new outlook
ok so i needed some time to myself. a moment of peace. which i got. thank God. literally.
i realized i put myself in a situation. and i dont mean got myself into it. or happened to get into it. i mean PUT myself there. so i have to learn how to :
a. trust myself
b. trust people
c. stop lying
d. become more dependable (more myself and others)
e. listen to my gut
A. TRUST OF SELF
well since i dont trust myself i have this period where i doubt whether or not i made the right choice. even though when i made it, i never felt so sure of something. how does that work? idk im insane! duh!
B. TRUST OF OTHERS
when other people tell me they love me, they mean it just as much as i do. for some reason im so scared that they feel that way for the moment. but then again thats all we really have isnt it? arent we always in the moment? yeah thats another paradox. speaking of which. i love my boyfriend- full of paradoxes. hes teaching me so much. and i should be happy with him. because he was the best choice i ever made.
C. TRUTH or FALSE
okay so i have this bad habit of lying because i think that lying is going to actually make it better. WRONG! listen to abe lincoln and tell the f-n truth! we dont like being lied to by politicians. we dont like being lied to by our parents. we dont like being lied to by our companions. so why should we do the same? idk. i dont know a lot, do i? well justin says im typical. and not a bad way. because i should know im not alone.
D. DEPENDENCY
oddly i want to be dependent on myself which really means independence. but i want others to feel they can rely on me. for instance, i dont gossip anymore. i think its very childish and ive seen too many time the problems it creates. i dont like talking shit about people (thank you corey stein) and i see that you just feel bad afterwards no matter what. like ok so i never liked carlee wines. and maybe i said shit. and now shes dead. and wow i didnt even know the girl. if someone talked ish about me and didnt know who i was id be pissed. but if i was dead i mean i probably wouldnt care. however, i had a dream i was playing with her hair and i said, Carlee..I'm really sorry for all the things i said. im sure you were a great person somehow. I feel really bad about what happened. and she looked at me and smiled. and she said, Don't worry. It's ok. Everything's fine. i love dreams. they reveal a lot. although i tend to dream of snakes and tornadoes and im not too sure what that means yet. interesting. ok.
E. THE GUT KNOWS
when youre gut or soul or conscious or jiminy cricket buddy is screaming at you to listen. DO IT. ugh i wouldve saved myself sooo much trouble if i did that. its ridiculous. id be a lot happier im sure. might not have learned anything though. and maybe later on id commit that mistake and have to face WAY worse consequences. so whether or not it was meant to happen is something ill never know. but im kinda glad it did.
so bottom line. im very emotional right now. i feel bad for justin. i think i cry like every night. i feel like a piece of shit. and whats worse, is that i know i shouldnt because i didnt have intentions as bad as what some had thought. people probably thought that what i did was extremely arrogant. but ya know what i think? everyone is at some point or another. i just learned again that its not right. and it didnt feel right doing it. and everyone gets it in the end. and to those who dont, well..youd be a lot happier if you did.
no pain
no gain
i love you justin. thanks for being there for me. i never needed anyone so much than right now.
i realized i put myself in a situation. and i dont mean got myself into it. or happened to get into it. i mean PUT myself there. so i have to learn how to :
a. trust myself
b. trust people
c. stop lying
d. become more dependable (more myself and others)
e. listen to my gut
A. TRUST OF SELF
well since i dont trust myself i have this period where i doubt whether or not i made the right choice. even though when i made it, i never felt so sure of something. how does that work? idk im insane! duh!
B. TRUST OF OTHERS
when other people tell me they love me, they mean it just as much as i do. for some reason im so scared that they feel that way for the moment. but then again thats all we really have isnt it? arent we always in the moment? yeah thats another paradox. speaking of which. i love my boyfriend- full of paradoxes. hes teaching me so much. and i should be happy with him. because he was the best choice i ever made.
C. TRUTH or FALSE
okay so i have this bad habit of lying because i think that lying is going to actually make it better. WRONG! listen to abe lincoln and tell the f-n truth! we dont like being lied to by politicians. we dont like being lied to by our parents. we dont like being lied to by our companions. so why should we do the same? idk. i dont know a lot, do i? well justin says im typical. and not a bad way. because i should know im not alone.
D. DEPENDENCY
oddly i want to be dependent on myself which really means independence. but i want others to feel they can rely on me. for instance, i dont gossip anymore. i think its very childish and ive seen too many time the problems it creates. i dont like talking shit about people (thank you corey stein) and i see that you just feel bad afterwards no matter what. like ok so i never liked carlee wines. and maybe i said shit. and now shes dead. and wow i didnt even know the girl. if someone talked ish about me and didnt know who i was id be pissed. but if i was dead i mean i probably wouldnt care. however, i had a dream i was playing with her hair and i said, Carlee..I'm really sorry for all the things i said. im sure you were a great person somehow. I feel really bad about what happened. and she looked at me and smiled. and she said, Don't worry. It's ok. Everything's fine. i love dreams. they reveal a lot. although i tend to dream of snakes and tornadoes and im not too sure what that means yet. interesting. ok.
E. THE GUT KNOWS
when youre gut or soul or conscious or jiminy cricket buddy is screaming at you to listen. DO IT. ugh i wouldve saved myself sooo much trouble if i did that. its ridiculous. id be a lot happier im sure. might not have learned anything though. and maybe later on id commit that mistake and have to face WAY worse consequences. so whether or not it was meant to happen is something ill never know. but im kinda glad it did.
so bottom line. im very emotional right now. i feel bad for justin. i think i cry like every night. i feel like a piece of shit. and whats worse, is that i know i shouldnt because i didnt have intentions as bad as what some had thought. people probably thought that what i did was extremely arrogant. but ya know what i think? everyone is at some point or another. i just learned again that its not right. and it didnt feel right doing it. and everyone gets it in the end. and to those who dont, well..youd be a lot happier if you did.
no pain
no gain
i love you justin. thanks for being there for me. i never needed anyone so much than right now.