how did i miss this?
it's been a little over a year since ryan and i moved into the apartment/condo/whatever you want to call it ... it's actually been almost 14 months since we moved in together, but i don't like to think about our time in corporate housing.
the more i look back on it, i'm pretty sure i was depressed when we lived there. really, truly depressed. i'd always had my little funks, where i'd be sad and overwhelmed and anti-social and blah and inconsolable and unconfident (is that a word?) for a week or two at a time. but then i'd get over it and realize it was just a phase and that i had a great life. however, i spent most of the first two months we were in ohio crying every day for no reason and not wanting to do anything and pretty much hating life. it had everything to do with being in a new place with no job, no friends, no money, and no idea how to live with a boy. and it still didn't get better for awhile even after i started working and meeting people.
i considered seeing a therapist (andrew, your post is what made me think of all this!) but kept telling myself i'm not one of "those" people. how ignorant of me ... i know tons of people who have gone through counseling, including many members of my family, and it has helped them a ton and i'm sure it would have/still would help me (every now and then i get reminded of how many issues i have buried away somewhere and feel like even though everyone seems to think i have my shit pulled together, it could all fall apart at any moment). and it would probably help my relationship if i wasn't screwed up in the head in some way. so maybe i will look into it again. its just that i always think about finding a therapist when things are good and then i think that it would be pointless, because i apparently have nothing to talk about. i don't know why i can't accept that it doesn't make me weak to admit i could use some help and i don't have to always be stronger than everyone else.
anyways, on to more pleasant things. it's been quite a year ... sometimes i can't believe i've been out of college in the real world FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and other times i can't believe it's ONLY been a year since college, it feels like such a distant world.
i love some parts of being a "grown up." like coming home at 4:30 and doing whatever I want instead of studying/working, and getting to go to bed with my ryan in our own place every night. and having money for nice things and all that stuff. but sometimes, i can't believe i have a mortgage and a car payment and so many responsibilities and why do i have to be under the same roof with him when he makes me mad? also, it's apparently really not ok to be the wasted lush every weekend in the real world. the part that really sucks is not having any close friends. I think that's just what happens when you get older - fewer people your age with your interests and personality. or maybe it's just ohio, hah!
for the most part, things are great now. i do have a group of friends here and my job is getting more interesting. ryan and i talk (a lot) about getting married. i've finally adjusted and gotten into a work/workout/get stuff done/relax/sleep/repeat daily routine, and i'm taking better care of myself.
so really, i guess i can't complain. these last few months especially have made me quit thinking of myself as a "recent college graduate" trying to figure her shit out and more as a responsible, comfortable adult.
interesting what a year can do to a person.
the more i look back on it, i'm pretty sure i was depressed when we lived there. really, truly depressed. i'd always had my little funks, where i'd be sad and overwhelmed and anti-social and blah and inconsolable and unconfident (is that a word?) for a week or two at a time. but then i'd get over it and realize it was just a phase and that i had a great life. however, i spent most of the first two months we were in ohio crying every day for no reason and not wanting to do anything and pretty much hating life. it had everything to do with being in a new place with no job, no friends, no money, and no idea how to live with a boy. and it still didn't get better for awhile even after i started working and meeting people.
i considered seeing a therapist (andrew, your post is what made me think of all this!) but kept telling myself i'm not one of "those" people. how ignorant of me ... i know tons of people who have gone through counseling, including many members of my family, and it has helped them a ton and i'm sure it would have/still would help me (every now and then i get reminded of how many issues i have buried away somewhere and feel like even though everyone seems to think i have my shit pulled together, it could all fall apart at any moment). and it would probably help my relationship if i wasn't screwed up in the head in some way. so maybe i will look into it again. its just that i always think about finding a therapist when things are good and then i think that it would be pointless, because i apparently have nothing to talk about. i don't know why i can't accept that it doesn't make me weak to admit i could use some help and i don't have to always be stronger than everyone else.
anyways, on to more pleasant things. it's been quite a year ... sometimes i can't believe i've been out of college in the real world FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and other times i can't believe it's ONLY been a year since college, it feels like such a distant world.
i love some parts of being a "grown up." like coming home at 4:30 and doing whatever I want instead of studying/working, and getting to go to bed with my ryan in our own place every night. and having money for nice things and all that stuff. but sometimes, i can't believe i have a mortgage and a car payment and so many responsibilities and why do i have to be under the same roof with him when he makes me mad? also, it's apparently really not ok to be the wasted lush every weekend in the real world. the part that really sucks is not having any close friends. I think that's just what happens when you get older - fewer people your age with your interests and personality. or maybe it's just ohio, hah!
for the most part, things are great now. i do have a group of friends here and my job is getting more interesting. ryan and i talk (a lot) about getting married. i've finally adjusted and gotten into a work/workout/get stuff done/relax/sleep/repeat daily routine, and i'm taking better care of myself.
so really, i guess i can't complain. these last few months especially have made me quit thinking of myself as a "recent college graduate" trying to figure her shit out and more as a responsible, comfortable adult.
interesting what a year can do to a person.