(no subject)
Seeing Nathalie's post and seeing one of my friends whole page dedicated to the fact that she got engaged has got me thinking. Before I say anything I hope nobody gets offended because everyoen is entitled to choose their way of getting married. Shit, ill be lucky if i get there. But this is simply my idea, what i want but i cant have.
Well all of this talk makes me feel bad when i think about my boyfriend. Or in other words, I feel bad for him. This is simply because its been so lon since we have been together. We have had so many ups and downs and most of the time its been downs because of circumstances beyond our control or even because of misunderstandings. But we are still here and that must only mean one thing. However, I just feel like he might think i do not care of love him or never wish to get married but the fact is what girl does not care about these things?? Its funny because even though this is what I want, I stop it from realizing it. I know that if it were up to him we would have been married since the first time he proposed back a few years. But there was so much drama in my life, me being underage in all, I just dont think it was the right time. And I still dont. My idea of marriage has always been so sacred and I respect that idea to the fullest, I dont want to tarnish the idea by getting a paper that says we are married.and thats it. I dont need that. Why do I need a paper that says I'm married if I live with him as a couple and we do everything as if we were married? I dont need a paper to tell me that im married. I know im married as of a long time ago. But the idea of having to go to a court house to sign some papers to make it official simply ruins the whole idea about getting married for me. Its almost like a chore. I dont think i'll ever get married if I have to sign some documents. and ta-da ur married. NO...dont think so.
SO what is my idea of marriage???
Well for starters, it does not matter the size or the elegance or any of that. IF any of that implied anything, many of who could afford this would not be divorced. I know I am not the most romantic person out there but u bet that my wedding day better be. So my idea of marriage is one where i can arrive at my destination whether it be a church, beach, w/e and not have to worry if there is another couple whose appointment is 30 minutes after mine, etc., that ill have to go home after signing the papers, change from my dress (if you even wear one) and then go to a restaurant or something. NO!!! you can do that any other day. Its OUR wedding. I'd like to think that the world stops for you on this day. I would like to have a small ceremony where I can say whatever i need to say and let him know that i mean it. Not just words that a priest or the person at court tells you to repeat. I want to take my time taking pictures. I want to have the people who are closest to me (who are not going to be there just for the food or talk shit), and most defintely people that are going to be happy about seeing us together. The whole act of getting married needs to be memorable in its entirety. I mean, there is no way that that day is going to happen again with the same person. I dont know what i would do if thinking back on my wedding i had no emotion as to what happened. I need to know that that day will be in my memory forever as the most beautiful thing that ever happened even if 5 years from the date we end up splitting up. Its the fact that at the end of the day, you are satisfied with what happened.
Many people argue, i dont have money to have a nice wedding. Shit, I dont have it either. But i most definitely dont want to go to court to sign papers. I'm totally against it. Whatever I end up doing is because I took the time to do it how i wanted to, when im totally ready.
The other downer about getting married is the fact that everyone knows how "great" my side of the family gets along with my boyfriend's side. And the saddest part for me is that, okay, I dont have the money to at least dwell in teh fact that my wedding was aesthetcally nice, but I wont even have the "close" people i would have wanted at my wedding. First of all, against her will, my mother would attend but probably ruin everything with her faces. My dad wont be there because he, for some stupid reason which is unknown to this date, does not like my boyfriend. And its like yes, all his family will be there, but how about mine? It hurts me to think that I can never have anything close to what i want in my wedding, even if i had money up the ass. and it hurts me to think that out of all my relatives the only person who would put their prejudices away is my grandmother, all for the sake fo seeing me happy. But no. everyone else is to fuckn proud.
Its the most contradictory feeling. I would love to get married. But I dont. I dotn want to face the reality of my own people hurting me in such a way. The reason this is so fucked up is how your own family can take away your desires to do something that makes you happy.
My boyfriend often tells me to ignore them and if I were having this coversation with him now, he'd say that I have to do what i want regardless. But what he doesnt understand that what i wanted is for my dad to be there, for my mom to be happy for me and be excited about everything and wanting to help me prepare things. That is my significance of gettng married. Knowing that two families are comming together because of us. There is nothing that I did to make things this way. It just happened. Cant change it. It stuck forever, subject to time. But I cant wait forever.
So im being selfish, I know. I am aware that i must break away from this mentality but I hate to think that i was deviated from doing something the way i wanted to do it because of other people and THEIR selfish way to refuse to accept things.
