anxiety
considering that my day-in-day-out routine consists of a slightly higher than normal quotient of anxiety, i feel okay. for example, every day there is at least one moment (generally, many more) when i am convinced i am going to lose my job. this is almost entirely due to my experience temping at the pierre hotel in december. it was a good experience, i was a good worker, the women in the HR office liked me. then i leave for work one friday, expecting at least another two weeks on this job, and i get a call from the temp agency saying i won't be needed. this is the way it's done, of course; since the agency and not the company is your employer, all notification of hiring, firing, lateness, etc. is done through the agency.
it just came as SUCH a blow...to have those women (read: two-faced bitches) smile at me as i left the office, only to turn around and dismiss me HURT. more than it should but it hurt, i had really worked hard and i got them out of a tight fix; because i can type 95 wpm, i transcribed two 4" binders full of job descriptions in a week, which would have taken triple that by anyone else. then they had the nerve to give me negative feedback to my agency (which mostly boiled down to my not wearing a suit every day---which given, had been a stipulation, but they could also have mentioned it to me in person first).
so this has instilled in me an innate distrust, even paranoia, about my temporary employees. although everything about this current job at KPMG is designed for the permanent. i was hired over an internal transfer (and KPMG loves internal transfers), gotten predominantly positive feedback, was given my own phone line and email account and access to private company servers. at the three month mark (which will fall the first week of may), assuming all goes well, i will be offered the job permanently. and although it is not by any means what i want to be doing for the rest of my life, right now having money to pay my bills and rent and still have pleasure money is SOOOO nice.
but still, the inescapable paranoia. the back of my mind is incessantly conspiracy-theorizing without my permission. every whispered conversation, every meeting the senior admin. asst. (and my cubicle-mate) gets called into with our supervisor, every interview they conduct, every time one of my coworkers is cold or brusque or indifferent to me, i just start thinking okay well hopefully they'll let me finish out the week i didn't want to do this anyway maybe there's a tour holding auditions and i can get my equity card and blah blah blah blah blah....
of course, i've only hurt my own cause by having a smidge of an attitude problem. only VERY occasionally and typically only with this one person, i have had moments of breakdown when my real and quite rude opinion came through. this has always been and will likely always be my biggest challenge in any kind of professional environment. but a couple of these incidents, spaced out over the last 2 months, could conceivably have laid the groundwork for a dismissal. or it could amount to nothing in the longrun, which also includes the money they've spent training me and the consistently excellent work i do as an admin. but still, the nagging voices continue.
perhaps it's all that pot i smoked last year. or the only-occasionally-insurmountable self-worth issues i experience from time to time. or my desperation to be a self-sufficient person after years of failing time and again to become so. but it's nattering. in the midst of my busiest days, when i am literally demonstrating why i am a valuable worker with an important function on this team, these fears still creep through my mind.
i've resolved myself to the fact that i'm crazy, and that this fear won't diminish (i doubt it will ever entirely go away) until i have a contract in my hand.
sorry about that completely irrelevant entry.
it just came as SUCH a blow...to have those women (read: two-faced bitches) smile at me as i left the office, only to turn around and dismiss me HURT. more than it should but it hurt, i had really worked hard and i got them out of a tight fix; because i can type 95 wpm, i transcribed two 4" binders full of job descriptions in a week, which would have taken triple that by anyone else. then they had the nerve to give me negative feedback to my agency (which mostly boiled down to my not wearing a suit every day---which given, had been a stipulation, but they could also have mentioned it to me in person first).
so this has instilled in me an innate distrust, even paranoia, about my temporary employees. although everything about this current job at KPMG is designed for the permanent. i was hired over an internal transfer (and KPMG loves internal transfers), gotten predominantly positive feedback, was given my own phone line and email account and access to private company servers. at the three month mark (which will fall the first week of may), assuming all goes well, i will be offered the job permanently. and although it is not by any means what i want to be doing for the rest of my life, right now having money to pay my bills and rent and still have pleasure money is SOOOO nice.
but still, the inescapable paranoia. the back of my mind is incessantly conspiracy-theorizing without my permission. every whispered conversation, every meeting the senior admin. asst. (and my cubicle-mate) gets called into with our supervisor, every interview they conduct, every time one of my coworkers is cold or brusque or indifferent to me, i just start thinking okay well hopefully they'll let me finish out the week i didn't want to do this anyway maybe there's a tour holding auditions and i can get my equity card and blah blah blah blah blah....
of course, i've only hurt my own cause by having a smidge of an attitude problem. only VERY occasionally and typically only with this one person, i have had moments of breakdown when my real and quite rude opinion came through. this has always been and will likely always be my biggest challenge in any kind of professional environment. but a couple of these incidents, spaced out over the last 2 months, could conceivably have laid the groundwork for a dismissal. or it could amount to nothing in the longrun, which also includes the money they've spent training me and the consistently excellent work i do as an admin. but still, the nagging voices continue.
perhaps it's all that pot i smoked last year. or the only-occasionally-insurmountable self-worth issues i experience from time to time. or my desperation to be a self-sufficient person after years of failing time and again to become so. but it's nattering. in the midst of my busiest days, when i am literally demonstrating why i am a valuable worker with an important function on this team, these fears still creep through my mind.
i've resolved myself to the fact that i'm crazy, and that this fear won't diminish (i doubt it will ever entirely go away) until i have a contract in my hand.
sorry about that completely irrelevant entry.