i don't know if I should be doing this.... but it might be the only way...
Since this weekend I've had this unsettling feeling... like I'm loosing him. Let's just say I miss him. I really do... I haven't talked to him in over a week. I think he's doing ok, but I don't know. All week all I can do is think about holding him, kissing him, running to his apartment and waiting for him to come home and just hug him. that's all ive wanted to do for the past few days. When I see recent pictures of him, I smile and get this pining, for his hands, for his smell, for his smile, and to hear his voice. Does this mean the feelings that I thought were gone really aren't? I miss my best friend more than anything. I found his boxers in a drawer last night and cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes or so.
I just want to run back, but what if he's not there any more? What if he hates me for this, doesn't understnad why I had to do this, or what if he realized I'm bad for him? Or worse, what if I go back and nothing's changed. I could never put him through this a second time. I just wish there was a way to see him one more time. To see if the feeling's back. To see if he's changed and become more independent and driven. But is a month enough time for that to happen? Does this have to last longer?
I saw a picture on the computer of him last night and ever since then, all I can think of is how adorable he is and I can't get that picture out of my head. It's followed me all day. I've been having so much fun with my friends though. With no one to answer to. I feel so independent now that I'm not constantly worrying about the future, or more importantly, his future. Is that a sign that this needs to last longer, that I'm better this way at least for a while? Or does it mean that I'm distracted at these moments, and then when I'm left by myself I feel what I really feel. Or is it the opposite and when I'm alone it's just that I'm lonely and miss having a companion? I'm keeping this up longer because I don't know any of these answers and don't want to risk making a mistake and hurting him more. I'd rather me hurt some more figuring this out than hurt him twice. He's too good for that. He doesn;t deserve that. He's amazing, and if I screw it up b/c I'm taking too long and someone else realizes how amazing he is, then that's my fault. I'd rather him be happy and me be sorry than him be crushed.
I wish someone could help me figure this out. I wish he could. All that I know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't picture myself with anyone else in the long run. I love him so much. I'm sorry if this was wrong for me to do, but I needed you to know... somehow.
Counting the days...
Reese
I just want to run back, but what if he's not there any more? What if he hates me for this, doesn't understnad why I had to do this, or what if he realized I'm bad for him? Or worse, what if I go back and nothing's changed. I could never put him through this a second time. I just wish there was a way to see him one more time. To see if the feeling's back. To see if he's changed and become more independent and driven. But is a month enough time for that to happen? Does this have to last longer?
I saw a picture on the computer of him last night and ever since then, all I can think of is how adorable he is and I can't get that picture out of my head. It's followed me all day. I've been having so much fun with my friends though. With no one to answer to. I feel so independent now that I'm not constantly worrying about the future, or more importantly, his future. Is that a sign that this needs to last longer, that I'm better this way at least for a while? Or does it mean that I'm distracted at these moments, and then when I'm left by myself I feel what I really feel. Or is it the opposite and when I'm alone it's just that I'm lonely and miss having a companion? I'm keeping this up longer because I don't know any of these answers and don't want to risk making a mistake and hurting him more. I'd rather me hurt some more figuring this out than hurt him twice. He's too good for that. He doesn;t deserve that. He's amazing, and if I screw it up b/c I'm taking too long and someone else realizes how amazing he is, then that's my fault. I'd rather him be happy and me be sorry than him be crushed.
I wish someone could help me figure this out. I wish he could. All that I know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't picture myself with anyone else in the long run. I love him so much. I'm sorry if this was wrong for me to do, but I needed you to know... somehow.
Counting the days...
Reese