giving up, giving up slowly
You know, sometimes I go into things, or do things that makes me feel disappointed at myself because I never get to where I want to be-- not even near where I am supposed to be. I never try hard enough for it- I try, trust me, I try to my best of abilities, and to the best of the circumstances around me, but it's never, ever enough. I keep falling short, I keep falling behind so much and so far, I keep wondering how the hell am I going to even catch up, and it makes me sad and bitter because I wonder how the hell am I even going to catch up to everybody else, because sometimes, I just really can't catch up. (Because you know, I have other priorities. Or other people have priorities that prevent me from doing so.) Or even if I do try, I know, I just know that it would be too little and maybe too late- and it leads me to not trying to catch up at all. And then I get disappointed at myself for it because I'm so far behind my goals (I'm a freaking failure) and it just leads me more to not trying to get back up again and that makes me even more sad and bitter-- and it's a vicious downward spiral that sometimes, I never find myself out of.
And then, sometimes, I get so angry at everything else (because I'm so angry at myself, it overflows to other things and people), and I get so stressed and worked up about it and just makes me want to abandon everything out of spite. You know, those days, "Why the fuck am I even doing this" or "Why the fuck am I doing this for everybody else but myself" and fuck, can the world just stop for one more second? Can I quit without everything and everyone labeling me as a quitter? (Hah! The word DOES haunt me. I should've known I'd let it bite me again in the ass someday.) Because honestly, honestly, I want to be done with this, I am DONE.
But then, I can't. Sometimes, I just can't.
So I get back up, and I'd try to inch forward on two broken legs that never seems to heal right. If I break my legs again well- it's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop, and I don't know how anyone else can help me because I never ask for it. Because I can never exactly tell what's going on my mind. And mind you, broken bones never heal completely- the cracks always stay behind. (Now replace sometimes with "most of the times".)
Maybe I'll grow stronger because of it, but I know I occasionally get weaker and just hurt myself in the process because of it.
Maybe you know what I'm talking about, and shit, I'd hug you right now if I do. Or just give you a cookie, because I don't want to do hugs for this. (And hell, this actually can apply to a lot of things in my life, be it past or present.)
Welcome to a piece of my mind, I hope you'd enjoyed your stay, please do(n't) come back.