gossip girl and my girlfriend
One upside of the writer's strike - time to marathon shows! *mixed yay*
Gossip Girl
Took me a few eps to really get into this show. It being no O.C. made me grumpy. The dialogue wasn't as snappy, y'know? I basically hung in there because of Kristen's catty voiceovers, heh. But, omg, now it's my crack. MY CRACK, I SAY. And this ep was WAS THE BEST ONE ALL SEASON. I'm so bummed it's the last one. :( At least they didn't send Blaire to Paris. Instead, it's all set up for a brilliant comeback o' revenge. Mua ha ha!
General stuffs:
• Dan + Serena = OTP. They're so adorable together. They're my Seth/Summer. I want them to live happily ever after and have blond babies who rock-out with grandpa.
• Serena + Blaire = BFF-in-that-wonderfully-dysfunctional-way. They're my Brian/Mikey. I want them to still be friends in 50 years, but still occassionally claw each others' eyes out.
• Chuck aldkfja. Such a prick. So you know he's my favorite!
• Nate is one giant woobie, isn't he? :X
• Jenny. Eh. She's prolly the one I care least about. But she got 1000 x's more interesting this ep when she was faced with her Mini Me starting at the bottom rung of Queen B's former clique. I'm fully waiting for the new girl to turn out to be not so sweet and innocent, heh.
• I think I missed an ep or two (they're probably on a random tape around here) because suddenly Dan's BFF was hanging around, wha..? She seems like a cross from Joey (Dawson's Creek) and Theresa (O.C.), and just, bleh. Stop trying to get her and Serena to bond, Dan. Everytime they banter about Guitar Hero, I die inside. :|
• Rufus, Dan's dad, is hot, kthx. His wife, however, annoys me. Also, I don't see the problem with Serena and her mom dating Dan and his dad, respectively. :P
And then! I found an old Kathy ep from last season (the one where she goes to the prisons alfdja) and started doing a Ree-cap, but it turned into a quote-a-thon due to an alarming amount of episode awesomeness.
GOING OVER THE WEEK'S PLANS TO DO STAND-UP AT A PRISON
Kathy: I don't want to be ass-raped in prison.
Kathy: I'm gonna be like Johnny Cash with tits!
Kathy: Is it wrong I want to get someone executed?
GETTING DRESSED FOR A DATE WITH (OBNOXIOUS) PRO-POKER-PLAYER!MIKE
Kathy!mom: Oh, wow.
--at seeing the amount of Kathy!cleavage before her date
Kathy: He has mentioned physically beating me 3 or 4 times. But... he might be kidding...
--to the camera at the end of the night
PREPPING FOR THE GAY AWARDS WITH A (STRAIGHT) FELLOW COMEDY WRITER
Kathy: I have a box of gay porn!
Eric: Great... I mean yay!
Kathy: Hang on, I just saw some guy's anus.
Kathy: I'm guessing justice finds him.... in the butt.
--on what the plot of the porno movie "Justice" is about
Eric: Are all the porn guys gay or are they...
Kathy: I think if you're taking it up the butt like 50 times a week, you've probably jumped over to the other side of the fence.
Kathy: I am hosting the gay porn awards. Who says a little girls dreams can't come true?
AT THE GAY PORN AWARDS
Kathy: The gays were thrilled to see me. I should've known they wouldn't really care about punctuality. You know, when you're doing drag and you're not sure which wig you're gonna put on, you've just finished doing a threeway and you're wiping off, time isn't that essential.
--arriving late for the awards
Kathy: Hello! Hello, porn loving gays! Hello, gays that aren't afraid of a little dick!
Kathy: Someone pinch me on my nipple because I can't even believe I'm here.
Kathy: *kisses the hottie*
--okay, technically not a quote, but omg, he was hot and Kathy turned her face at the last instant and got a mouth kiss, hee
Kathy: Here to present the award for Best Oral scene... which I guess is someone delivering a monologue from Shakespeare.
Kathy: This is.. has to be a dream crowd. Not only the gays but the fucking let's-go-there gays!
Collin O'Neal, Porn Star You May Have Seen Fucking Johnny Hazzard: I need to thank the country of Israel and Lebanon for being strong neighbors. And hopefully one day there'll be peace there.
Kathy: Who knew it would take the gay porn awards to bring the Middle East together. Finally, what they couldn't do at Camp David!
Kathy: Tom can't even talk... he's so excited he saw a girl porn star he's like buh...gee. If I ever took Tom to the straight porn awards, I would have to get one of those dog harnesses. Not just a regular choke collar leash, but the kind that would go around his chest as well.
Kathy: Welcome to the F-List... and I assume tonight the F's are fucking!
