thinking way too much...
I'm currently stuck up north in the hellish white shit they call snow...
I personally would'nt mind living up here, but I don't think I could...
Everything is falling apart again, I don't know where I'm supposed to be, and it really sucks...
I talked to Ryan just a few moments ago... He's changed completely... I think he still thinks we're together, (my bad) but he's changed alot, and it's scary to comprehend. If I was to move up here, I would turn into what he is. In a sense, I would'nt mind that, because he is so life struck, but yet so clinically depressed. It's so scary. I'm personally afriad for him, and have no idea why. He's just so different. I know in a sense, I'm like him, but my mind is blocked. There's just a blockage in my mind, and there always has been. I let it go for so long, but talking to him, he reminded me. I need to find it, but the only way I can find it, is if I go back to the way things use to be with me, and that's not something I need to do. Why cant I just go back in time and fix everything???
I'm not trying to dwell on the past, I'm simply trying to understand my future, if that makes any logical sense...
My present situation leaves me to wonder if what I am doing is actually correct!?! I'm not sure what to do anymore, and it's not fair to anyone... It hurts so much to do this... I just wish I could go back in time and fix everything...
If I could, I would first fix it to where when I was little, I actually went out and made some friends, instead of sitting in my room. I would of found things that made me happy, instead of being depressed, which lead to some other stupid things that does'nt need to be said... Maybe then I could of fixed the relationship between my parents so they would'nt of went through sheer utter hell... I would fix things between me and my little brother, because right now he does'nt know me that well, and hates me... If I would'nt of forced myself to be so confused, I could of saved my relationship with Ryan, instead of breaking his heart all the time, instead of now, him being so utterly alone. and if i could do that, Caleb's heart would'nt be so broken, and John would be happy aswell...
I know people make mistakes, but mine have been one after another, after another, and it won't quit. It breaks my heart to know everything thing I have done, and can't fix. There's no reason for it. I don't know what's wrong with me! I just want to fix everything. If I could fix everything, I would'nt be looking for an apartment right now, because I would be in a nice warm house, sleeping in my nice warm bed, thinking of my nice sweet boyfriend that I dont have, and I certanlly would'nt be kicked out of my dad's house...
But on the other hand, In a way, I'm happy that this happened. This gives me a chance to grow up, and prove everyone wrong. The things I can accomplish are going to be well worth it. I will actually have the chaance to experience life. It's going to be difficult, I know this, but if it has to be done-
I feel that if I don't do this, I'll never be happy... I know that by doing this, it will indeed get to me, but it's the only way I can truely figure out who I am.
I lost sight of who I am... When I was in 8th grade, I had this huge plan... I knew everything about life without ever expeirencing it. Somehow, I lost sight of that, and now, something just triggered it. Maybe because now I feel a little depressed, or maybe because I just talked to Ryan. I don't know, but I need to find what I'm looking for...
I know what people are going to think when and if they read this, but all I can say is think what you want...
"If you don't like something about yourself, change it, you're the only one who can" + Ryan Scott Koch
The only thing I can do is be completely honest with who I am, and who I'm around...
I dont know what else I can say...
~JaDe
I personally would'nt mind living up here, but I don't think I could...
Everything is falling apart again, I don't know where I'm supposed to be, and it really sucks...
I talked to Ryan just a few moments ago... He's changed completely... I think he still thinks we're together, (my bad) but he's changed alot, and it's scary to comprehend. If I was to move up here, I would turn into what he is. In a sense, I would'nt mind that, because he is so life struck, but yet so clinically depressed. It's so scary. I'm personally afriad for him, and have no idea why. He's just so different. I know in a sense, I'm like him, but my mind is blocked. There's just a blockage in my mind, and there always has been. I let it go for so long, but talking to him, he reminded me. I need to find it, but the only way I can find it, is if I go back to the way things use to be with me, and that's not something I need to do. Why cant I just go back in time and fix everything???
I'm not trying to dwell on the past, I'm simply trying to understand my future, if that makes any logical sense...
My present situation leaves me to wonder if what I am doing is actually correct!?! I'm not sure what to do anymore, and it's not fair to anyone... It hurts so much to do this... I just wish I could go back in time and fix everything...
If I could, I would first fix it to where when I was little, I actually went out and made some friends, instead of sitting in my room. I would of found things that made me happy, instead of being depressed, which lead to some other stupid things that does'nt need to be said... Maybe then I could of fixed the relationship between my parents so they would'nt of went through sheer utter hell... I would fix things between me and my little brother, because right now he does'nt know me that well, and hates me... If I would'nt of forced myself to be so confused, I could of saved my relationship with Ryan, instead of breaking his heart all the time, instead of now, him being so utterly alone. and if i could do that, Caleb's heart would'nt be so broken, and John would be happy aswell...
I know people make mistakes, but mine have been one after another, after another, and it won't quit. It breaks my heart to know everything thing I have done, and can't fix. There's no reason for it. I don't know what's wrong with me! I just want to fix everything. If I could fix everything, I would'nt be looking for an apartment right now, because I would be in a nice warm house, sleeping in my nice warm bed, thinking of my nice sweet boyfriend that I dont have, and I certanlly would'nt be kicked out of my dad's house...
But on the other hand, In a way, I'm happy that this happened. This gives me a chance to grow up, and prove everyone wrong. The things I can accomplish are going to be well worth it. I will actually have the chaance to experience life. It's going to be difficult, I know this, but if it has to be done-
I feel that if I don't do this, I'll never be happy... I know that by doing this, it will indeed get to me, but it's the only way I can truely figure out who I am.
I lost sight of who I am... When I was in 8th grade, I had this huge plan... I knew everything about life without ever expeirencing it. Somehow, I lost sight of that, and now, something just triggered it. Maybe because now I feel a little depressed, or maybe because I just talked to Ryan. I don't know, but I need to find what I'm looking for...
I know what people are going to think when and if they read this, but all I can say is think what you want...
"If you don't like something about yourself, change it, you're the only one who can" + Ryan Scott Koch
The only thing I can do is be completely honest with who I am, and who I'm around...
I dont know what else I can say...
~JaDe