god rest your lonely soul
i've come to terms with the fact that happiness is not something to be strived for. it isnt a goal to set for yourself or something to be put on a pedestal. one can not attain happiness; it can be achieved on many different levels, but it is never a straight "today i am happy."
overall the days have been much better recently. i am still struggling immensely with the same feelings as always, but the future looks maybe not so bleak. i used wonder what it all meant and why depression exists and how people just go through their life feeling miserable, and then i realized that not many people go through much of their life feeling miserable. one day it will all come down to live or die. will i let this green monster that rides that stationary bike of self doubt and guilt and shame and self-punishment take its last toll on me or will i choose to live? i chose to live and everyday its a choice i have to make. i've had a close friend end his own life and at the time i didnt understand his pain. i remember thinking that suicide is not a selfish act and that anyone who goes through with it must feel an immense pain that only those with this disease must feel..and now i understand. i've been there, but fortunately i have the most amazing family that will never give up on me. friends may come and go, but no matter how bad i fuck up or how low i feel my family is always there to help me crawl out of bed and face it.
i really do love my job.
the weather is cooling.
i feel that maybe this winter will not only be my last in this valley, but a great one as well. i feel that i am building up the strength to get out and do things.
go places.
be someone.
overall the days have been much better recently. i am still struggling immensely with the same feelings as always, but the future looks maybe not so bleak. i used wonder what it all meant and why depression exists and how people just go through their life feeling miserable, and then i realized that not many people go through much of their life feeling miserable. one day it will all come down to live or die. will i let this green monster that rides that stationary bike of self doubt and guilt and shame and self-punishment take its last toll on me or will i choose to live? i chose to live and everyday its a choice i have to make. i've had a close friend end his own life and at the time i didnt understand his pain. i remember thinking that suicide is not a selfish act and that anyone who goes through with it must feel an immense pain that only those with this disease must feel..and now i understand. i've been there, but fortunately i have the most amazing family that will never give up on me. friends may come and go, but no matter how bad i fuck up or how low i feel my family is always there to help me crawl out of bed and face it.
i really do love my job.
the weather is cooling.
i feel that maybe this winter will not only be my last in this valley, but a great one as well. i feel that i am building up the strength to get out and do things.
go places.
be someone.