Morning Comes, And Here I Am To Witness (A Long Forgone Friend, or An Arch Nemisis?)
Insomniac's Log, Friday, June 19th, 2009 - 6:34 AM.
I have lost all track of day, date, and time. I didn't even know it was Friday until I checked the date just now (I was convinced it was Wednesday). Welcome to summer, I suppose? Perception is such a fickle, relative thing when you remove the normalcy of a situation. Maybe that's something of an appeal, though maybe it's also the detractor. But who am I to judge, for I embrace the inane not like a welcome change, nor like a enlightening experiment, but more as an addict looking for one last score, one last feeling, one last rush of adrenaline pumping through every corner of my body, wriggling around my bones, crawling across my skin. I feel the aches forming across my neck, my back, my legs; my eyes sag in the mirror, my hair becomes frizzy, and I yawn; my heart beats slowly, knowing I'm overexerting myself, attempting to keep myself as subdued as possible, yet my mind contends with the ebb and flow of theory - idea - imagination - insinuation - contemplation - realization - thousands, upon millions, upon billions of electrical impulses bolting through my cerebrum as if it were struck by lightning. A rush and a drug, only a life vampires are to know so well. I am a creature of the night, though I won't take your blood. I live in the darkness, lit by the artificial until the natural overcomes, and I retreat to the depths of the debt my body has accrued.
I am an insomniac. No, I haven't even seen any sort of doctor about it. So technically, I've never been diagnosed. But their opinions matter not, because I know better. I am an insomniac, and it is one of my most unique faults. It's not that I can't sleep, no, because I certainly can if I really tried. And it's not as if I don't enjoy sleep, because there is nothing more refreshing than eight hours of dream-filled, uninterrupted, fulfilling sleep. It's that I simply do not like sleeping. I never have. My mom always stayed up late, and I was always banished to my bed, told to sleep instead of experience the strange world that I was given no knowledge to after the sun set. That was then, back in the age of naïvety and youth.
And this is now: I am an insomniac. I always had trouble sleeping; I've always had trouble calming down my mind. I've never been good at sitting in one place for too long, because sooner or later, the avalanche of thoughts will always begin to tumble downhill within my mind. It's an unstoppable force of thought, a force only merely numbed, dulled, and slowed with a healthy dose of alcohol - my only "cure," my only tool to easily pass my body into sleep when it is unwilling. Unhealthy, yeah, I know, but so is insomnia. What's unhealthy is not letting your body recycle itself; what is not healthy is refusing your body the chance to rest and recover. Stringing yourself out, they call it.
But I can't help myself. Sleep feels good, but life feels so much better. I've always hated mornings - they're good for nothing except for maybe a temporary state of anticipation for the sun's rising over the horizon's treeline. Breakfast tends to make me sick, and as fun as pancakes and doughnuts are, they're not worth the effort of waking up early. I'm not a coffee person either. And who honestly enjoys waking up anyway? Who enjoys the cessation of their dreams, as they are thrust back into the real world by a bright light floating through the sky like a villain, stealing your subconscious from your mind's grasp? Not I, not I.