Kathy: The sex toys were frightening. And there is no amount of lube that is gonna get me to put that stuff up my butt.
--on the gift basket awaiting her back at the hotel
AT THE WOMEN'S PRISON
Kathy: ... but these are people who are actually paying their debt to society-- *off-camera bird sound* That's clearly code that somebody's over the wall.
Kathy: The guy who runs the motor pool said the inmates maintain the fleet of vehicles used by the prison employees. So let's hope if you're the driver that day, you didn't piss anybody off.
Kathy: Any lingo I should know?
Inmate: LURD
Kathy: What does that mean?
Inmates: Lesbian Until Release Date.
Kathy: *covers mouth over her laugh*
Warden: We do have a few extra seats.
Kathy: I'm not sold out at the PRISON?
Warden: It's pretty full...
Kathy: What do you mean pretty full?! What the hell are they doing?!
--Kathy learning she's up against an airing of Prison Break
Death Row Inmate Off-Camera: I want to kill you!
Kathy: Yeah, take a number, honey.
Kathy: I really can't be anywhere for two days without someone wanting to kill me. Normally it would be Gweneth Paltrow. Today it was actually a woman who.. is.. a murderer.
Kathy: The rule is you have to wear a stab vest. Which you'd think would scare me, but I wear one around Jessica.
AT THE MEN'S PRISON
Kathy: Now, this doesn't make us a gang, that we're sitting together, right? Cos we could be the Foxy Ladies.
--sitting down to eat lunch with the inmates
Kathy: I have a stalker. And he openly responds to the name "Hey, Stalker."
--after one of the inmates made her face go all OMGWTFCREEPYKTHX when he knew a little too much about her
Kathy: Tom's been kinda quiet. It's been hard for him. Not one guy has come onto him. Or a girl from yesterday.
Kathy: "...or sexual profanity or sex depravity or perversions shall not be used..." There goes all my fisting material.
--quoting the guidelines she was given when she performed for the troops
AND NOW FOR MY MOST FAVORITEST QUOTE:
Kathy: Thank you very much--
the microphone: *droops down on it's own*
Kathy: Oh. It was like a bad blowjob!
Ree for an hour: *dies and dies* Except for the time when she started to cry for the pregnant woman in prison. :((
And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the gay porn awards looked boring. Not even one orgy broke out. WTF. Oh, Bravo, shielding us cable viewers from the good stuff.
Gossip Girl
Took me a few eps to really get into this show. It being no O.C. made me grumpy. The dialogue wasn't as snappy, y'know? I basically hung in there because of Kristen's catty voiceovers, heh. But, omg, now it's my crack. MY CRACK, I SAY. And this ep was WAS THE BEST ONE ALL SEASON. I'm so bummed it's the last one. :( At least they didn't send Blaire to Paris. Instead, it's all set up for a brilliant comeback o' revenge. Mua ha ha!
General stuffs:
• Dan + Serena = OTP. They're so adorable together. They're my Seth/Summer. I want them to live happily ever after and have blond babies who rock-out with grandpa.
• Serena + Blaire = BFF-in-that-wonderfully-dysfunctional-way. They're my Brian/Mikey. I want them to still be friends in 50 years, but still occassionally claw each others' eyes out.
• Chuck aldkfja. Such a prick. So you know he's my favorite!
• Nate is one giant woobie, isn't he? :X
• Jenny. Eh. She's prolly the one I care least about. But she got 1000 x's more interesting this ep when she was faced with her Mini Me starting at the bottom rung of Queen B's former clique. I'm fully waiting for the new girl to turn out to be not so sweet and innocent, heh.
• I think I missed an ep or two (they're probably on a random tape around here) because suddenly Dan's BFF was hanging around, wha..? She seems like a cross from Joey (Dawson's Creek) and Theresa (O.C.), and just, bleh. Stop trying to get her and Serena to bond, Dan. Everytime they banter about Guitar Hero, I die inside. :|
• Rufus, Dan's dad, is hot, kthx. His wife, however, annoys me. Also, I don't see the problem with Serena and her mom dating Dan and his dad, respectively. :P
And then! I found an old Kathy ep from last season (the one where she goes to the prisons alfdja) and started doing a Ree-cap, but it turned into a quote-a-thon due to an alarming amount of episode awesomeness.
GOING OVER THE WEEK'S PLANS TO DO STAND-UP AT A PRISON
Kathy: I don't want to be ass-raped in prison.
Kathy: I'm gonna be like Johnny Cash with tits!
Kathy: Is it wrong I want to get someone executed?
GETTING DRESSED FOR A DATE WITH (OBNOXIOUS) PRO-POKER-PLAYER!MIKE
Kathy!mom: Oh, wow.