Despite my feelings, I just want to ensure my baby that this does not mean I dont love him enough or that I am doubtful of anything. I just need time to allow myself to reallize that I cannot change people's ways of thinking and that I must do my own life according to how i can. I think he knows that if he proposes any day, I'd say yes again.
Well all of this talk makes me feel bad when i think about my boyfriend. Or in other words, I feel bad for him. This is simply because its been so lon since we have been together. We have had so many ups and downs and most of the time its been downs because of circumstances beyond our control or even because of misunderstandings. But we are still here and that must only mean one thing. However, I just feel like he might think i do not care of love him or never wish to get married but the fact is what girl does not care about these things?? Its funny because even though this is what I want, I stop it from realizing it. I know that if it were up to him we would have been married since the first time he proposed back a few years. But there was so much drama in my life, me being underage in all, I just dont think it was the right time. And I still dont. My idea of marriage has always been so sacred and I respect that idea to the fullest, I dont want to tarnish the idea by getting a paper that says we are married.and thats it. I dont need that. Why do I need a paper that says I'm married if I live with him as a couple and we do everything as if we were married? I dont need a paper to tell me that im married. I know im married as of a long time ago. But the idea of having to go to a court house to sign some papers to make it official simply ruins the whole idea about getting married for me. Its almost like a chore. I dont think i'll ever get married if I have to sign some documents. and ta-da ur married. NO...dont think so.
SO what is my idea of marriage???
Well for starters, it does not matter the size or the elegance or any of that. IF any of that implied anything, many of who could afford this would not be divorced. I know I am not the most romantic person out there but u bet that my wedding day better be. So my idea of marriage is one where i can arrive at my destination whether it be a church, beach, w/e and not have to worry if there is another couple whose appointment is 30 minutes after mine, etc., that ill have to go home after signing the papers, change from my dress (if you even wear one) and then go to a restaurant or something. NO!!! you can do that any other day. Its OUR wedding. I'd like to think that the world stops for you on this day. I would like to have a small ceremony where I can say whatever i need to say and let him know that i mean it. Not just words that a priest or the person at court tells you to repeat. I want to take my time taking pictures. I want to have the people who are closest to me (who are not going to be there just for the food or talk shit), and most defintely people that are going to be happy about seeing us together. The whole act of getting married needs to be memorable in its entirety. I mean, there is no way that that day is going to happen again with the same person. I dont know what i would do if thinking back on my wedding i had no emotion as to what happened. I need to know that that day will be in my memory forever as the most beautiful thing that ever happened even if 5 years from the date we end up splitting up. Its the fact that at the end of the day, you are satisfied with what happened.
Many people argue, i dont have money to have a nice wedding. Shit, I dont have it either. But i most definitely dont want to go to court to sign papers. I'm totally against it. Whatever I end up doing is because I took the time to do it how i wanted to, when im totally ready.
The other downer about getting married is the fact that everyone knows how "great" my side of the family gets along with my boyfriend's side. And the saddest part for me is that, okay, I dont have the money to at least dwell in teh fact that my wedding was aesthetcally nice, but I wont even have the "close" people i would have wanted at my wedding. First of all, against her will, my mother would attend but probably ruin everything with her faces. My dad wont be there because he, for some stupid reason which is unknown to this date, does not like my boyfriend. And its like yes, all his family will be there, but how about mine? It hurts me to think that I can never have anything close to what i want in my wedding, even if i had money up the ass. and it hurts me to think that out of all my relatives the only person who would put their prejudices away is my grandmother, all for the sake fo seeing me happy. But no. everyone else is to fuckn proud.
Its the most contradictory feeling. I would love to get married. But I dont. I dotn want to face the reality of my own people hurting me in such a way. The reason this is so fucked up is how your own family can take away your desires to do something that makes you happy.
My boyfriend often tells me to ignore them and if I were having this coversation with him now, he'd say that I have to do what i want regardless. But what he doesnt understand that what i wanted is for my dad to be there, for my mom to be happy for me and be excited about everything and wanting to help me prepare things. That is my significance of gettng married. Knowing that two families are comming together because of us. There is nothing that I did to make things this way. It just happened. Cant change it. It stuck forever, subject to time. But I cant wait forever.
So im being selfish, I know. I am aware that i must break away from this mentality but I hate to think that i was deviated from doing something the way i wanted to do it because of other people and THEIR selfish way to refuse to accept things.
Despite my feelings, I just want to ensure my baby that this does not mean I dont love him enough or that I am doubtful of anything. I just need time to allow myself to reallize that I cannot change people's ways of thinking and that I must do my own life according to how i can. I think he knows that if he proposes any day, I'd say yes again.