Rejecting sleep feels so good. When I sleep at night, I feel as if I'm missing something crucial. When everyone else sleeps, the world is in a state of pause. If you don't have a watch with you, midnight could be 5:00, or 4:00 could be 10:00, you wouldn't know. The world is a state of limbo without the sun, and I love it. The night is wonderful, and the morning its antonym. I should sleep through the morning, yes, but... I just don't. Sometimes, I just don't. I can't, though I can, but I don't. It makes no sense to me sometimes... But staying up is a rush, a thrill, an addiction. As if I were testing my body. I know it's unhealthy, and I know that I should sleep. But sometimes, like tonight, I just don't want to. Sometimes I just want to stay awake, because sleeping is a minor inconvenience of my life; because sleeping is a goddamned fallibility of my body that I have no choice but to deal with. Maybe this is my rebellion against nature, or maybe it is completely illogical, I don't know. But I am an insomniac, whether you like it or not. Take me or leave me, because I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going to be starting a Sims story soon. It's Kaitlin's thing... I've seen them before, but I've never experimented with them. I've set up the stage for this story of mine, and I like the direction I intend to take it. But that's in the future. Chicago is also in the fturue: My mom seems to think that we will be heading there sometime before or after Independence Day. I think it'd be fun to spend Independence Day in Chicago, in such a wonderful, tremendous, loving, breathing, vibrant city. I'd love to watch fireworks there. I was in Chicago for Christmas, but I was not ready to leave when I did. I have to make up for lost time if I in fact return once more. Sears Tower, I'm looking at you. If the plans work right, and I am in fact going, I absolutely cannot wait.
The way The Sims Story works, at least the way Kaitlin is doing it, is that you show your Sims profile along with their pictures before you start and whatnot. Well, if you know anything about lunatics/dorks like myself, you know that we're obsessive, and love making lists about nothing in particular. Thus, I'll do one, but for myself... Just cause....
Chris Fox: Hopeless Romantic, Insomniac, Artistic, Loner, Vegetarian
Favorite Music: Explosions In The Sky, The Decemberists, Stars, Broken Social Scene, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes, Sigur Rós, The Pillows, !!!, The Arcade Fire.
Favorite Food: Cheese Pizza
Favorite Color: Blue
Aspiration: Novelist
Likes: Music, Internet, Not Wearing Pants, Japanese, Pepsi.
Dislikes: Morning, Mushrooms, Impatient People, Hot Weather, Math.
Greatest Benefits: Imaginative, Understanding, Caring
Worst Faults: Inability To Sleep Healthily, Physically Weak, Shy
Philosophical Belief: Very Ethical
Religious Philosophy: Fate
Political Ideal: Liberal
Ideal Habitat: Metropolis
Philias: Staying Awake, Video Games, Daydreaming
Phobias: Thunderstorms, Needles, Lonelines
I have lost all track of day, date, and time. I didn't even know it was Friday until I checked the date just now (I was convinced it was Wednesday). Welcome to summer, I suppose? Perception is such a fickle, relative thing when you remove the normalcy of a situation. Maybe that's something of an appeal, though maybe it's also the detractor. But who am I to judge, for I embrace the inane not like a welcome change, nor like a enlightening experiment, but more as an addict looking for one last score, one last feeling, one last rush of adrenaline pumping through every corner of my body, wriggling around my bones, crawling across my skin. I feel the aches forming across my neck, my back, my legs; my eyes sag in the mirror, my hair becomes frizzy, and I yawn; my heart beats slowly, knowing I'm overexerting myself, attempting to keep myself as subdued as possible, yet my mind contends with the ebb and flow of theory - idea - imagination - insinuation - contemplation - realization - thousands, upon millions, upon billions of electrical impulses bolting through my cerebrum as if it were struck by lightning. A rush and a drug, only a life vampires are to know so well. I am a creature of the night, though I won't take your blood. I live in the darkness, lit by the artificial until the natural overcomes, and I retreat to the depths of the debt my body has accrued.
I am an insomniac. No, I haven't even seen any sort of doctor about it. So technically, I've never been diagnosed. But their opinions matter not, because I know better. I am an insomniac, and it is one of my most unique faults. It's not that I can't sleep, no, because I certainly can if I really tried. And it's not as if I don't enjoy sleep, because there is nothing more refreshing than eight hours of dream-filled, uninterrupted, fulfilling sleep. It's that I simply do not like sleeping. I never have. My mom always stayed up late, and I was always banished to my bed, told to sleep instead of experience the strange world that I was given no knowledge to after the sun set. That was then, back in the age of naïvety and youth.