--at seeing the amount of Kathy!cleavage before her date
Kathy: He has mentioned physically beating me 3 or 4 times. But... he might be kidding...
--to the camera at the end of the night
PREPPING FOR THE GAY AWARDS WITH A (STRAIGHT) FELLOW COMEDY WRITER
Kathy: I have a box of gay porn!
Eric: Great... I mean yay!
Kathy: Hang on, I just saw some guy's anus.
Kathy: I'm guessing justice finds him.... in the butt.
--on what the plot of the porno movie "Justice" is about
Eric: Are all the porn guys gay or are they...
Kathy: I think if you're taking it up the butt like 50 times a week, you've probably jumped over to the other side of the fence.
Kathy: I am hosting the gay porn awards. Who says a little girls dreams can't come true?
AT THE GAY PORN AWARDS
Kathy: The gays were thrilled to see me. I should've known they wouldn't really care about punctuality. You know, when you're doing drag and you're not sure which wig you're gonna put on, you've just finished doing a threeway and you're wiping off, time isn't that essential.
--arriving late for the awards
Kathy: Hello! Hello, porn loving gays! Hello, gays that aren't afraid of a little dick!
Kathy: Someone pinch me on my nipple because I can't even believe I'm here.
Kathy: *kisses the hottie*
--okay, technically not a quote, but omg, he was hot and Kathy turned her face at the last instant and got a mouth kiss, hee
Kathy: Here to present the award for Best Oral scene... which I guess is someone delivering a monologue from Shakespeare.
Kathy: This is.. has to be a dream crowd. Not only the gays but the fucking let's-go-there gays!
Collin O'Neal, Porn Star You May Have Seen Fucking Johnny Hazzard: I need to thank the country of Israel and Lebanon for being strong neighbors. And hopefully one day there'll be peace there.
Kathy: Who knew it would take the gay porn awards to bring the Middle East together. Finally, what they couldn't do at Camp David!
Kathy: Tom can't even talk... he's so excited he saw a girl porn star he's like buh...gee. If I ever took Tom to the straight porn awards, I would have to get one of those dog harnesses. Not just a regular choke collar leash, but the kind that would go around his chest as well.
Kathy: Welcome to the F-List... and I assume tonight the F's are fucking!
Kathy: The sex toys were frightening. And there is no amount of lube that is gonna get me to put that stuff up my butt.
--on the gift basket awaiting her back at the hotel
AT THE WOMEN'S PRISON
Kathy: ... but these are people who are actually paying their debt to society-- *off-camera bird sound* That's clearly code that somebody's over the wall.
Kathy: The guy who runs the motor pool said the inmates maintain the fleet of vehicles used by the prison employees. So let's hope if you're the driver that day, you didn't piss anybody off.
Kathy: Any lingo I should know?
Inmate: LURD
Kathy: What does that mean?
Inmates: Lesbian Until Release Date.
Kathy: *covers mouth over her laugh*
Warden: We do have a few extra seats.
Kathy: I'm not sold out at the PRISON?
Warden: It's pretty full...
Kathy: What do you mean pretty full?! What the hell are they doing?!
--Kathy learning she's up against an airing of Prison Break
Death Row Inmate Off-Camera: I want to kill you!
Kathy: Yeah, take a number, honey.
Kathy: I really can't be anywhere for two days without someone wanting to kill me. Normally it would be Gweneth Paltrow. Today it was actually a woman who.. is.. a murderer.
Kathy: The rule is you have to wear a stab vest. Which you'd think would scare me, but I wear one around Jessica.
AT THE MEN'S PRISON
Kathy: Now, this doesn't make us a gang, that we're sitting together, right? Cos we could be the Foxy Ladies.
--sitting down to eat lunch with the inmates
Kathy: I have a stalker. And he openly responds to the name "Hey, Stalker."
--after one of the inmates made her face go all OMGWTFCREEPYKTHX when he knew a little too much about her
Kathy: Tom's been kinda quiet. It's been hard for him. Not one guy has come onto him. Or a girl from yesterday.
Kathy: "...or sexual profanity or sex depravity or perversions shall not be used..." There goes all my fisting material.
--quoting the guidelines she was given when she performed for the troops
AND NOW FOR MY MOST FAVORITEST QUOTE:
Kathy: Thank you very much--
the microphone: *droops down on it's own*
Kathy: Oh. It was like a bad blowjob!
Ree for an hour: *dies and dies* Except for the time when she started to cry for the pregnant woman in prison. :((
And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the gay porn awards looked boring. Not even one orgy broke out. WTF. Oh, Bravo, shielding us cable viewers from the good stuff.