note posted on my laptop screen-- I just honestly don't want to do anything I don't want right now.
Why? Sometimes, I think, why do I have to do this when someday, it won't matter at all? Someday, in the future, every thing I do will just be a memory that no one will remember except for the thoughts that will come to our head, and even then that too will cease to exist.
Maybe it's just the procrastination kicking in. Maybe it's that horrible depressing feeling I got when I felt I just didn't belong, not really no matter how much I hoped to believe, because the people you thought you were close to had other people they were close to-- or maybe they were just busy of other things that you've no interest of. Maybe. (But it's horrible, sitting alone in a place full of people you know-- have you been alone in a crowded room?)
(It was like high school all over again. Am I cursed? Am I doomed to stay alone for the rest of my life?)
Somehow I feel suspended tonight.
I know what I have to do-- I've got a pile of things lined up, calling for my attention. Some I urgently need to finish because the deadline's coming near, and it won't just be me who's gonna be in deep shit if it don't get done. (To be fair, the script I'm supposed to write isn't the only one-- there's another person making a script of their own plot but still.) Even if I do know what to do, even if it's already in a yellow sticky note posted on my laptop screen-- I just honestly don't want to do anything I don't want right now.
Why? Sometimes, I think, why do I have to do this when someday, it won't matter at all? Someday, in the future, every thing I do will just be a memory that no one will remember except for the thoughts that will come to our head, and even then that too will cease to exist.
Maybe it's just the procrastination kicking in. Maybe it's that horrible depressing feeling I got when I felt I just didn't belong, not really no matter how much I hoped to believe, because the people you thought you were close to had other people they were close to-- or maybe they were just busy of other things that you've no interest of. Maybe. (But it's horrible, sitting alone in a place full of people you know-- have you been alone in a crowded room?)
(It was like high school all over again. Am I cursed? Am I doomed to stay alone for the rest of my life?)
Somehow I feel suspended tonight.