What the hell happened to me?
I know that no one reads my journal anymore because I haven't posted here in something like two years. But I need someplace to type down my thoughts since they are what is keeping me from getting any sleep tonight. Who knows, maybe they'll still bother me after I've typed them all out.
Things haven't been the best lately. Living in Atlanta has presented a lot of issues. The greatest problem lately is that the car that I bought just a few months ago has now completely died on me (guess that's what I get for getting a cheap-o '91 Volvo) and I need a NEW car. But that has proved to be a real pain in the ass since I have not very good credit - however it's not bad... just mediocre. So I've been having to bum rides in early in the morning with Nicki. I'm pretty tired of having to rely on others for the things I need to do in my life.
Also, being here in Atlanta means that I hardly ever get to see any friends. I have one good friend that lives about two hours away - I get to see him about once a month. But no one to hang out with on a consistent basis. I didn't realize until the other night just how much that has affected me. I really want to move somewhere - anywhere - that I have friends and family. Kansas City is Nicki's top choice right now - she's been searching for a job back there for over a year now. I'm not so sure that I'd find anything that I'd want to do there. But then, Nicki is more or less resistant to the idea of moving to the Northeast, where there are a lot of book publishers that I could find a job that I would love. It's quite the dilemma, and thinking about it has been extremely draining.
Tonight I made the mistake of cracking open my senior yearbook. Looking at the faces and inscriptions from all the people that I knew back then - those whom I have kept in touch with, and those that I have more or less completely forgotten about. I was okay until I got into the section with all the teachers and such - I never realized that almost all of them said something to the effect that I was an extremely talented individual. I'm not sure if I just shrugged those comments off or what, but I actually thought about it tonight. And dammit, I may not have been a child prodigy by any means, but I did have a lot of things that I truly loved to do. I played clarinet and sang in the chorus. I acted in every play that my school put on since my sophomore year, and I did a lot of writing.
I do none of those things now. It made me stop and think, 'when did I stop doing the things that I love? When did I trade those things in for things that I hate doing?' I stopped playing clarinet the day I graduated from high school, and I haven't sung with a chorus since that day either. Sure, I sing to myself in the car, but that really doesn't count at all. I did some acting in college, and did reasonably well at it. Took one play to a college conference and nearly won to go to the national conference. The last thing I did in a theatre was to run the lights and sound for an EAT production. And really I haven't done any creative writing... nothing that I've finished anyways... for about four or five years now.
I used to run cross-country. Again, not very good, but it kept me in shape and it was a sport that I actually enjoyed. I think mostly for the fact that it did not require any hand-eye coordination. Now I get on the treadmill maybe once every month and find myself huffing and puffing after running for a half mile.
So, I find myself having graduated from college with a degree that I took because I didn't really know what else to do, a job that I am bored to tears and extremely frustrated with, living in a city that I can never really relax in, no friends nearby, and a troubled relationship. I feel like a completely different person than who I was 8 years ago, or even 3 years ago. Some of those changes are for the better, but I feel like the negative changes outweigh those that I am happy with. I am more financially savvy, and no matter what problems my current relationship faces, it will never be worse than those that I was in previously. But yeah... still find myself wondering if I am going to wind up being one of those people who looks back at high school being the high point of their life. I don't want to be that person. I'd like to know that all my struggle through college and through all the other crap I've been through was for something better than what I had before. Who knew that that life would be so difficult to find? Why don't they teach you THAT in school?
Well... I have to be up in five hours so I think that officially concludes this entry. Who knows just how long it will be until my next one?
Things haven't been the best lately. Living in Atlanta has presented a lot of issues. The greatest problem lately is that the car that I bought just a few months ago has now completely died on me (guess that's what I get for getting a cheap-o '91 Volvo) and I need a NEW car. But that has proved to be a real pain in the ass since I have not very good credit - however it's not bad... just mediocre. So I've been having to bum rides in early in the morning with Nicki. I'm pretty tired of having to rely on others for the things I need to do in my life.
Also, being here in Atlanta means that I hardly ever get to see any friends. I have one good friend that lives about two hours away - I get to see him about once a month. But no one to hang out with on a consistent basis. I didn't realize until the other night just how much that has affected me. I really want to move somewhere - anywhere - that I have friends and family. Kansas City is Nicki's top choice right now - she's been searching for a job back there for over a year now. I'm not so sure that I'd find anything that I'd want to do there. But then, Nicki is more or less resistant to the idea of moving to the Northeast, where there are a lot of book publishers that I could find a job that I would love. It's quite the dilemma, and thinking about it has been extremely draining.
Tonight I made the mistake of cracking open my senior yearbook. Looking at the faces and inscriptions from all the people that I knew back then - those whom I have kept in touch with, and those that I have more or less completely forgotten about. I was okay until I got into the section with all the teachers and such - I never realized that almost all of them said something to the effect that I was an extremely talented individual. I'm not sure if I just shrugged those comments off or what, but I actually thought about it tonight. And dammit, I may not have been a child prodigy by any means, but I did have a lot of things that I truly loved to do. I played clarinet and sang in the chorus. I acted in every play that my school put on since my sophomore year, and I did a lot of writing.
I do none of those things now. It made me stop and think, 'when did I stop doing the things that I love? When did I trade those things in for things that I hate doing?' I stopped playing clarinet the day I graduated from high school, and I haven't sung with a chorus since that day either. Sure, I sing to myself in the car, but that really doesn't count at all. I did some acting in college, and did reasonably well at it. Took one play to a college conference and nearly won to go to the national conference. The last thing I did in a theatre was to run the lights and sound for an EAT production. And really I haven't done any creative writing... nothing that I've finished anyways... for about four or five years now.
I used to run cross-country. Again, not very good, but it kept me in shape and it was a sport that I actually enjoyed. I think mostly for the fact that it did not require any hand-eye coordination. Now I get on the treadmill maybe once every month and find myself huffing and puffing after running for a half mile.
So, I find myself having graduated from college with a degree that I took because I didn't really know what else to do, a job that I am bored to tears and extremely frustrated with, living in a city that I can never really relax in, no friends nearby, and a troubled relationship. I feel like a completely different person than who I was 8 years ago, or even 3 years ago. Some of those changes are for the better, but I feel like the negative changes outweigh those that I am happy with. I am more financially savvy, and no matter what problems my current relationship faces, it will never be worse than those that I was in previously. But yeah... still find myself wondering if I am going to wind up being one of those people who looks back at high school being the high point of their life. I don't want to be that person. I'd like to know that all my struggle through college and through all the other crap I've been through was for something better than what I had before. Who knew that that life would be so difficult to find? Why don't they teach you THAT in school?
Well... I have to be up in five hours so I think that officially concludes this entry. Who knows just how long it will be until my next one?