To the house-mates:
1 - GET THE FUCK OUT THE KITCHEN SOMETIMES. You have been in there ALL DAY. Either you were watching TV, or fucking around on your laptop, or sorting your mail, or reading a book, or something else that DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO BE IN THE KITCHEN AND KEEPS ME FROM USING IT. I'm fucking hungry and I can't cook because you spread your shit all over the table and then sit in there and try to chat with me awkwardly if I go in.
2 - Is someone trying to kill you? Really. There has to be someone after you for you to be so fucking paranoid. First you check every room in the house if you notice that the door has been left unlocked, even when you or someone else is already home. Then you freak out and call my name down the stairs and make me prove that I'm alone when you hear me downstairs when you didn't know I was home.
Then, yesterday I knocked on the door for you to let me in because I accidentally left my house key with my car key and left it at the shop down the street. You proceeded to LOSE YOUR SHIT because someone knocked at the door at 5:30PM. You readied your cel phone, peeked out the window, and then slowly cracked the door open to see who it was. When you saw it was me you let out a huge sigh of relief and told me you were really scared to answer the door because you didn't know it was me. What the fuck, lady?
3 - Tell your boyfriend to cut the shit or kick him out. He's way too old to bitch at you so damn much over stupid shit-- you're not his mom. Recently his bitching at you has started huge screaming fights between the two of you every other fucking day, and it's driving me crazy. When you asked me to keep a half-empty case of wine bottles in my room so he couldn't get to them? Actually scared the shit out of me, thanks.
4 - Bad news: The four packages of pre-made Weight Watchers approved pudding cups are not going to make you lose any weight. It's pre-made pudding, it doesn't matter how many points it is, it's not helping.
5 - STOP GOING INTO MY BATHROOM AND THEN TELLING ME TO CLEAN IT. STOP IT. You're a clever bitch for conveniently leaving my promised only-for-me bathroom out of the lease and then making me share it with the other girl while she was here, and now because it's not technically "mine" you're allowed to go in there whenever you want, and that's just fucking rude.
2 - Is someone trying to kill you? Really. There has to be someone after you for you to be so fucking paranoid. First you check every room in the house if you notice that the door has been left unlocked, even when you or someone else is already home. Then you freak out and call my name down the stairs and make me prove that I'm alone when you hear me downstairs when you didn't know I was home.
Then, yesterday I knocked on the door for you to let me in because I accidentally left my house key with my car key and left it at the shop down the street. You proceeded to LOSE YOUR SHIT because someone knocked at the door at 5:30PM. You readied your cel phone, peeked out the window, and then slowly cracked the door open to see who it was. When you saw it was me you let out a huge sigh of relief and told me you were really scared to answer the door because you didn't know it was me. What the fuck, lady?
3 - Tell your boyfriend to cut the shit or kick him out. He's way too old to bitch at you so damn much over stupid shit-- you're not his mom. Recently his bitching at you has started huge screaming fights between the two of you every other fucking day, and it's driving me crazy. When you asked me to keep a half-empty case of wine bottles in my room so he couldn't get to them? Actually scared the shit out of me, thanks.
4 - Bad news: The four packages of pre-made Weight Watchers approved pudding cups are not going to make you lose any weight. It's pre-made pudding, it doesn't matter how many points it is, it's not helping.
5 - STOP GOING INTO MY BATHROOM AND THEN TELLING ME TO CLEAN IT. STOP IT. You're a clever bitch for conveniently leaving my promised only-for-me bathroom out of the lease and then making me share it with the other girl while she was here, and now because it's not technically "mine" you're allowed to go in there whenever you want, and that's just fucking rude.