g2
im starting to think that love just ruins so many things. not like love-love. i mean like, romantic shit. i mean like throwing your heart away from yourself because at this age, or any for that matter, its the thing to do. ive had a boyfriend since i was 14. this is the 2nd boyfriend in almost 6 years. thats effin nuts. i mean i guess its good that i have the ability to stay with the same person for so long and vice versa. that makes me a compatible person, right? but i find again and again that im not compatible with myself.
the last relationship was him being madly in love with me. and me not understand what that even meant. and when i say mad, i mean mad like doing everything for me because he cares. truly cares. a bit obsessive at times. but he would die for me in an instant, without a single trace of a selfish thought. and idk. i guess after time i realized him and i werent compatible. sometimes i still wonder. maybe i shouldnt have broke his heart so bad..that way we could meet up 10 years later, rekindle the fire, and live happily ever after.
oh wait, its life. that never happens! aha!
ok so yea i am actually very much in love with this boyfriend of mine now. hes great. id say a lot more compatible with me than the former. however, i guess he lacks that optimistic that i loved so very much about the other one. but theres tons of qualities to make up for it, of course. i guess the one thing im wondering is how i ended up so in love with him. i think about him all the time. constantly. im worried. im sick. im mad. im fucking mad. and i dont like it. love isnt supposed to feel like this. or at least i think. cuz idk. and fuck love anyway. it never makes sense no matter what angle you look at it. i mean yea everything seems perfect in the movies but thats only because it captures just 2 hours of an entire relationship. the rest sucks. and by the way, we never feel the pain of the characters. and we focus on the joy of it because hell, humans like pleasure. we see it. we want it. we forget the pain that always coexists.
im a lil sick of the whole situation here though. i guess sometimes i wish i wasnt so in love with this kid. because then i wouldnt feel emotionally dependent on anything. but id never want to let him go because i kno where he'd go. right back to his old routine. and that makes me even more sick. more jealous. more mad. and i go in circles!
why is it that we always complain in online journals? like someones gonna go, oh wow that sucks. maybe i could solve this problem. cuz u cant. cuz if u could, i could. and if i could, i wouldnt be ranting at 2am after i finished doing calculus hw for like 2 hours.
i guess im finding myself wishing for life or things in it to be perfect. but im not perfect. so why should these things be? i have to tolerate all this shit like everyone else. life life life. not easy. not at all like the cinema version.
the last relationship was him being madly in love with me. and me not understand what that even meant. and when i say mad, i mean mad like doing everything for me because he cares. truly cares. a bit obsessive at times. but he would die for me in an instant, without a single trace of a selfish thought. and idk. i guess after time i realized him and i werent compatible. sometimes i still wonder. maybe i shouldnt have broke his heart so bad..that way we could meet up 10 years later, rekindle the fire, and live happily ever after.
oh wait, its life. that never happens! aha!
ok so yea i am actually very much in love with this boyfriend of mine now. hes great. id say a lot more compatible with me than the former. however, i guess he lacks that optimistic that i loved so very much about the other one. but theres tons of qualities to make up for it, of course. i guess the one thing im wondering is how i ended up so in love with him. i think about him all the time. constantly. im worried. im sick. im mad. im fucking mad. and i dont like it. love isnt supposed to feel like this. or at least i think. cuz idk. and fuck love anyway. it never makes sense no matter what angle you look at it. i mean yea everything seems perfect in the movies but thats only because it captures just 2 hours of an entire relationship. the rest sucks. and by the way, we never feel the pain of the characters. and we focus on the joy of it because hell, humans like pleasure. we see it. we want it. we forget the pain that always coexists.
im a lil sick of the whole situation here though. i guess sometimes i wish i wasnt so in love with this kid. because then i wouldnt feel emotionally dependent on anything. but id never want to let him go because i kno where he'd go. right back to his old routine. and that makes me even more sick. more jealous. more mad. and i go in circles!
why is it that we always complain in online journals? like someones gonna go, oh wow that sucks. maybe i could solve this problem. cuz u cant. cuz if u could, i could. and if i could, i wouldnt be ranting at 2am after i finished doing calculus hw for like 2 hours.
i guess im finding myself wishing for life or things in it to be perfect. but im not perfect. so why should these things be? i have to tolerate all this shit like everyone else. life life life. not easy. not at all like the cinema version.