And this is now: I am an insomniac. I always had trouble sleeping; I've always had trouble calming down my mind. I've never been good at sitting in one place for too long, because sooner or later, the avalanche of thoughts will always begin to tumble downhill within my mind. It's an unstoppable force of thought, a force only merely numbed, dulled, and slowed with a healthy dose of alcohol - my only "cure," my only tool to easily pass my body into sleep when it is unwilling. Unhealthy, yeah, I know, but so is insomnia. What's unhealthy is not letting your body recycle itself; what is not healthy is refusing your body the chance to rest and recover. Stringing yourself out, they call it.
But I can't help myself. Sleep feels good, but life feels so much better. I've always hated mornings - they're good for nothing except for maybe a temporary state of anticipation for the sun's rising over the horizon's treeline. Breakfast tends to make me sick, and as fun as pancakes and doughnuts are, they're not worth the effort of waking up early. I'm not a coffee person either. And who honestly enjoys waking up anyway? Who enjoys the cessation of their dreams, as they are thrust back into the real world by a bright light floating through the sky like a villain, stealing your subconscious from your mind's grasp? Not I, not I.
Rejecting sleep feels so good. When I sleep at night, I feel as if I'm missing something crucial. When everyone else sleeps, the world is in a state of pause. If you don't have a watch with you, midnight could be 5:00, or 4:00 could be 10:00, you wouldn't know. The world is a state of limbo without the sun, and I love it. The night is wonderful, and the morning its antonym. I should sleep through the morning, yes, but... I just don't. Sometimes, I just don't. I can't, though I can, but I don't. It makes no sense to me sometimes... But staying up is a rush, a thrill, an addiction. As if I were testing my body. I know it's unhealthy, and I know that I should sleep. But sometimes, like tonight, I just don't want to. Sometimes I just want to stay awake, because sleeping is a minor inconvenience of my life; because sleeping is a goddamned fallibility of my body that I have no choice but to deal with. Maybe this is my rebellion against nature, or maybe it is completely illogical, I don't know. But I am an insomniac, whether you like it or not. Take me or leave me, because I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going to be starting a Sims story soon. It's Kaitlin's thing... I've seen them before, but I've never experimented with them. I've set up the stage for this story of mine, and I like the direction I intend to take it. But that's in the future. Chicago is also in the fturue: My mom seems to think that we will be heading there sometime before or after Independence Day. I think it'd be fun to spend Independence Day in Chicago, in such a wonderful, tremendous, loving, breathing, vibrant city. I'd love to watch fireworks there. I was in Chicago for Christmas, but I was not ready to leave when I did. I have to make up for lost time if I in fact return once more. Sears Tower, I'm looking at you. If the plans work right, and I am in fact going, I absolutely cannot wait.
The way The Sims Story works, at least the way Kaitlin is doing it, is that you show your Sims profile along with their pictures before you start and whatnot. Well, if you know anything about lunatics/dorks like myself, you know that we're obsessive, and love making lists about nothing in particular. Thus, I'll do one, but for myself... Just cause....
Chris Fox: Hopeless Romantic, Insomniac, Artistic, Loner, Vegetarian
Favorite Music: Explosions In The Sky, The Decemberists, Stars, Broken Social Scene, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes, Sigur Rós, The Pillows, !!!, The Arcade Fire.
Favorite Food: Cheese Pizza
Favorite Color: Blue
Aspiration: Novelist
Likes: Music, Internet, Not Wearing Pants, Japanese, Pepsi.
Dislikes: Morning, Mushrooms, Impatient People, Hot Weather, Math.
Greatest Benefits: Imaginative, Understanding, Caring
Worst Faults: Inability To Sleep Healthily, Physically Weak, Shy
Philosophical Belief: Very Ethical
Religious Philosophy: Fate
Political Ideal: Liberal
Ideal Habitat: Metropolis
Philias: Staying Awake, Video Games, Daydreaming
Phobias: Thunderstorms, Needles, Lonelines