end of the rope......
So it follows, there had to be a scene between me and okaasan. This is of course far worse than usual. I tried being honest and telling her..what I really thought she was doing to me and out came the fits and hysteria and blackmail and every-other-emotionally-distracting-shit-that-i-do-not-need at this time.
I've just totally lost all words and expression. Really, if I can astral project myself out of this realm I will.
And the worst thing is the denial that I'm being held back. I'm so so tired. And I really don't need this. Really, what can I do? She ties me to her pocket and threatens me with money when I'm financially insecure. When opportunities for my own independence and financial securites come by she sweet talks me into letting them go, on the pretext that she can still support me...etc..etc..and out of obedience, filial piety ( damn the Chinese ancients that started this crap) I relent.
How manipulative.
Why is it that it is as if my whole life I owed her the favour of having gave birth to me? Bloody hell, I was a fucking accident ( no not that way okay...there were married, but i wasn't supposed to be..go list out the biological possibilities)
Talk about being a mass of self-contradiction. One day, its not about the money but its about my security and whats-good-for-me. The next time, guess what?...suddenly its all about money..how I'm not earning any when everyone younger than me have got great jobs . Gee I wonder whose fault is that??. Okay ignore the fact that I flunked my exams.
(omg just check out my structure and style. I sound like a 13 yr old narrating Who Wronged Me How. ugh puerile, but oh well..my emotions are raw like that now.)
Oh world...why do you wear me out so....I don't think I can do this anymore. I really don't. But I know I will go on...and plod on..until I drop but that won't be me letting go. No. This is a challenge that I must surmount. Although I am a woman I doubt I need to always let my emotions get ahead of me. I won't.
"Dear Lord, correct me where I'm wrong. Admonish me, heal me, hold me, change me. When no one wants or cares to change, and neither will circumstances... I know then that only I will have to change. I know I was supposed to let go of my dreams and desires but I guess I still can't. I still hold on. "
Anyway, she's threatening to disown me or something now, so perhaps my talk of running away will materialize...albeit in a less glamorously dramatic flair... ( I've always fantasized about running out of the house with a long flowy skirt, beautiful hair streaming behind me, diamond-like tears flowing down from my big-brown eyes onto my porcelain cheeks, barefooted.........
into my car ( abit 'off' i know )
But usually the fantasy ends with me worrying about fuel and the recent price of fuel.
I've just totally lost all words and expression. Really, if I can astral project myself out of this realm I will.
And the worst thing is the denial that I'm being held back. I'm so so tired. And I really don't need this. Really, what can I do? She ties me to her pocket and threatens me with money when I'm financially insecure. When opportunities for my own independence and financial securites come by she sweet talks me into letting them go, on the pretext that she can still support me...etc..etc..and out of obedience, filial piety ( damn the Chinese ancients that started this crap) I relent.
How manipulative.
Why is it that it is as if my whole life I owed her the favour of having gave birth to me? Bloody hell, I was a fucking accident ( no not that way okay...there were married, but i wasn't supposed to be..go list out the biological possibilities)
Talk about being a mass of self-contradiction. One day, its not about the money but its about my security and whats-good-for-me. The next time, guess what?...suddenly its all about money..how I'm not earning any when everyone younger than me have got great jobs . Gee I wonder whose fault is that??. Okay ignore the fact that I flunked my exams.
(omg just check out my structure and style. I sound like a 13 yr old narrating Who Wronged Me How. ugh puerile, but oh well..my emotions are raw like that now.)
Oh world...why do you wear me out so....I don't think I can do this anymore. I really don't. But I know I will go on...and plod on..until I drop but that won't be me letting go. No. This is a challenge that I must surmount. Although I am a woman I doubt I need to always let my emotions get ahead of me. I won't.
"Dear Lord, correct me where I'm wrong. Admonish me, heal me, hold me, change me. When no one wants or cares to change, and neither will circumstances... I know then that only I will have to change. I know I was supposed to let go of my dreams and desires but I guess I still can't. I still hold on. "
Anyway, she's threatening to disown me or something now, so perhaps my talk of running away will materialize...albeit in a less glamorously dramatic flair... ( I've always fantasized about running out of the house with a long flowy skirt, beautiful hair streaming behind me, diamond-like tears flowing down from my big-brown eyes onto my porcelain cheeks, barefooted.........
into my car ( abit 'off' i know )
But usually the fantasy ends with me worrying about fuel and the recent price of fuel.